"THERE  NEVER  WAS  ANY  MOUSE  HERE."     [Page  129. 


THE   MOUSE-TRAP 


AND 

OTHER  FAECES 

BY 


W.  D.  HOWELLS 

AUTHOR  OP  "APRIL  HOPES"  "ANNIE  KILBURN"  ETC. 


ILLUSTRATED 


NEW     YORK     AND    LONDON 

HARPER  &  BROTHERS  PUBLISHERS 

1900 


Copyright,  1889,  by  WILLIAM  DEAN  HOWKLLS. 

Ml  rigtit  raerved. 


PS 


At 

1100 


CONTENTS. 


PAGK 

THE  GARROTERS 1 

FIVE  O'CLOCK  TEA 57 

THE  MOUSE-TRAP 99 

A  LIKELY  STORY .  139 


ILLUSTRATIONS. 


"There  never  was  any  mouse  here"  .  .  .  Frontispiece 
"Why,  Edward,  what  in  the  world  is  the  matter?"  .  5 
"  I've  just  been  robbed  !" 23 

She  looks  fondly  up  into  the  face  of  her  husband  for 
approval 39 

"  Will  you  answer  my  question,  Amy  ?" 79 

Mrs.  Somers,  pouring  a  cup  of  tea:  "That  makes  it 
a  little  more  difficult " 83 

"What  is  it?    What  is  it?" 115 

"The  most  exciting  part" 143 

Mr.  Welling  explains 179 


THE   GAEEOTEES. 


THE  GARROTERS. 


PART  FIRST. 
I. 

MRS.  ROBERTS  ;   THEN  MR.  ROBERTS. 

AT  the  window  of  her  apartment  in  Hotel  Bell- 
ingham,  Mrs.  Roberts  stands  looking  out  into  the 
early  nightfall.  A  heavy  snow  is  driving  without, 
and  from  time  to  time  the  rush  of  the  wind  and 
the  sweep  of  the  flakes  against  the  panes  are  heard. 
At  the  sound  of  hurried  steps  in  the  anteroom,  Mrs. 
Roberts  turns  from  the  window,  and  runs  to  the 
portiere,  through  which  she  puts  her  head. 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  Is  that  you,  Edward?  So  dark 
here  !  We  ought  really  to  keep  the  gas  turned  up 
all  the  time." 

Mr.  Roberts,  in  a  muffled  voice,  from  without : 
"Yes,  it's!" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Well,  hurry  in  to  the  fire,  do! 
Ugh,  what  a  storm  !  Do  you  suppose  anybody 
will  come?  You  must  be  half  frozen,  you  poor 
thing  !  Come  quick,  or  you'll  certainly  perish  !" 
She  flies  from  the  portiere  to  the  fire  burning  on 


4  THE    GARROTERS. 

the  hearth,  pokes  it,  flings  on  a  log,  jumps  back, 
brushes  from  her  dress  with  a  light  shriek  the 
sparks  driven  out  upon  it,  and  continues  talking 
incessantly  in  a  voice  lifted  for  her  husband  to 
hear  in  the  anteroom.  "  If  I'd  dreamed  it  was  any 
such  storm  as  this,  I  should  never  have  let  you  go 
out  in  it  in  the  world.  It  wasn't  at  all  necessary 
to  have  the  flowers.  I  could  have  got  on  perfectly 
well,  and  I  believe  now  the  table  would  look  better 
without  them.  The  chrysanthemums  would  have 
been  quite  enough;  and  I  know  you've  taken  more 
cold.  I  could  tell  it  by  your  voice  as  soon  as  you 
spoke;  and  just  as  quick  as  they're  gone  to-night 
I'm  going  to  have  you  bathe  your  feet  in  mustard 
and  hot  water,  and  take  eight  of  aconite,  and  go 
straight  to  bed.  And  I  don't  want  you  to  eat  very 
much  at  dinner,  dear,  and  you  must  be  sure  not  to 
drink  any  coffee,  or  the  aconite  won't  be  of  the 
least  use."  She  turns  and  encounters  her  husband, 
who  enters  through  the  portidre,  his  face  pale,  his 
eyes  wild,  his  white  necktie  pulled  out  of  knot, 
.and  his  shirt  front  rumpled.  "Why,  Edward, 
what  in  the  world  is  the  matter  ?  What  has  hap- 
pened ?" 

Roberts,  sinking  into  a  chair :  "  Get  me  a  glass 
of  water,  Agnes — wine — whiskey — brandy — " 

Mrs.  Roberts,  bustling  wildly  about:  "Yes,  yes. 
But  what—  Bella!  Bridget!  Maggy!— Oh,  I'll  go 
for  it  myself,  and  I  worft  stop  to  listen !  Only — 
only  don't  die  !"  While  Roberts  remains  with  his 
eyes  shut,  and  his  head  sunk  on  his  breast  in  token 


"WHY,  EDWARD,  WHAT    IN    THE    WORLD    IS    THE    MATTER?" 


THE   GAKEOTEES.  7 

of  extreme  exhaustion,  she  disappears  and  reap- 
pears through  the  door  leading  to*  her  chamber, 
and  then  through  the  portiere  cutting  off  the  din- 
ing-room. She  finally  descends  upon  her  husband 
with  a  flagon  of  cologne  in  one  hand,  a  small  de- 
canter of  brandy  in  the  other,  and  a  wineglass  held 
in  the  hollow  of  her  arm  against  her  breast.  She 
contrives  to  set  the  glass  down  on  the  mantle  and 
fill  it  from  the  flagon,  then  she  turns  with  the 
decanter  in  her  hand,  and  while  she  presses  the 
glass  to  her  husband's  lips,  begins  to  pour  the  bran- 
dy on  his  head.  "  Here!  this  will  revive  you,  and 
it  '11  refresh  you  to  have  this  cologne  on  your 
head." 

Roberts,  rejecting  a  mouthful  of  the  cologne  with 
a  furious  sputter,  and  springing  to  his  feet :  "  Why, 
you've  given  me  the  cologne  to  drink,  Agnes  ! 
What  are  you  about?  Do  you  want  to  poison  me? 
Isn't  it  enough  to  be  robbed  at  six  o'clock  on  the 
Common,  without  having  your  head  soaked  in 
brandy,  and  your  whole  system  scented  up  like  a 
barber's  shop,  when  you  get  home  ?" 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Robbed  ?"  She  drops  the  wine- 
glass, puts  the  decanter  down  on  the  hearth,  and 
carefully  bestowing  the  flagon  of  cologne  in  the 
wood-box,  abandons  herself  to  justice  :  "  Then  let 
them  come  for  me  at  once,  Edward !  If  I  could 
have  the  heart  to  send  you  out  in  such  a  night  as 
this  for  a  few  wretched  rose-buds,  I'm  quite  equal 
to  poisoning  you.  Oh,  Edward,  who  robbed  you?" 

Roberts.  "That's  what  I  don't  know."     He  con- 


8  THE    GARBOTEES. 

tinues  to  wipe  his  head  with  his  handkerchief,  and 
to  sputter  a  little  from  time  to  time.  "  All  I  know 
is  that  when  I  got — phew! — to  that  dark  spot  by 
the  Frog  Pond,  just  by — phew! — that  little  group 
of — phew! — evergreens,  you  know — phew! — " 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Yes,  yes;  go  on!  I  can  bear  it, 
Edward." 

Roberts:  " — a  man  brushed  heavily  against  me, 
and  then  hurried  on  in  the  other  direction.  I  had 
unbuttoned  my  coat  to  look  at  my  watch  under  the 
lamp-post,  and  after  he  struck  against  me  I  clapped 
my  hand  to  my  waistcoat,  and — phew! — " 
Mrs.  Roberts:  "Waistcoat !  Yes  !" 
Roberts :  "  — found  my  watch  gone." 
Mrs.  Roberts :  "  What !  Your  watch?  The  watch 
Willis  gave  you  ?  Made  out  of  the  gold  that  he 
mined  himself  when  he  first  went  out  to  California? 
Don't  ask  me  to  believe  it,  Edward  !  But  I'm  only 
too  glad  that  you  escaped  with  your  life.  Let 
them  have  the  watch  and  welcome.  Oh,  my  dear, 
dear  husband  !"  She  approaches  him  with  extend- 
ed arms,  and  then  suddenly  arrests  herself.  "But 
you've  got  it  on  !" 

Roberts,  with  as  much  returning  dignity  as  can 
comport  with  his  dishevelled  appearance  :  "  Yes ;  I 
took  it  from  him."  At  his  wife's  speechless  aston- 
ishment: "  I  went  after  him  and  took  it  from  him." 
He  sits  down,  and  continues  with  resolute  calm, 
while  his  wife  remains  standing  before  him  mo- 
tionless: "Agnes,  I  don't  know  how  I  came  to  do 
it.  I  wouldn't  have  believed  I  could  do  it.  I've 


THE    GARKOTEES.  9 

never  thought  that  I  had  much  courage — physical 
courage;  but  when  I  felt  my  watch  was  gone,  a 
sort  of  frenzy  came  over  me.  I  wasn't  hurt;  and 
for  the  first  time  in  my  life  I  realized  what  an 
abominable  outrage  theft  was.  The  thought  that 
at  six  o'clock  in  the  evening,  in  the  very  heart  of  a 
great  city  like  Boston,  an  inoffensive  citizen  could 
be  assaulted  and  robbed,  made  me  furious.  I  didn't 
call  out.  I  simply  buttoned  my  coat  tight  round 
me  and  turned  and  ran  after  the  fellow." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "Edward  !" 

Roberts  :  "  Yes,  I  did.  He  hadn't  got  half  a  doz- 
en rods  away — it  all  took  place  in  a  flash — and  I 
could  easily  run  him  down.  He  was  considerably 
larger  than  I — " 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Oh  !" 

Roberts :  "  — and  he  looked  young  and  very  ath- 
letic; but  these  things  didn't  seem  to  make  any  im- 
pression on  me." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Oh,  I  wonder  that  you  live  to 
tell  the  tale,  Edward  !" 

Roberts :  "  Well,  I  wonder  a  little  at  myself.  I 
don't  set  up  for  a  great  deal  of — " 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  But  I  always  knew  you  had  it ! 
Go  on.  Oh,  when  I  tell  Willis  of  this  !  Had  the 
robber  any  accomplices?  Were  there  many  of 
them?" 

Roberts :  "  I  only  saw  one.  And  I  saw  that  my 
only  chance  was  to  take  him  at  a  disadvantage.  I 
sprang  upon  him,  and  pulled  him  over  on  his  back. 
I  merely  said,  'I'll  trouble  you  for  that  watch  of 


10  THE    GAREOTEKS. 

mine,  if  you  please,'  jerked  open  his  coat,  snatched 
the  watch  from  his  pocket — I  broke  the  chain,  I  see 
— and  then  left  him  and  ran  again.  He  didn't  make 
the  slightest  resistance,  nor  utter  a  word.  Of  course 
it  wouldn't  do  for  him  to  make  any  noise  about  it, 
and  I  dare  say  he  was  glad  to  get  off  so  easily." 
With  affected  nonchalance :  "  I'm  pretty  badly  rum- 
pled, I  see.  He  fell  against  me,  and  a  scuffle  like 
that  doesn't  improve  one's  appearance." 

Mrs.  Roberts,  very  solemnly:  "  Edward  !  I  don't 
know  what  to  say!  Of  course  it  makes  my  blood 
run  cold  to  realize  what  you  have  been  through, 
and  to  think  what  might  have  happened ;  but  I 
think  you  behaved  splendidly.  Why,  I  never  heard 
of  such  perfect  heroism!  You  needn't  tell  me  that 
he  made  no  resistance.  There  was  a  deadly  strug- 
gle— your  necktie  and  everything  about  you  shows 
it.  And  you  needn't  think  there  was  only  one  of 
them—" 

Roberts,  modestly :  "  I  don't  believe  there  was 
more." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Nonsense  !  There  are  always 
two  !  I've  read  the  accounts  of  those  garrotings. 
And  to  think  you  not  only  got  out  of  their  clutch- 
es alive,  but  got  your  property  back — Willis's 
watch  !  Oh,  what  will  Willis  say  ?  But  I  know 
how  proud  of  you  he'll  be.  Oh,  I  wish  I  could 
scream  it  from  the  house-tops.  Why  didn't  you 
call  the  police  ?" 

Roberts:  "I  didn't  think — I  hadn't  time  to  think." 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  No  matter.     I'm  glad  you  have 


THE   GARROTERS.  11 

all  the  glory  of  it.  I  don't  believe  you  half  realize 
what  you've  been  through  now.  And  perhaps  this 
was  the  robbers'  first  attempt,  and  it  will  be  a  les- 
son to  them.  Oh  yes  !  I'm  glad  you  let  them  es- 
cape, Edward.  They  may  have  families.  If  every 
one  behaved  as  you've  done,  there  would  soon  be 
an  end  of  garroting.  But,  oh!  I  can't  bear  to  think 
of  the  danger  you've  run.  And  I  want  you  to 
promise  me  never,  never  to  undertake  such  a  thing 
again  !" 

Roberts:  "Well,  I  don't  know—" 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Yes,  yes  ;  you  must !  Suppose 
you  had  got  killed  in  that  awful  struggle  with  those 
reckless  wretches  tugging  to  get  away  from  you  ! 
Think  of  the  children  !  Why,  you  might  have  burst 
a  blood-vessel !  Will  you  promise,  Edward  ?  Prom- 
ise this  instant,  on  your  bended  knees,  just  as  if  you 
were  in  a  court  of  justice!"  Mrs.  Roberts' s  excite- 
ment mounts,  and  she  flings  herself  at  her  husband's 
feet,  and  pulls  his  face  down  to  hers  with  the  arm 
she  has  thrown  about  his  neck.  "  Will  you  prom- 
ise ?" 


II. 

MRS.  CRASHAW ;  MR.  AND  MRS.  ROBERTS. 

Mrs.  Crashaw,  entering  unobserved :  "  Promise 
you  what,  Agnes  ?  The  man  doesn't  smoke  now. 
What  more  can  you  ask  ?"  She  starts  back  from  the 
spectacle  of  Roberts's  disordered  dress.  "Why, 
what's  happened  to  you,  Edward  ?" 

Mrs.  Roberts,  springing  to  her  feet :  "  Oh,  you 
may  well  ask  that,  Aunt  Mary  !  Happened  ?  You 
ought  to  fall  down  and  worship  him!  And  you  will 
when  you  know  what  he's  been  through.  He's  been 
robbed  !" 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  Robbed  ?  What  nonsense  ! 
Who  robbed  him  ?  Where  was  he  robbed  ?" 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  He  was  attacked  by  two  garrot- 
ers— " 

Roberts :  "  No,  no—" 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Don't  speak,  Edward  !  I  know 
there  were  two.  On  the  Common.  Not  half  an 
hour  ago.  As  he  was  going  to  get  me  some  rose- 
buds. In  the  midst  of  this  terrible  storm." 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  Is  this  true,  Edward  ?" 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Don't  answer,  Edward  !  One  of 
the  band  threw  his  arm  round  Edward's  neck — so.J> 


THE    GARROTERS.  13 

She  illustrates  by  garroting  Mrs.  Crashaw,  vrho  dis- 
engages herself  with  difficulty. 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  Mercy,  child  !  What  are  you 
doing  to  my  lace  ?" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "And  the  other  one  snatched  his 
watch,  and  ran  as  fast  as  he  could." 

Mrs.  Crashaw  :  "  Willis's  watch  ?  Why,  he's  got 
it  on." 

Mrs.  Roberts,  with  proud  delight:  "Exactly  what 
I  said  when  he  told  me."  Then,  very  solemnly : 
"And  do  you  know  why  he's  got  it  on  ? — 'Sh,  Ed- 
ward !  I  will  tell !  Because  he  ran  after  them  and 
took  it  back  again." 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  Why,  they  might  have  killed 
him  !" 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Of  course  they  might.  But  Ed- 
ward  didn't  care.  The  idea  of  being  robbed  at  six 
o'clock  on  the  Common  made  him  so  furious  that 
he  scorned  to  cry  out  for  help,  or  call  the  police,  or 
anything  ;  but  he  just  ran  after  them — " 

Roberts:  "Agnes !  Agnes !    There  was  only  one" 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Nonsense,  Edward  !  How  could 
you  tell,  so  excited  as  you  were  ? — And  caught  hold 
of  the  largest  of  the  wretches — a  perfect  young 
giant—" 

Roberts :  "  No,  no  ;  not  a  giant,  my  dear." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Well,  he  was  young,  anyw&yl — 
And  flung  him  on  the  ground."  She  advances  upon 
Mrs.  Crashaw  in  her  enthusiasm. 

Mrs.  Crashaw :    "  Don't  you  fling  me    on   the 
ground,  Agnes  !     I  won't  have  it." 
2 


14  THE    GAKROTKRS. 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "And  tore  bis  coat  open,  while 
all  the  rest  were  tugging  at  him,  and  snatched  his 
watch,  and  then — and  then  just  walked  coolly 
away." 

Roberts :  "  No,  my  dear;  I  ran  as  fast  as  I  could." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Well,  ran.  It's  quite  the  same 
thing,  and  I'm  just  as  proud  of  you  as  if  you  had 
walked.  Of  course  you  were  not  going  to  throw 
your  life  away." 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  I  think  he  did  a  very  silly  thing 
in  going  after  them  at  all." 

Roberts:  "Why,  of  course,  if  I'd  thought  twice 
about  it,  I  shouldn't  have  done  it." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Of  course  you  wouldn't,  dear  J 
And  that's  what  I  want  him  to  promise,  Aunt 
Mary  :  never  to  do  it  again,  no  matter  how  much 
he's  provoked.  I  want  him  to  promise  it  right  here 
in  your  presence,  Aunt  Mary  !" 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  I  think  it's  much  more  impor- 
tant he  should  put  on  another  collar  and — shirt,  if 
he's  going  to  see  company." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Yes  ;  go  right  off  at  once,  Ed- 
ward. How  you  do  think  of  things,  Aunt  Mary ! 
I  really  suppose  I  should  have  gone  on  all  night 
and  never  noticed  his  looks.  Run,  Edward,  and  do 
it,  dear.  But — kiss  me  first !  Oh,  it  don't  seem  as 
if  you  could  be  alive  and  well  after  it  all !  Are 
you  sure  you're  not  hurt  ?" 

Roberts,  embracing  her  :  "  No  ;  I'm  all  right." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  And  you're  not  injured  internal- 
ly ?  Sometimes  they're  injured  internally — aren't 


THE  GAKROTEES.  15 

they,  Aunt  Mary  ? — and  it  doesn't  show  till  months 
afterwards.  Are  you  sure  ?" 

Roberts,  making  a  cursory  examination  of  his 
ribs  with  his  hands  :  "  Yes,  I  think  so." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "And  you  don't  feel  any  bad  ef- 
fects from  the  cologne  now?  Just  think,  Aunt 
Mary,  I  gave  him  cologne  to  drink,  and  poured  the 
brandy  on  his  head,  when  he  came  in  !  But  I  was 
determined  to  keep  calm,  whatever  I  did.  And  if 
I've  poisoned  him  I'm  quite  willing  to  die  for  it — oh, 
quite  !  I  would  gladly  take  the  blame  of  it  before 
the  whole  world." 

Mrs.  Crashaw:  "Well,  for  pity's  sake,  let  the 
man  go  and  make  himself  decent.  There's  your 
bell  now." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Yes,  do  go,  Edward.  But — kiss 
me—" 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  He  did  kiss  you,  Agnes.  Don't 
be  a  simpleton  !" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Did  he?  Well,  kiss  me  again, 
then,  Edward.  And  now  do  go,  dear.  M-m-m-m." 
The  inarticulate  endearments  represented  by  these 
signs  terminate  in  a  wild  embrace,  protracted  half- 
way across  the  room,  in  the  height  of  which  Mr. 
Willis  Campbell  enters. 


III. 

MR.  CAMPBELL,  MRS.  CRASHAW,  MR.  AND  MRS. 
ROBERTS. 

Willis,  pausing  in  contemplation :  "  Hello !  What's 
the  matter  ?  What's  she  trying  to  get  out  of  you, 
Roberts  ?  Don't  you  do  it,  anyway,  old  fellow." 

Mrs.  Roberts,  in  an  ecstasy  of  satisfaction:  "Wil- 
lis !  Oh,  you've  come  in  time  to  see  him  just  as  he 
is.  Look  at  him,  Willis  !"  In  the  excess  of  her 
emotion  she  twitches  her  husband  about,  and  with 
his  arm  fast  in  her  clutch,  presents  him  in  the  dis- 
advantageous effect  of  having  just  been  taken  into 
custody.  Under  these  circumstances  Roberts's  at- 
tempt at  an  expression  of  diffident  heroism  fails  ; 
he  looks  sneaking,  he  looks  guilty,  and  his  eyes  fall 
under  the  astonished  regard  of  his  brother-in-law. 

Willis:  "What's  the  matter  with  him?  What's 
he  been  doing?" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  " 'Sh,  Edward  !— What's  he  been 
doing  ?  What  does  he  look  as  if  he  had  been  do- 
ing?" 

Mrs.  Crashaw  :  "  Agnes — " 

Willis :  "  He  looks  as  if  he  had  been  signing  the 
pledge.  And  he — smells  like  it." 


THE    GAKROTERS.  17 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  For  shame,  Willis  !  I  should 
think  you'd  sink  through  the  floor.  Edward,  not  a 
word  !  I  am  ashamed  of  him,  if  he  is  my  broth- 
er." 

Willis :  "  Why,  what  in  the  world's  up,  Agnes  ?" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  Up  ?  He's  been  robbed/— robbed 
on  the  Common,  not  five  minutes  ago!  A  whole 
gang  of  garroters  surrounded  him  under  the  Old 
Elm — or  just  where  it  used  to  be — and  took  his 
watch  away!  And  he  ran  after  them,  and  knocked 
the  largest  of  the  gang  down,  and  took  it  back 
again.  He  wasn't  hurt,  but  we're  afraid  he's  been 
injured  internally ;  he  may  be  bleeding  internally 
now —  Oh,  do  you  think  he  is,  Willis  ?  Don't  you 
think  we  ought  to  send  for  a  physician? — That, 
and  the  cologne  I  gave  him  to  drink.  It's  the 
brandy  I  poured  on  his  head  makes  him  smell  so. 
And  he  all  so  exhausted  he  couldn't  speak,  and  I 
didn't  know  what  I  was  doing,  either  ;  but  he's 
promised — oh  yes,  he's  promised! — never,  never  to 
do  it  again."  She  again  flings  her  arms  about  her 
husband,  and  then  turns  proudly  to  her  brother. 

Willis :  "  Do  you  know  what  it  means,  Aunt 
Mary  ?" 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  Not  in  the  least !  But  I've  no 
doubt  that  Edward  can  explain,  after  he's  changed 
his  linen — " 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Oh  yes,  do  go,  Edward  !  Not 
but  what  I  should  be  proud  and  happy  to  have 
you  appear  just  as  you  are  before  the  whole  world, 
if  it  was  only  to  put  Willis  down  with  his  jokes 


18  THE    GAEEOTEES. 

about  your  absent-mindedness,  and  his  boasts  about 
those  California  desperadoes  of  his." 

Roberts :  "  Come,  come,  Agnes  !  I  must  protest 
against  your — " 

Mrs.  .Roberts :  "  Oh,  I  know  it  doesn't  become  me 
to  praise  your  courage,  darling!  But  I  should  like 
to  know  what  Willis  would  have  done,  with  all  his 
California  experience,  if  a  garroter  had  taken  his 
watch  ?" 

Willis :  "  I  should  have  let  him  keep  it,  and  pay 
five  dollars  a  quarter  himself  forgetting  it  cleaned 
and  spoiled.  Anybody  but  a  literary  man  would. 
How  many  of  them  were  there,  Roberts  ?" 

Roberts :  "  I  only  saw  one." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  But  of  course  there  were  more. 
How  could  he  tell,  in  the  dark  and  excitement  ? 
And  the  one  he  did  see  was  a  perfect  giant;  so 
you  can  imagine  what  the  rest  must  have  been 
like." 

Willis :  "  Did  you  really  knock  him  down  ?" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Knock  him  down?  Of  course 
he  did." 

Mrs.  Grashaw:  "  Agnes,  will  you  hold  your  tongue, 
and  let  the  men  alone  ?" 

Mrs.  Roberts,  whimpering  :  "  I  can't,  Aunt  Mary. 
And  you  couldn't,  if  it  was  yours." 

Roberts:  "  I  pulled  him  over  backwards." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "There,  Willis  !" 

Willis:  "And  grabbed  your  watch  from  him?" 

Roberts :  "  I  was  in  quite  a  frenzy;  I  really  hard- 
ly knew  what  I  was  doing — " 


THE    GAKROTEES.  19 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "And  he  didn't  call  for  the  police, 
or  anything — " 

Willis:  "Ah,  that  showed  presence  of  mind  !  He 
knew  it  wouldn't  have  been  any  use." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "And  when  he  had  got  his  watch 
away  from  them,  he  just  let  them  go,  because  they 
had  families  dependent  on  them." 

Willis:  "I  should  have  let  them  go  in  the  first 
place,  but  you  behaved  handsomely  in  the  end, 
Roberts;  there's  no  denying  that.  And  when  you 
came  in  she  gave  you  cologne  to  drink,  and  poured 
brandy  on  your  head.  It  must  have  revived  you. 
I  should  think  it  would  wake  the  dead." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  I  was  all  excitement,  Willis — " 

Willis :  "  No,  I  should  think  from  the  fact  that 
you  had  set  the  decanter  here  on  the  hearth,  and 
put  your  cologne  into  the  wood-box,  you  were  per- 
fectly calm,  Agnes."  He  takes  them  up  and  hands 
them  to  her.  "  Quite  as  calm  as  usual."  The  door- 
bell rings. 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  Willis,  will  you  let  that  ridicu- 
lous man  go  away  and  make  himself  presentable 
before  people  begin  to  come  ?"  The  bell  rings  vio- 
lently, peal  upon  peal. 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Oh,  my  goodness,  what's  that  ? 
It's  the  garroters — I  know  it  is;  and  we  shall  all  be 
murdered  in  our  beds  !" 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  What  in  the  world  can  it — " 

Willis :  "  Why  don't  your  girl  answer  the  bell, 
Agnes  ?  Or  I'll  go  myself."  The  bell  rings  vio- 
lently again. 


20  THE    GAEEOTEES. 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "JVo,  Willis,  you  shaVt!  Don't 
leave  me,  Edward  !  Aunt  Mary  ! — Oh,  if  we  must 
die,  let  us  all  die  together  !  Oh,  my  poor  children! 
Ugh  !  What's  that  ?"  The  servant-maid  opens  the 
outer  door,  and  uttering  a  shriek,  rushes  in  through 
the  drawing-room  porti&re. 

Bella,  the  Maid :  "  Oh,  my  goodness  !  Mrs.  Rob- 
erts, it's  Mr.  Bemis  !" 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Which  Mr.  Bemis  ?" 
Roberts :  "  What's  the  matter  with  him  ?" 
Mrs.  Crashaw:  "  Why  doesn't  she  show  him  in  ?" 
Willis :  "  Has  he  been  garroting  somebody  too  ?" 


IV. 

MR.  BEMIS,  MR.  CAMPBELL,  MR.  AND  MRS.  ROBERTS. 

JBemis,  appearing  through  the  portiere:  "I — 
I  beg  your  pardon,  Mrs.  Roberts.  I  oughtn't  to 
present  myself  in  this  state — I —  But  I  thought 
I'd  better  stop  on  ray  way  home  and  report,  so  that 
my  son  needn't  be  alarmed  at  my  absence  when  he 
Comes.  I — "  He  stops,  exhausted,  and  regards  the 
others  with  a  wild  stare,  while  they  stand  taking 
note  of  his  disordered  coat,  his  torn  vest,  and  his 
tumbled  hat.  "  I've  just  been  robbed — " 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Bobbed?  Why,  JZdward  has 
been  robbed  too." 

JBemis:  " — coming  through  the  Common — " 

Mrs.  JKoberts:  "Yes,  JEdwardwas  coming  through 
the  Common." 

Bemis :  "  — of  my  watch — " 

Mrs.  Roberts,  in  rapturous  admiration  of  the  co- 
incidence :  "Oh,  and  it  was  Edward's  watch  they 
took  !" 

Willis :  "  It's  a  parallel  case,  Agnes.  Pour  him 
out  a  glass  of  cologne  to  drink,  and  rub  his  head 
with  brandy.  And  you  might  let  him  sit  down 
and  rest  while  you're  enjoying  the  excitement." 


22  THE    GARROTERS. 

Mrs.  Roberts,  in  hospitable  remorse  :  "  Oh,  what 
am  I  thinking  of  !  Here,  Edward — or  no,  you're 
too  weak,  you  mustn't.  Willis,  you  help  me  to 
help  him  to  the  sofa." 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  I  think  you'd  better  help  him 
off  with  his  overcoat  and  his  arctics."  To  the  maid: 
"  Here,  Bella,  if  you  haven't  quite  taken  leave  of 
your  wits,  undo  his  shoes." 

Roberts :  "I'll  help  him  off  with  his  coat — " 

Bemis :  "  Careful !  careful !  I  may  be  injured  in- 
ternally." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Oh,  if  you  only  were,  Mr.  Bemis, 
perhaps  I  could  persuade  Edward  that  he  was  too: 
I  know  he  is.  Edward,  don't  exert  yourself  !  Aunt 
Mary,  will  you  stop  him,  or  do  you  all  wish  to  see 
me  go  distracted  here  before  your  eyes?" 

Willis,  examining  the  overcoat  which  Roberts  has 
removed :  "  Well,  you  won't  have  much  trouble  but- 
toning and  unbuttoning  this  coat  for  the  present." 

Bemis :  "  They  tore  it  open,  and  tore  my  watch 
from  my  vest  pocket — " 

Willis,  looking  at  the  vest :  "  I  see.  Pretty  lively 
work.  Were  there  many  of  them  ?" 

Bemis :  "  There  must  have  been  two,  at  least — " 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "There  were  half  a  dozen  in  the 
gang  that  attacked  Edward." 

Bemis:  "One  of  them  pulled  me  violently  over 
on  my  back — " 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Edward's  put  his  arm  round  his 
neck  and  choked  him." 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "Agnes  !" 


"  I'VE    JUST   BEEN    ROBBKD  I" 


THE    GARROTERS.  25 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "I  know  he  did,  Aunt  Mary." 

Semis :  "  And  the  other  tore  my  watch  out  of  my 
pocket." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "Edwards—" 

Mrs.  Crashaw:  "  Agnes,  I'm  thoroughly  ashamed 
of  you.  Will  you  stop  interrupting  ?" 

JBemis:  "And  left  me  lying  in  the  snow." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "And  then  he  ran  after  them,  and 
snatched  his  watch  away  again  in  spite  of  them  all; 
and  he  didn't  call  for  the  police,  or  anything,  be- 
cause it  was  their  first  offence,  and  he  couldn't  bear 
to  think  of  their  suffering  families." 

JBemis,  with  a  stare  of  profound  astonishment : 
"Who?" 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Edward.  Didn't  I  say  Edward, 
all  the  time  ?" 

JBemis:  "I  thought  you  meant  me.  I  didn't 
think  of  pursuing  them;  but  you  may  be  very  sure 
that  if  there  had  been  a  policeman  within  call — of 
course  there  wasn't  one  within  cannon  -  shot — I 
should  have  handed  the  scoundrels  over  without 
the  slightest  remorse." 

Roberts :  "  Oh  !"  He  sinks  into  a  chair  with  a 
slight  groan. 

Willis:  "What  is  it?" 

Roberts :  "  'Sh  !  Don't  say  anything.  But — stay 
here.  I  want  to  speak  with  you,  Willis." 

JBemis,  with  mounting  wrath :  "  I  should  not  have 
hesitated  an  instant  to  give  the  rascal  in  charge,  no 
matter  who  was  dependent  upon  him — no  matter  if 
he  were  my  dearest  friend,  my  own  brother." 


26  THE    GARKOTERS. 

Roberts,  under  his  breath :  "  Gracious  powers  !" 

JBemis :  "  And  while  I  am  very  sorry  to  disagree 
with  Mr.  Roberts,  I  can't  help  feeling  that  he  made 
a  great  mistake  in  allowing  the  ruffians  to  escape." 

Mrs.  Cr ashaw,  with  severity :  "I  think  you  are 
quite  right,  Mr.  Bemis." 

JBemis :  "  Probably  it  was  the  same  gang  attacked 
us  both.  After  escaping  from  Mr.  Roberts  they 
fell  upon  me." 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  I  haven't  a  doubt  of  it." 

Roberts,  sotto  voce  to  his  brother-in-law :  "  I  think 
I'll  ask  you  to  go  with  me  to  my  room,  Willis. 
Don't  alarm  Agnes,  please.  I — I  feel  quite  faint." 

Mrs.  Roberts,  crestfallen :  "  I  can't  feel  that  Ed- 
ward was  to  blame.  Ed —  Oh,  I  suppose  he's  gone 
off  to  make  himself  presentable.  But  Willis — 
Where's  Willis,  Aunt  Mary  ?" 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  Probably  gone  with  him  to  help 
him." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Oh,  he  saw  how  unstrung  poor 
Edward  was  !  Mr.  Bemis,  I  think  you're  quite 
prejudiced.  How  could  Edward  help  their  escap- 
ing? I  think  it  was  quite  enough  for  him,  single- 
handed,  to  get  his  watch  back."  A  ring  at  the 
door,  and  then  a  number  of  voices  in  the  anteroom. 
"I  do  believe  they're  all  there !  I'll  just  run  out 
and  prepare  your  son.  He  would  be  dreadfully 
shocked  if  he  came  right  in  upon  you."  She  runs 
into  the  anteroom,  and  is  heard  without:  "  Oh,  Dr. 
Lawton  !  Oh,  Lou  dear  !  Oh,  Mr.  Bemis  !  How 
can  I  ever  tell  you  ?  Your  poor  father  !  No,  no,  I 


THE    GAKEOTEKS.  27 

carft  tell  you  !  You  mustn't  ask  me  !  It's  too  hid- 
eous! And  you  wouldn't  believe  me  if  I  did." 

Chorus  of  anguished  voices :  "  What  ?  what  ? 
what  ?" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  They've  been  robbed  !  Garroted 
on  the  Common  !  And,  oA,  Dr.  Lawton,  I'm  so  glad 
you've  come  !  They're  both  injured  internally,  but 
I  wish  you'd  look  at  Edward  first." 

Bemis:  "  Good  heavens  !  Is  that  Mrs.  Roberts's 
idea  of  preparing  my  son  ?  And  his  poor  young 
wife  !"  He  addresses  his  demand  to  Mrs.  Crashaw, 
who  lifts  the  hands  of  impotent  despair. 


PART  SECOND. 

MR.  ROBERTS ;  MR.  CAMPBELL. 

IN  Mr.  Roberts's  dressing- room,  that  gentleman  is 
discovered  tragically  confronting  Mr.  Willis  Camp- 
bell, with  a  watch  uplifted  in  either  hand. 

Willis:  "Well?" 

Roberts,  gasping :  "  My — my  watch  !" 

Willis:  "Yes.  How  comes  there  to  be  two  of 
it?" 

Roberts :  "  Don't  you  understand  ?  When  I  went 
out  I — didn't  take  my  watch — with  me.  I  left  it 
here  on  my  bureau." 

Willis:  "Well?" 

Roberts  :  "  Oh,  merciful  heavens  !  don't  you  see  ? 
Then  I  couldn't  have  been  robbed  !" 

Willis:  "Well,  but  whose  watch  did  you  take 
from  the  fellow  that  didn't  rob  you,  then  ?" 

.Roberts:  "His  own !"  He  abandons  himself  pow- 
erlessly  upon  a  chair.  "  Yes  ;  I  left  my  own  watch 
here,  and  %when  that  person  brushed  against  me  in 
the  Common,  I  missed  it  for  the  first  time.  I  sup- 
posed he  had  robbed  me,  and  ran  after  him,  and — " 

Willis:  "Robbed  him!" 

Roberts:  "Yes." 


THE    GARROTERS.  29 

Willis:  "Ah,  ha,  ha,  ha!  I,  hi,  hi,  hi!  O,  ho, 
ho,  ho !"  He  yields  to  a  series  of  the.se  gusts  and 
paroxysms,  bowing  up  and  down,  and  stamping  to 
and  fro,  and  finally  sits  down  exhausted,  and  wipes 
the  tears  from  his  cheeks.  "  Really,  this  thing  will 
kill  me.  What  are  you  going  to  do  about  it,  Rob- 
erts?" 

Roberts,  with  profound  dejection  and  abysmal 
solemnity :  "  I  don't  know,  Willis.  Don't  you  see 
that  it  must  have  been — that  I  must  have  robbed — 
Mr.  Bemis  ?" 

Willis :  "  Bemis  !"  After  a  moment  for  tasting 
the  fact.  "  Why,  so  it  was  !  Oh,  Lord !  oh,  Lord  ! 
And  was  poor  old  Bemis  that  burly  ruffian  ?  that 
blood-thirsty  gang  of  giants?  that  —  that  —  oh, 
Lord !  oh,  Lord !"  He  bows  his  head  upon  his 
chair-back  in  complete  exhaustion,  demanding,  fee- 
bly, as  he  gets  breath  for  the  successive  questions, 
"  What  are  you  going  to  d-o-o-o?  What  shall  you 
s-a-a-a-y  ?  How  can  you  expla-a-ain  it  ?" 

Roberts:  "I  can  do  nothing.  I  can  say  nothing. 
I  can  never  explain  it.  I  must  go  to  Mr.  Bemis 
and  make  a  clean  breast  of  it ;  but  think  of  the  ab- 
surdity— the  ridicule !" 

Willis,  after  a  thoughtful  silence :  "  Oh,  it  isn't 
that  you've  got  to  think  of.  You've  got  to  think 
of  the  old  gentleman's  sense  of  injury  and  outrage. 
Didn't  you  hear  what  he  said — that  he  would  have 
handed  over  his  dearest  friend,  his  own  brother,  to 
the  police?" 

Roberts:  "But  that  was  in  the  supposition  that 


30  THE    GARROTERS. 

his  dearest  friend,  his  own  brother,  had  intention- 
ally robbed  him.  You  can't  imagine,  Willis — " 

Willis:  "  Oh,  I  can  imagine  a  great  many  things. 
It's  all  well  enough  for  you  to  say  that  the  robbery 
was  a  mistake  ;  but  it  was  a  genuine  case  of  gar- 
roting,  as  far  as  the  assault  and  taking  the  watch 
go.  He's  a  very  pudgicky  old  gentleman." 

Roberts:  "He  is." 

Willis:  "And  I  don't  see  how  you're  going  to 
satisfy  him  that  it  was  all  a  joke.  Joke  ?  It  icastft 
a  joke  !  It  was  a  real  assault  and  a  bona  fide  rob- 
bery, and  Bemis  can  prove  it." 

Roberts :  "  But  he  would  never  insist — " 

Willis:  "  Oh,  I  don't  know  about  that.  He's  pret- 
ty queer,  Bemis  is.  You  can't  say  what  an  old  gen- 
tleman like  that  will  or  won't  do.  If  he  should 
choose  to  carry  it  into  court — " 

Roberts:  "Court!" 

Willis  :  " — it  might  be  embarrassing.  And  any- 
way, it  would  have  a  very  strange  look  in  the  pa- 
pers." 

Roberts :  "  The  papers  !     Good  gracious  !" 

Willis :  "  Ten  years  from  now,  a  man  that  heard 
you  mentioned  would  forget  all  about  the  acquit- 
tal, and  say  :  '  Roberts  ?  Oh  yes  !  Wasn't  he  the 
one  they  sent  to  the  House  of  Correction  for  gar- 
roting  an  old  friend  of  his  on  the  Common  ?'  Yon 
see  it  wouldn't  do  to  go  and  make  a  clean  breast  of 
it  to  Bemis." 

Roberts :  "  I  see." 

Willis:  "What  will  you  do?" 


THE    GARROTERS.  31 

Roberts :  "  I  must  never  say  anything  to  him 
about  it.  Just  let  it  go." 

Willis  :  "  And  keep  his  watch  ?  I  don't  see  how 
you  could  manage  that.  What  would  you  do  with 
the  watch  ?  You  might  sell  it,  of  course — " 

Roberts :  "  Oh  no,  I  couldn't  do  that." 

Willis:  "You  might  give  it  away  to  some  de- 
serving person ;  but  if  it  got  him  into  trouble — " 

Roberts:  "No,  no;  that  wouldn't  do,  either." 

Willis:  "And  you  can't  have  it  lying  around; 
Agnes  would  be  sure  to  find  it,  sooner  or  later." 

Roberts:  "Yes." 

Willis:  "Besides,  there's  your  conscience.  Your 
conscience  wouldn't  let  you  keep  Bemis's  watch 
away  from  him.  And  if  it  would,  what  do  you 
suppose  Agnes's  conscience  would  do  when  she 
came  to  find  it  out  ?  Agnes  hasn't  got  much  of  a 
head — the  want  of  it  seems  to  grow  upon  her;  but 
she's  got  a  conscience  as  big  as  the  side  of  a 
house." 

Roberts:  "Oh,  I  see;  I  see." 

Willis,  coming  up  and  standing  over  him,  with 
his  hands  in  his  pockets :  "  I  tell  you  what,  Rob- 
erts, you're  in  a  box." 

Roberts,  abjectly  :  "  I  know  it,  Willis  ;  I  know 
it.  What  do  you  suggest  ?  You  must  know  some 
way  out  of  it." 

Willis:  "  It  isn't  a  simple  matter  like  telling  them 

to  start  the  elevator  down  when  they  couldn't  start 

her  up.     I've  got  to  think  it  over."     He  walks  to 

and  fro,  Roberts's  eyes  helplessly  following  his 

3 


32  THE    GABROTERS. 

movements.  "How  would  it  do  to —  No,  that 
wouldn't  do,  either." 

Roberts :  "  What  wouldn't  ?" 

Willis  :  "  Nothing.  I  was  just  thinking —  I  say, 
you  might —  Or,  no,  you  couldn't." 

Roberts :  "  Couldn't  what  ?" 

Willis:  "Nothing.  But  if  you  were  to —  No; 
up  a  stump  that  way  too." 

Roberts  :  "  Which  way  ?  For  mercy's  sake,  my 
dear  fellow,  don't  seem  to  get  a  clew  if  you  haven't 
it.  It's  more  than  I  can  bear."  He  rises,  and  des- 
perately confronts  Willis  in  his  promenade.  "If 
you  see  any  hope  at  all — " 

Willis,  stopping:  "Why,  if  you  were  a  different 
sort  of  fellow,  Roberts,  the  thing  would  be  per- 
fectly easy." 

Roberts:  "  Very  well,  then.  What  sort  of  fellow 
do  you  want  me  to  be  ?  I'll  be  any  sort  of  fellow 
you  like." 

Willis:  "  Oh,  but  you  couldn't !  With  that  face 
of  yours,  and  that  confounded  conscience  of  yours 
behind  it,  you  would  give  away  the  whitest  lie  that 
was  ever  told." 

Roberts :  "  Do  you  wish  me  to  He  ?  Very  well, 
then,  I  will  lie.  What  is  the  lie  ?" 

Willis:  "Ah,  now  you're  talking  like  a  man!  I 
can  soon  think  up  a  lie,  if  you're  game  for  it. 
Suppose  it  wasn't  so  very  white — say  a  delicate 
blonde !" 

Roberts :  "  I  shouldn't  care  if  it  were  as  black  as 
the  ace  of  spades." 


THE   GABBOTEBS.  33 

Willis:  "Roberts,  I  honor  you!  It  isn't  every- 
body who  could  steal  an  old  gentleman's  watch, 
and  then  be  so  ready  to  lie  out  of  it.  Well,  you 
have  got  courage — both  kinds — moral  and  physi- 
cal." 

Roberts :  "  Thank  you,  Willis.  Of  course  I  don't 
pretend  that  I  should  be  willing  to  lie,  under  ordi- 
nary circumstances;  but  for  the  sake  of  Agnes  and 
the  children —  I  don't  want  any  awkwardness 
about  the  matter;  it  would  be  the  death  of  me. 
Well,  what  do  you  wish  me  to  say?  Be  quick;  I 
don't  believe  I  could  hold  out  for  a  great  while.  I 
don't  suppose  but  what  Mr.  Bemis  would  be  rea- 
sonable, even  if  I — " 

Willis :  "  I'm  afraid  we  couldn't  trust  him.  The 
only  way  is  for  you  to  take  the  bull  by  the 
horns." 

Roberts:  "Yes?" 

Willis :  "  You  will  not  only  have  to  lie,  Roberts, 
but  you  will  have  to  wear  an  air  of  innocent  can- 
dor at  the  same  time." 

Roberts :  "  I — I'm  afraid  I  couldn't  manage  that. 
What  is  your  idea  ?" 

Willis:  "Oh,  just  come  into  the  room  with  a 
laugh,  when  we  go  back,  and  say,  in  an  off-hand 
way,  *  By  the  way,  Agnes,  Willis  and  I  made  a  re- 
markable discovery  in  my  dressing-room ;  we  found 
my  watch  there  on  the  bureau.  Ha,  ha,  ha  !'  Do 
you  think  you  could  do  it  ?" 

Roberts:  "I — I  don't  know." 

Willis:  "Try  the  laugh  now." 


34  THE    GAEROTERS. 

Roberts :  "  I'd  rather  not — now." 

Willis :  "  Well,  try  it,  anyway." 

Jtoberts:  "  Ha,  ha,  ha  !" 

Willis:  "Once  more." 

Roberta :  "  Ha,  ha,  ha  !" 

Willis:  "Pretty  ghastly;  but  I  guess  you  can 
come  it." 

Jtoberts :  "  I'll  try.     And  then  what  ?" 

Willis  :  "  And  then  you  say,  '  I  hadn't  put  it  on 
when  I  went  out,  and  when  I  got  after  that  fellow 
and  took  it  back,  I  was  simply  getting  somebody 
else's  watch  !'  Then  you  hold  out  both  watches 
to  her,  and  laugh  again.  Everybody  laughs,  and 
crowds  round  you  to  examine  the  watches,  and  you 
make  fun  and  crack  jokes  at  your  own  expense  all 
the  time,  and  pretty  soon  old  Bemis  says,  *  Why, 
this  is  my  watch,  now  /'  and  you  laugh  more  than 
ever — " 

Roberts:  "I'm  afraid  I  couldn't  laugh  when  he 
said  that.  I  don't  believe  I  could  laugh.  It  would 
make  my  blood  run  cold." 

Willis :  "  Oh  no,  it  wouldn't.  You'd  be  in  the 
spirit  of  it  by  that  time." 

Roberts :  "  Do  you  think  so  ?    Well  ?" 

Willis:  "And  then  you  say,  'Well,  this  is  the 
most  remarkable  coincidence  I  ever  heard  of.  I 
didn't  get  my  own  watch  from  the  fellow,  but  I  got 
yours,  Mr.  Bemis;'  and  then  you  hand  it  over  to 
him  and  say,  *  Sorry  I  had  to  break  the  chain  in 
getting  it  from  him,'  and  then  everybody  laughs 
again,  and — and  that  ends  it." 


THE    GAKROTEES.  35 

Roberts,  with  a  profound  sigh :  "  Do  you  think 
that  would  end  it  ?" 

Willis:  "  Why,  certainly.  It  '11  put  old  Bemis  in 
the  wrong,  don't  you  see  ?  It  '11  show  that  instead 
of  letting  the  fellow  escape  to  go  and  rob  him,  you 
attacked  him  and  took  Bemis's  property  back  from 
him  yourself.  Bemis  wouldn't  have  a  word  to  say. 
All  you've  got  to  do  is  to  keep  up  a  light,  confident 
manner." 

Roberts :  "  But  what  if  it  shouldn't  put  Bemis  in 
the  wrong  ?  What  if  he  shouldn't  say  or  do  any- 
thing that  we've  counted  upon,  but  something  alto- 
gether different  ?" 

Willis:  "Well,  then,  you  must  trust  to  inspira- 
tion, and  adapt  yourself  to  circumstances." 

Roberts:  "Wouldn't  it  be  rather  more  of  a  joke 
to  come  out  with  the  facts  at  once  ?" 

Willis :  "  On  you  it  would;  and  a  year  from  now 
— say  next  Christmas — you  could  get  the  laugh  on 
Bemis  that  way.  But  if  you  were  to  risk  it  now, 
there's  no  telling  how  he'd  take  it.  He's  so  indig- 
nant he  might  insist  upon  leaving  the  house.  But 
with  this  plan  of  mine—" 

Roberts,  in  despair :  "  I  couldn't,  Willis.  I  don't 
feel  light,  and  I  don't  feel  confident,  and  I  couldn't 
act  it.  If  it  were  a  simple  lie — " 

Willis:  "  Oh,  lies  are  never  simple;  they  require 
the  exercise  of  all  your  ingenuity.  If  you  want 
something  simple,  you  must  stick  to  the  truth,  and 
throw  yourself  on  Bemis's  mercy." 

Roberts,  walking  up  and  down  in  great  distress: 


36  THE    GAEROTEKS. 

"  I  can't  do  it;  I  can't  do  it.  It's  very  kind  of 
you  to  think  it  all  out  for  me,  but" — struck 
by  a  sudden  idea — "Willis,  why  shouldn't  you 
doit?" 

Willis:  "I?" 

Roberts:  "You  are  good  at  those  things.  You 
have  so  much  aplomb,  you  know.  You  could  carry 
it  off,  you  know,  first-rate." 

Willis,  as  if  finding  a  certain  fascination  in  the 
idea  :  "  Well,  I  don't  know—" 

Roberts :  "And  I  could  chime  in  on  the  laugh.  I 
think  I  could  do  that  if  somebody  else  was  doing 
the  rest." 

Willis,  after  a  moment  of  silent  reflection:  "I 
should  like  to  do  it.  I  should  like  to  see  how  old 
Bemis  would  look  when  I  played  it  on  him.  Rob- 
erts, I  will  do  it.  Not  a  word !  I  should  like  to 
do  it.  Now  you  go  on  and  hurry  up  your  toilet, 
old  fellow;  you  needn't  mind  me  here.  I'll  be  re- 
hearsing." 

Mrs.  Roberts,  knocking  at  the  door,  outside :  "  Ed- 
ward, are  you  never  coming  ?" 

Roberts:  "  Yes,  yes  ;  I'll  be  there  in  a  minute,  my 
dear." 

Willis:  "  Yes,  he'll  be  there.  Run  along  back,  and 
keep  it  going  till  we  come.  Roberts,  I  wouldn't 
take  a  thousand  dollars  for  this  chance." 

Roberts:  "I'm  glad  you  like  it." 

Willis :  "  Like  it  ?  Of  course  I  do.  Or,  no  !  Hold 
on  !  Wait !  It  won't  do  !  No;  you  must  take  the 
leading  part,  and  I'll  support  you,  and  I'll  come  in 


THE    GARBOTERS.  37 

strong  if  you  break  down.  That's  the  way  we  have 
got  to  work  it.  You  must  make  the -start." 

Roberts:  "  Couldn't  you  make  it  better,  Willis ? 
It's  your  idea." 

Willis:  "No;  they'd  be  sure  to  suspect  me,  and 
they  can't  suspect  you  of  anything — you're  so  in- 
nocent. The  illusion  will  be  complete." 

Roberts,  very  doubtfully  :  "  Do  you  think  so  ?" 

Willis :  "  Yes.  Hurry  up.  Let  me  unbutton  that 
collar  for  you." 


PART  THIRD. 
I. 

MRS.  ROBERTS,  DR.  LAWTON,  MRS.  CRASHAW,  MR. 
BEMIS,  YOUNG  MR.  AND  MRS.  BEMIS. 

MRS.  ROBERTS,  surrounded  by  her  guests,  and 
confronting  from  her  sofa  Mr.  Bemis,  who  still  re- 
mains sunken  in  his  arm-chair,  has  apparently  closed 
an  exhaustive  recital  of  the  events  which  have  end- 
ed in  his  presence  there.  She  looks  round  with  a 
mixed  air  of  self-denial  and  self-satisfaction  to  read 
the  admiration  of  her  listeners  in  their  sympathetic 
countenances. 

Dr.  Lawton,  with  an  ironical  sigh  of  profound 
impression  :  "  Well,  Mrs.  Roberts,  you  are  certain- 
ly the  most  lavishly  hospitable  of  hostesses.  Every 
one  knows  what  delightful  dinners  you  give;  but 
these  little  dramatic  episodes  which  you  offer  your 
guests,  by  way  of  appetizer,  are  certainly  unique. 
Last  year  an  elevator  stuck  in  the  shaft  with  half 
the  company  in  it,  and  this  year  a  highway  robbery, 
its  daring  punishment  and  its  reckless  repetition — 
what  the  newspapers  will  call  *A  Triple  Mystery' 
when  it  gets  to  them — and  both  victims  among  our 
commensals  !  Really,  I  don't  know  what  more  we 


SHE   LOOKS   FONDLY   UP   INTO   THE   PACE   OF   HER   HUSBAND   FOR 
APPROVAL. 


THE    GARROTEES.  41 

could  ask  of  you,  unless  it  were  the  foot-padded 
footpad  himself  as  a  commensal.  If  this  sort  of 
thing  should  become  de  rigueur  in  society  gener- 
ally, I  don't  know  what's  to  become  of  people  who 
haven't  your  invention." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Oh,  it's  all  very  well  to  make  fun 
now,  Dr.  Lawton  ;  but  if  you  had  been  here  when 
they  first  came  in — " 

Young  Mrs.  Semis:  "  Yes,  indeed,  I  think  so  too, 
Mrs.  Roberts.  If  Mr.  Bemis — Alfred,  I  mean — and 
papa  hadn't  been  with  me  when  you  came  out  there 
to  prepare  us,  I  don't  know  what  I  should  have 
done.  I  should  certainly  have  died,  or  gone  through 
the  floor."  She  looks  fondly  up  into  the  face  of 
her  husband  for  approval,  where  he  stands  behind 
her  chair,  and  furtively  gives  him  her  hand  for 
pressure. 

Young  Mr.  Bemis :  "  Somebody  ought  to  write 
to  the  Curwens — Mrs.  Curwen,  that  is — about  it." 

Mrs.  Bemis,  taking  away  her  hand  :  "  Oh  yes, 
papa,  do  write  !" 

Lawton :  "  I  will,  my  dear.  Even  Mrs.  Curwen, 
dazzling  away  in  another  sphere — hemisphere — 
and  surrounded  by  cardinals  and  all  the  other  ce- 
lestial lights  there  at  Rome,  will  be  proud  to  ex- 
ploit this  new  evidence  of  American  enterprise.  I 
can  fancy  the  effect  she  will  produce  with  it." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "And  the  Millers — what  a  shame 
they  couldn't  come  !  How  excited  they  would 
have  been  !  —  that  is,  Mrs.  Miller.  Is  their  baby 
very  bad,  Doctor  ?" 


42  THE    GARROTERS. 

Lawton :  "  Well,  vaccination  is  always  a  very  se- 
rious thing — with  a  first  child.  I  should  say,  from 
the  way  Mrs.  Miller  feels  about  it,  that  Miller 
wouldn't  be  able  to  be  out  for  a  week  to  come 
yet." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Oh,  how  ridiculous  you  are,  Doc- 
tor !" 

JBemis,  rising  feebly  from  his  chair  :  "  Well,  now 
that  it's  all  explained,  Mrs.  Roberts,  I  think  I'd 
better  go  home  ;  and  if  you'll  kindly  have  them 
telephone  for  a  carriage — " 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "JVb,  indeed,  Mr.  Bemis  !  We  shall 
not  let  you  go.  Why,  the  idea!  You  must  stay 
and  take  dinner  with  us,  just  the  same." 

Jfemis :  "  But  in  this  state — " 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Oh,  never  mind  the  state.  You 
look  perfectly  well ;  and  if  you  insist  upon  going  I 
shall  know  that  you  bear  a  grudge  against  Edward 
foi1  not  arresting  him.  Wait !  We  can  put  you  in 
perfect  order  in  just  a  second."  She  flies  out  of 
the  room,  and  then  comes  swooping  back  with  a 
needle  and  thread,  a  fresh  white  necktie,  a  hand- 
kerchief, and  a  hair  -  brush.  "  There  !  I  can't  let 
you  go  to  Edward's  dressing-room,  because  he's 
there  himself,  and  the  children  are  in  mine,  and 
we've  had  to  put  the  new  maid  in  the  guest-cham- 
ber— you  are  rather  cramped  in  flats,  that's  true  ; 
that's  the  worst  of  them — but  if  you  don't  mind 
having  your  toilet  made  in  public,  like  the  King 
of  France — " 

JBemis,  entering  into  the  spirit  of  it :  "  Not  the 


THE    GARROTERS.  43 

least ;  but — "  He  laughs,  and  drops  back  into  his 
chair. 

Mrs.  Roberts,  distributing  the  brush  to  young 
Mr.  Bemis,  and  the  tie  to  his  wife,  and  dropping 
upon  her  knees  before  Mr.  Bemis  :  "  Now,  Mrs. 
Lou,  you  just  whip  off  that  crumpled  tie  and  whip 
on  the  fresh  one,  and,  Mister  Lou,  you  give  his  hair 
a  touch,  and  I'll  have  this  torn  button-hole  mended 
before  you  can  think."  She  seizes  it  and  begins  to 
sew  vigorously  upon  it. 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  Agnes,  you  are  the  most  ridic- 
ulously sensible  woman  in  the  country." 

Lawton,  standing  before  the  group,  with  his 
arms  folded  and  his  feet  well  apart,  in  an  attitude 
of  easy  admiration :  "  The  Wounded  Adonis,  at- 
tended by  the  Loves  and  Graces.  Familiar  Pom- 
peiian  fresco." 

Mrs.  Roberts,  looking  around  at  him  :  "  I  don't 
see  a  great  many  Loves." 

Lawton :  "  She  ignores  us,  Mrs.  Crashaw.  And 
after  what  you've  just  said  !" 

Mrs.  Jtoberts :  "Then  why  don't  you  do  some- 
thing ?" 

Lawton:  "  The  Loves  never  do  anything — in  fres- 
coes. They  stand  round  and  sympathize.  Besides, 
we  are  waiting  to  administer  an  anaesthetic.  But 
what  I  admire  in  this  subject  even  more  than  the 
activity  of  the  Graces  is  the  serene  dignity  of  the 
Adonis.  I  have  seen  my  old  friend  in  many  trying 
positions,  but  I  never  realized  till  now  all  the  sim- 
pering absurdity,  the  flattered  silliness,  the  senile 


44  THE    GAEEOTEBS. 

coquettishness,  of  which  his  benign  countenance 
was  capable." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  Don't  mind  him  a  bit,  Mr.  Bemis; 
it's  nothing  but — " 

Lawton  :  "  Pure  envy.     I  own  it." 

Bemis :  "All  right,  Lawton.     Wait  till—" 

Mrs.  Roberts,  making  a  final  stitch,  snapping  off 
the  thread,  and  springing  to  her  feet,  all  in  one : 
"There,  have  you  finished,  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Lou? 
Well,  then,  take  this  lace  handkerchief,  and  draw 
it  down  from  his  neck  and  pin  it  in  his  waistcoat, 
and  you  have — " 

Lawton,  as  Mr.  Bemis  rises  to  his  feet :  "A  Gen- 
tleman of  the  Old  School.  Bemis,  you  look  like  a 
miniature  of  yourself  by  Malbone.  Rather  flatter- 
ed, but — recognizable." 

Bemis,  with  perfectly  recovered  gayety:  "  Go  on, 
go  on,  Lawton.  I  can  understand  your  envy.  I 
can  pity  it." 

Lawton:  "Could  you  forgive  Roberts  for  not 
capturing  the  garroter  ?" 

Bemis :  "  Yes,  I  could.  I  could  give  the  garroter 
his  liberty,  and  present  him  with  an  admission  to 
the  Provident  Wood-yard,  where  he  could  earn  an 
honest  living  for  his  family." 

Lawton,  compassionately :  "  You  are  pretty  far 
gone,  Bemis.  Really,  I  think  somebody  ought  to 
go  for  Roberts." 

Mrs.  Roberts,  innocently  :  "Yes,  indeed  !  Why, 
what  in  the  world  can  be  keeping  him  ?"  A  nurse- 
maid enters  and  beckons  Mrs.  Roberts  to  the  door 


THE    GAKROTEES.  45 

with  a  glance.  She  runs  to  her ;  they  whis- 
per ;  and  then  Mrs.  Roberts,  over  her  shoulder  : 
"  That  ridiculous  great  boy  of  mine  says  he  can't 
go  to  sleep  unless  I  come  and  kiss  him  good- 
night." 

Lawton:  "Which  ridiculous  great  boy,  I  won- 
der?— Roberts,  or  Campbell?  But  I  didn't  know 
they  had  gone  to  bed  !" 

Mrs.  Semis:  "You  are  too  bad,  papa!  You 
know  it's  little  Neddy." 

Mrs.  Roberts,  vanishing  :  "  Oh,  I  don't  mind  his 
nonsense,  Lou.  I'll  fetch  them  both  back  with 
me." 

Lawton,  after  making  a  melodramatic  search  for 
concealed  listeners  at  the  doors  :  "  Now,  friends,  I 
have  a  revelation  to  make  in  Mrs.  Roberts's  ab- 
sence. I  have  found  out  the  garroter — the  assas- 
sin." 

All  the  others :  "What!" 

Lawton :  "  He  has  been  secured — " 

Mrs.  Crashaw,  severely :  "  Well,  I'm  very  glad 
of  it." 

Young  Bemis :  "  By  the  police  ?" 

Mrs.  Bemis,  incredulously:  "Papa  !" 

Bemis:  "But  there  were  several  of  them.  Have 
they  all  been  arrested  ?" 

Lawton:  "There  was  only  one,  and  none  of  him 
has  been  arrested." 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  Where  is  he,  then  ?" 

Lawton :  "  In  this  house." 

Mrs.  Crashaw:  "Now,  Dr.  Lawton,  you  and  I 


46  THE    GARROTERS. 

are  old  friends — I  shouldn't  like  to  say  how  old — 
but  if  you  don't  instantly  be  serious,  I — I'll  carry 
my  rheumatism  to  somebody  else." 

Lawton:  "  My  dear  Mrs.  Crash  aw,  you  know  how 
much  I  prize  that  rheumatism  of  yours  !  I  will  be 
serious — I  will  be  only  too  serious.  The  garroter 
is  Mr.  Roberts  himself." 

All,  horror-struck :  "  Oh  !" 

Lawton :  "  He  went  out  without  his  watch.  He 
thought  he  was  robbed,  but  he  wasn't.  He  ran 
after  the  supposed  thief,  our  poor  friend  Bemis 
here,  and  took  Bemis's  watch  away,  and  brought  it 
home  for  his  own." 

Young  Bemis :  "  Yes,  but—" 

Mrs.  Bemis :  "  But,  papa — " 

Bemis :  "  How  do  you  know  it  ?  I  can  see  how 
such  a  thing  might  happen,  but — how  do  you  know 
it  did  f" 

Lawton :  "  I  divined  it." 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  Nonsense  !" 

Lawton :  "  Very  well,  then,  I  read  of  just  such  a 
case  in  the  Advertiser  a  year  ago.  It  occurs  an- 
nually— in  the  newspapers.  And  I'll  tell  you  what, 
Mrs.  Crashaw — Roberts  found  out  his  mistake  as 
soon  as  he  went  to  his  dressing-room  ;  and  that  in- 
genious nephew  of  yours,  who's  closeted  with  him 
there,  has  been  trying  to  put  him  up  to  something 
— to  some  game." 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  Willis  has  too  much  sense.  He 
would  know  that  Edward  couldn't  carry  out  any 
sort  of  game." 


THE    GAEKOTERS.  47 

Lawton:  "Well,  then,  he's  getting  Roberts  to  let 
him  carry  out  the  game." 

Mrs.  Crashaw:  "  Edward  couldn't  do* that  either." 

Lawton:  "Very  well,  then,  just  wait  till  they 
come  back.  Will  you  leave  me  to  deal  with  Camp- 
bell ?" 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  What  are  you  going  to  do  ?" 

Young  JBemis :  "  You  mustn't  forget  that  he  got 
us  out  of  the  elevator,  sir." 

Mrs.  JBemis:  "We  might  have  been  there  yet  if 
it  hadn't  been  for  him,  papa." 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  I  shouldn't  want  Willis  morti- 
fied." 

Bemis :  "  Nor  Mr.  Roberts  annoyed.  We're  fel- 
low-sufferers in  this  business." 

Lawton :  "  Oh,  leave  it  to  me,  leave  it  to  me !  I'll 
spare  their  feelings.  Don't  be  afraid.  Ah,  there 
they  come  !  Now  don't  say  anything.  I'll  just 
step  into  the  anteroom  here." 


IX. 

MR.  ROBERTS,  MR.  CAMPBELL,  AND  THE  OTHERS. 

Roberts,  entering  the  room  before  Campbell,  and 
shaking  hands  with  his  guests :  "  Ah,  Mr.  Bemis ; 
Mrs.  Bemis  ;  Aunt  Mary  !  You've  heard  of  our 
comical  little  coincidence  —  our  —  Mr.  Bemis  and 
my — "  He  halts,  confused,  and  looks  around  for 
the  moral  support  of  Willis,  who  follows  hilariously. 

Willis :  "  Greatest  joke  on  record  !  But  I  won't 
spoil  it  for  you,  Roberts.  Go  on  !"  In  a  low  voice 
to  Roberts  :  "  And  don't  look  so  confoundedly 
down  in  the  mouth.  They  won't  think  it's  a  joke 
at  all." 

Roberts,  with  galvanic  lightness :  "  Yes,  yes — such 
a  joke  !  Well,  you  see — you  see — " 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  See  what,  Edward  ?  Do  get  it 
out !" 

Willis,  jollily :  "  Ah,  ha,  ha  1" 

Roberts,  lugubriously:  "Ah,  ha,  ha!" 

Mrs.  Bemis  :  "  How  funny  !    Ha,  ha,  ha  !" 

Young  Mr.  Semis :  "  Capital !  capital !" 

Bemis:  "Excellent!" 

Willis :  "  Go  on,  Roberts,  do  !  or  I  shall  die !  Ah, 
ha,  ha !" 


THE    GARROTERS.  49 

Roberts,  in  a  low  voice  of  consternation  to  Willis : 
"  Where  was  I  ?  I  can't  go  on  unless!  know  where 
I  was." 

Willis,  sotto  voce  to  Roberts :  "  You  weren't  any- 
where !  For  Heaven's  sake,  make  a  start !" 

Roberts,  to  the  others,  convulsively :  "  Ha,  ha,  ha  ! 
I  supposed  all  the  time,  you  know,  that  I  had  been 
robbed,  and — and — " 

Willis :  "  Go  on  !  go  on  !" 

Roberts,  whispering :  "  I  can't  do  it !" 

Willis,  whispering :  "  You've  got  to !  You're  the 
beaver  that  clomb  the  tree.  Laugh  naturally, 
now !" 

Roberts,  with  a  staccato  groan,  which  he  tries  to 
make  pass  for  a  laugh :  "  And  then  I  ran  after  the 
man — "  He  stops,  and  regards  Mr.  Bemis  with  a 
ghastly  stare. 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "What  is  the  matter  with  you, 
Edward  ?  Are  you  sick  ?" 

Willis :  "  Sick  ?  No !  Can't  you  see  that  he  can't 
get  over  the  joke  of  the  thing?  It's  killing  him." 
To  Roberts  :  "  Brace  up,  old  man  !  You're  doing 
it  splendidly." 

Roberts, hopelessly:  "And  then  the  other  man — 
the  man  that  had  robbed  me — the  man  that  I  had 
pursued — ugh  !" 

Willis:  "Well,  it  is  too  much  for  him.  I  shall 
have  to  tell  it  myself,  I  see." 

Roberts,  making  a  wild  effort  to  command  him- 
self :  "  And  so — so — this  man — man — ma —  " 

Willis:  "Oh,  good  Lord—"  Dr.  Lawtou  sud- 
4 


50  THE    GARROTERS. 

denly  appears  from  the  anteroom  and  confronts 
him.  "  Oh,  the  devil !" 

Lawton,  folding  his  arms,  and  fixing  his  eyes 
upon  him  :  "  Which  means  that  you  forgot  I  was 
coming." 

Willis :  "  Doctor,  you  read  a  man's  symptoms  at 
a  glance." 

Lawton :  "  Yes ;  and  I  can  see  that  you  are  in  a 
bad  way,  Mr.  Campbell." 

Willis  :  "  Why  don't  you  advertise,  Doctor  ?  Pa- 
tients need  only  enclose  a  lock  of  their  hair,  and  the 
color  of  their  eyes,  with  one  dollar  to  pay  the  cost 
of  materials,  which  will  be  sent,  with  full  directions 
for  treatment,  by  return  mail.  Seventh  son  of  a 
seventh  son." 

Lawton :  "  Ah,  don't  try  to  jest  it  away,  my  poor 
friend.  This  is  one  of  those  obscure  diseases  of  the 
heart — induration  of  the  pericardium — which,  if 
not  taken  in  time,  result  in  deceitfulness  above  all 
things,  and  desperate  wickedness." 

Willis :  "  Look  here,  Dr.  Lawton,  what  are  you 
up  to  ?" 

Lawton:  "  Look  here,  Mr.  Campbell,  what  is  your 
little  game  ?" 

Willis :  "I  don't  know  what  you're  up  to."  He 
shrugs  his  shoulders  and  walks  up  the  room. 

Lawton,  shrugging  his  shoulders  and  walking  up 
the  room  abreast  of  Campbell :  "J  don't  know  what 
your  little  game  is."  They  return  together,  and 
stop,  confronting  each  other. 


THE    GAEROTERS.  51 

Willis :  "  But  if  you  think  I'm  going  to  give  my- 
self away — "  . 

Lawton :  "  If  you  suppose  I'm  going  to  take  you 
at  your  own  figure — "  They  walk  up  the  room  to- 
gether, and  return  as  before. 

Willis :  "  Mrs.  Bemis,  what  is  this  unnatural  par- 
ent of  yours  after  ?" 

Mrs.  Bemis,  tittering  :  "  Oh,  I'm  sure  I  can't 
tell." 

Willis :  "  Aunt  Mary,  you  used  to  be  a  friend  of 
mine.  Can't  you  give  me  some  sort  of  clew  ?" 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  I  should  be  ashamed  of  you, 
Willis,  if  you  accepted  anybody's  help." 

Willis,  sighing:  "  Well,  this  is  pretty  hard  on  an 
orphan.  Here  I  come  to  join  a  company  of  friends 
at  the  fireside  of  a  burgled  brother-in-law,  and  I 
find  myself  in  a  nest  of  conspirators."  Suddenly, 
after  a  moment :  "  Oh,  I  understand.  Why,  I  ought 
to  have  seen  at  once.  But  no  matter — it's  just  as 
well.  I'm  sure  that  we  shall  hear  Dr.  Lawton  le- 
niently, and  make  allowance  for  his  well-known  foi- 
ble. Roberts  is  bound  by  the  laws  of  hospitality, 
and  Mr.  Bemis  is  the  father-in-law  of  his  daughter." 

Mrs.  Bemis,  in  serious  dismay :  "  Why,  Mr. 
Campbell,  what  do  you  mean  ?" 

Willis :  "  Simply  that  the  mystery  is  solved — the 
double  garroter  is  discovered.  I'm  sorry  for  you, 
Mrs.  Bemis  ;  and  no  one  will  wish  to  deal  harshly 
with  your  father  when  he  confesses  that  it  was  he 
who  robbed  Mr.  Roberts  and  Mr.  Bemis.  All  that 
they  ask  is  to  have  their  watches  back.  Go  on, 


52  THE    GAEEOTEES. 

Doctor  !  How  will  that  do,  Aunt  Mary,  for  a  lit- 
tle flyer?" 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  Willis,  I  declare  I  never  saw 
anybody  like  you  !"  She  embraces  him  with  joy- 
ous pride. 

Roberts,  coming  forward,  anxiously :  "  But,  my 
dear  Willis—" 

Willis,  clapping  his  hand  over  his  mouth,  and 
leading  him  back  to  his  place ;  "  We  can't  let  you 
talk  now.  I've  no  doubt  you'll  be  considerate,  and 
all  that,  but  Dr.  Lawton  has  the  floor.  Go  on,  Doc- 
tor !  Free  your  mind  !  Don't  be  afraid  of  telling 
the  whole  truth  !  It  will  be  better  for  you  in  the 
end."  He  rubs  his  hands  gleefully,  and  then  thrust- 
ing the  points  of  them  into  his  waistcoat-pockets, 
stands  beaming  triumphantly  upon  Lawton. 

Lawton :  "  Do  you  think  so  ?"  With  well-affect- 
ed trepidation:  "Well,  friends,  if  I  must  confess 
this— this— " 

Willis :  "  High-handed  outrage.     Go  on." 

Lawton :  "  I  suppose  I  must.  I  shall  not  expect 
mercy  for  myself;  perhaps  you'll  say  that,  as  an 
old  and  hardened  offender,  I  don't  deserve  it.  But 
I  had  an  accomplice — a  young  man  very  respect- 
ably connected,  and  who,  whatever  his  previous  life 
may  have  been,  had  managed  to  keep  a  good  repu- 
tation ;  a  young  man  a  little  apt  to  be  misled  by 
overweening  vanity  and  the  ill-advised  flattery  of 
his  friends;  but  I  hope  that  neither  of  you  gentle- 
men will  be  hard  upon  him,  but  will  consider  his 
youth,  and  perhaps  his  congenital  moral  and  in- 


THE    GAKROTEKS.  53 

tellectual  deficiencies,  even  when  you  find  your 
watches  —  on  Mr.  Campbell's  person."  He  leans 
forward,  rubbing  his  hands,  and  smiling  upon 
Campbell.  "  How  will  that  do,  Mr.  Campbell,  for 
a  flyer  ?" 

Willis,  turning  to  Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  One  ahead, 
Aunt  Mary  ?" 

Lawton,  clasping  him  by  the  hand :  "  No,  gen- 
erous youth — even  !"  They  shake  hands,  clapping 
each  other  on  the  back  with  their  lefts,  and  joining 
in  the  general  laugh. 

JBemis,  coming  forward,  jovially:  "Well,  now, 
I  gladly  forgive  you  both — or  whoever  did  rob  me 
— if  you'll  only  give  me  back  my  watch." 

Willis:  "./haven't  got  your  watch." 

Lawton:  "Nor  I." 

Roberts,  rather  faintly,  and  coming  reluctantly 
forward:  "I — I  have  it,  Mr.  Bemis."  He  pro- 
duces it  from  one  waistcoat-pocket  and  hands  it 
to  Bemis.  Then,  visiting  the  other:  "And  what's 
worse,  I  have  my  own.  I  don't  know  how  I  can 
ever  explain  it,  or  atone  to  you  for  my  extraordi- 
nary behavior.  Willis  thought  you  might  finally 
see  it  as  a  joke,  and  I've  done  my  best  to  pass  it  off 
lightly—" 

Willis:  "And  you  succeeded.  You  had  all  the 
lightness  of  a  sick  hippopotamus." 

Roberts:  "I'm  afraid  so.  I'll  have  the  chain 
mended,  of  course.  But  when  I  went  out  this 
evening  I  left  my  watch  on  my  dressing-table, 
and  when  you  struck  against  me  in  the  Common  I 


54  THE   GAEEOTERS. 

missed  it,  and  supposed  I  had  been  robbed,  and  I 
ran  after  you  and  took  yours — " 

Willis :  "  Being  a  man  of  the  most  violent  tem- 
per and  the  most  desperate  courage — " 

Roberts:  "But  I  hope,  my  dear  sir,  that  I  didn't 
hurt  you  seriously  ?" 

Eemis:  "Not  at  all  —  not  the  least."  Shaking 
him  cordially  by  both  hands :  "  I'm  all  right.  Mrs. 
Roberts  has  healed  all  my  wounds  with  her  skilful 
needle;  I've  got  on  one  of  your  best  neckties,  and 
this  lace  handkerchief  of  your  wife's,  which  I'm 
going  to  keep  for  a  souvenir  of  the  most  extraordi- 
nary adventure  of  my  life — " 

Lawton :  "  Oh,  it's  an  old  newspaper  story,  Be- 
mis,  I  tell  you." 

Willis :  "  Well,  Aunt  Mary,  I  wish  Agnes  were 
here  now  to  see  Roberts  in  his  character  of  moral 
hero.  He  '  done '  it  with  his  little  hatchet,  but  he 
waited  to  make  sure  that  Bushrod  was  all  right  be- 
fore he  owned  up." 

Mrs.  Itoberts,  appearing :  "  Who,  Willis  ?" 

Willis :  "  A  very  great  and  good  man — George 
Washington." 

Mrs.  JZoberts :  "  I  thought  you  meant  Edward." 

Willis:  "  Well,  I  don't  suppose  there  is  much  dif- 
ference." 

Mrs.  Crashaw:  "The  robber  has  been  caught, 
Agnes." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Caught  ?  Nonsense  !  You  don't 
mean  it  !  How  can  you  trifle  with  such  a  subject  ? 
I  know  you  are  joking  !  Who  is  it  ?" 


THE   GAEEOTEES.  55 

Young  Semis :  "  You  never  could  guess — " 

Mrs.  Bemis :  "  Never  in  the  worl<J  !" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "  I  don't  wish  to.     But  oh,  Mr.  Be- 

mis,  I've  just  come  from  my  own  children,  and  you 

must  be  merciful  to  his  family  !" 

Bemis :  "  For  your  sake,  dear  lady,  I  will." 
Bella,  between  the  portieres :  "  Dinner  is  ready, 

Mrs.  Roberts." 

Mrs.  Roberts,  passing  her  hand  through  Mr.  Be- 

mis's  arm :  "  Oh,  then  you  must  go  in  with  me, 

and  tell  me  all  about  it." 


FIVE    O'CLOCK   TEA. 


FIVE  O'CLOCK  TEA. 


i. 

MRS.  SOMERS;   MR.  WILLIS  CAMPBELL. 

MRS.  AMY  SOMERS,  in  a  lightly  floating  tea  gown 
of  singularly  becoming  texture  and  color,  employs 
the  last  moments  of  expectance  before  the  arrival 
of  her  guests  in  marching  up  and  down  in  front  of 
the  mirror  which  fills  the  space  between  the  long 
windows  of  her  drawing-room,  looking  over  either 
shoulder  for  different  effects  of  the  drifting  and 
eddying  train,  and  advancing  upon  her  image  with 
certain  little  bobs  and  bows,  and  retreating  from  it 
with  a  variety  of  fan  practice  and  elaborated  cour- 
tesies, finally  degenerating  into  burlesque,  and  a  se- 
ries of  grimaces  and  "  mouths  "  made  at  the  respon- 
sive reflex.  In  the  fascination  of  this  amusement 
she  is  first  ignorant,  and  then  aware,  of  the  pres- 
ence of  Mr.  Willis  Campbell,  who  on  the  landing 
space  between  the  drawing-room  and  the  library 
stands,  hat  in  hand,  in  the  pleased  contemplation 
of  Mrs.  Somers's  manoeuvres  and  contortions  as  the 
mirror  reports  them  to  him.  Mrs.  Somers  does  not 
permit  herself  the  slightest  start  on  seeing  him  in 


60 

the  glass,  but  turns  deliberately  away,  having  taken 
time  to  prepare  the  air  of  gratification  and  surprise 
with  which  she  greets  him  at  half  the  length  of  the 
drawing-room. 

Mrs.  Somers,  giving  her  hand  :  "  Why,  Mr.  Camp- 
bell !  How  very  nice  of  you  !  How  long  have  you 
been  prowling  about  there  on  the  landing  ?  So 
stupid  of  them  not  to  have  turned  up  the  gas  !" 

Campbell:  "I  wasn't  much  incommoded.  That 
sort  of  pitch-darkness  is  rather  becoming  to  my 
style  of  beauty,  I  find.  The  only  objection  was 
that  I  couldn't  see  you." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Do  you  often  make  those  pretty 
speeches  ?" 

Campbell:  "When  I  can  found  them  on  fact." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  What  can  I  say  back  ?  Oh  ! 
That  I'm  sorry  I  couldn't  have  met  you  when  you 
were  looking  your  best." 

Campbell :  "  Urn !  Do  you  think  you  could  have 
borne  it  ?  We  might  go  out  there." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  On  second  thoughts,  no.  I  shall 
ring  to  have  them  turn  up  the  gas." 

Campbell:  "  No ;  let  me."  He  prevents  her  ring- 
ing, and  going  out  into  the  space  between  the  li- 
brary and  drawing-room,  stands  with  his  hand  on 
the  key  of  the  gas-burner.  "  Now  how  do  I  look  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Beautiful." 

Campbell,  turning  up  the  gas  :  "And  now  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Not  half  so  well.  Decidedly 
pitch-darkness  is  becoming  to  you.  Better  turn  it 
down  again." 


61 

Campbell,  rejoining  her  in  the  drawing  -  room  : 
"  No  ;  it  isn't  so  becoming  to  you  ;  ^and  I'm  not 
envious,  whatever  I  am." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "You  are  generosity  itself." 

Campbell:  "  If  you  come  to  phrases,  I  prefer  mag- 
nanimity." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Well,  say  magnanimity.  Won't 
you  sit  down — while  you  have  the  opportunity  ?" 
She  sinks  upon  the  sofa,  and  indicates  with  her  fan 
an  easy-chair  at  one  end  of  it. 

Campbell,  dropping  into  it :  "  Are  there  going  to 
be  so  many  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "You  never  can  tell  about  five 
o'clock  tea.  There  mayn't  be  more  than  half  a 
dozen;  there  may  be  thirty  or  forty.  But  I  wished 
to  affect  your  imagination." 

Campbell :  "  You  had  better  have  tried  it  in  some 
other  kind  of  weather.  It's  snowing  like — " 

Mrs.  Somers,  running  to  the  window,  and  peep- 
ing out  through  the  side  of  the  curtain  :  "  It  is ! 
like — cats  and  dogs  !" 

Campbell :  "  Oh  no  !  You  can't  say  that.  It 
only  rains  that  way.  I  was  going  to  say  it  myself, 
but  I  stopped  in  time." 

Mrs.  Somers,  standing  before  the  window  with 
clasped  hands  :  "  No  matter  !  There  will  simply 
be  nobody  but  bores.  They  come  in  any  sort  of 
weather." 

Campbell :  "  Thank  you,  Mrs.  Somers.  I'm  glad 
I  ventured  out." 

Mrs.  /Somers,  turning  about:   "What?"     Then 


62  FIVE 

realizing  the  situation :  "  Oh,  poor  Mr.  Camp- 
bell 1" 

Campbell:  "Oh,  don't  mind  me!  I  can  stand  it 
if  you  can.  I  belong  to  a  sex,  thank  you,  that 
doesn't  pretend  to  have  any  tact.  I  would  just  as 
soon  tell  a  man  he  was  a  bore  as  not.  But  I  thought 
it  might  worry  a  lady,  perhaps." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Worry  ?  I'm  simply  aghast  at 
it.  Did  you  ever  hear  of  anything  worse  ?" 

Campbell:  "Well,  not  much  worse." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  What  can  I  do  to  make  you  for- 
get it  ?" 

Campbell:  "  I  can't  think  of  anything.  It  seems 
to  me  that  I  shall  always  remember  it  as  the  most 
fortunate  speech  a  lady  ever  made  to  me — and  they 
have  said  some  flattering  things  to  me  in  my  time." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Oh,  don't  be  entirely  heartless. 
Wouldn't  a  cup  of  tea  blot  it  out  ?  With  a  Peak 
&  Frean  ?"  She  advances  beseechingly  upon  him. 
"  Come,  I  will  give  you  a  cup  at  once." 

Campbell :  "  No,  thank  you  ;  I  would  rather  have 
it  with  the  rest  of  the  bores.  They'll  be  sure  to 
come." 

Mrs.  Somers,  resuming  her  seat  on  the  sofa : 
"You  are  implacable.  And  I  thought  you  said 
you  were  generous." 

Campbell:  "  No  ;  merely  magnanimous.  I  can't 
forget  your  cruel  frankness  ;  but  I  know  you  can, 
and  I  ask  you  to  do  it."  He  throws  himself  back 
in  his  chair  with  a  sigh.  "And  who  knows?  Per- 
haps you  were  right." 


FIVE  O'CLOCK  TEA.  63 

Mrs.  Somers:  "About  what?" 

Campbell :  "  My  being  a  bore." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  I  should  think  you  would  know." 

Campbell:  "No;  that's  the  difficulty.  Nobody 
would  be  a  bore  if  he  knew  it." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Oh,  some  would,  I  think." 

Campbell :  "  Do  you  mean  me  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Well,  no,  then.  I  don't  believe 
you  would  be  a  bore,  if  you  knew  it.  Is  that 
enough  ?  or  do  you  expect  me  to  say  something 
more  ?" 

Campbell:  "No;  it's  quite  enough,  thank  you." 
He  remains  pensively  silent. 

Mrs.  Somers,  after  waiting  for  him  to  speak : 
"Bores  for  bores,  don't  you  hate  the  silent  ones 
most  ?" 

Campbell,  desperately  rousing  himself  :  "  Mrs. 
Somers,  if  you  only  knew  how  disagreeable  I  was 
going  to  make  myself  just  before  I  concluded  to 
hold  my  tongue  !" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Really  ?  What  were  you  going 
to  say  ?" 

Campbell:  "  Do  you  actually  wish  to  know  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Oh  no  ;  I  only  thought  you  wish- 
ed to  tell." 

Campbell:  "  Not  at  all.  You  complained  of  my 
being  silent." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Did  I  ?  I  was  wrong.  I  will 
never  do  so  again."  She  laughs  in  her  fan. 

Campbell:  "And  I  complain  of  your  delay.  You 
can  tell  me  now,  just  as  well  as  two  weeks  hence, 


64 

whether  you  love  me  enough  to  marry  me  or 
not." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  You  promised  not  to  recur  to  that 
subject  without  some  hint  from  me.  You  have  bro- 
ken your  promise." 

Campbell:  "Well,  you  wouldn't  give  me  any 
hint." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  How  can  I  believe  you  care  for 
me  if  you  are  false  in  this  ?" 

Campbell :  "  It  seems  to  me  that  my  falsehood  is 
another  proof  of  my  affection." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Very  well,  then  ;  you  can  wait 
till  I  know  my  mind." 

Campbell:  "I'd  rather  know  your  heart.  But 
I'll  wait."  After  a  pause  :  "  Why  do  you  carry  a 
fan  on  a  day  like  this  ?  I  ask,  to  make  general 
conversation." 

Mrs.  Somers,  spreading  the  fan  in  her  lap,  and 
looking  at  it  curiously  :  "  I  don't  know."  After  a 
moment :  "  Oh  yes  ;  for  the  same  reason  that  I 
shall  have  ice-cream  after  dinner  to-day." 

Campbell:  "That's  no  reason  at  all."  After  a 
moment:  "Are  you  going  to  have  ice-cream  to- 
day after  dinner?" 

Mrs.  /Somers :  "  I  might.     If  I  had  company." 

Campbell:  "Oh,  I  couldn't  stay  after  hinting. 
I'm  too  proud  for  that."  He  pulls  his  chair  nearer 
and  joins  her  in  examining  the  fan  in  her  lap. 
"  What  is  so  very  strange  about  your  fan  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Nothing.     I  was  just  seeing  how 


FIVE  O'CLOCK  TEA.  65 

a  fan  looked  that  was  the  subject  of  gratuitous 
criticism."  * 

Campbell:  "I  didn't  criticise  the  fan"  He  re- 
gards it  studiously. 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Oh  !     Not  the  fan  ?" 

Campbell :  "  No  ;  I  think  it's  extremely  pretty. 
I  like  big  fans." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  So  good  of  you !  It's  Spanish. 
That's  why  it's  so  large." 

Campbell:  "It's  hand-painted  too." 

-Mrs.  Somers,  leaning  back,  and  leaving  him  to 
the  inspection  of  the  fan :  "  You're  a  connoisseur, 
Mr.  Campbell." 

Campbell:  "Oh,  I  can  tell  hand-painting  from 
machine-painting  when  I  see  it.  'Tisn't  so  good." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Thank  you." 

Campbell :  "  Not  at  all.  Now,  that  fellow — cav- 
alier, I  suppose,  in  Spain — making  love  in  that  atti- 
tude, you  can  see  at  a  glance  that  he's  hand-paint- 
ed. No  machine-painted  cavalier  would  do  it  in 
that  way.  And  look  at  the  lady's  hand.  Who 
ever  saw  a  hand  of  that  size  before  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers,  unclasping  the  hands  which  she  had 
folded  at  her  waist,  and  putting  one  of  them  out 
to  take  up  the  fan  :  "  You  said  you  were  not  criti- 
cising the  fan." 

Campbell,  quickly  seizing  the  hand,  with  the  fan 
in  it:  "Ah,  I'm  wrong!  Here's  another  one  no 
bigger.  Let  me  see  which  is  the  largest." 

Mrs.  Somers,  struggling  not  very  violently   to 
free  her  hand  :  "  Mr.  Campbell !" 
5 


66  FIVE  O'CLOCK  TEA. 

Campbell :  "  Don't  take  it  away !  You  must  lis- 
ten to  me  now,  Amy." 

Mrs.  /Somers,  rising  abruptly,  and  dropping  her 
fan  as  she  comes  forward  to  meet  an  elderly  gen- 
tleman arriving  from  the  landing  :  "  Mr.  Bemis  ! 
How  very  heroic  of  you  to  come  such  a  day! 
Isn't  it  too  bad  ?" 


II. 

MR.  BEMIS;  MRS.  SOMERS;   MR.  WILLIS  CAMPBELL. 

Bemis :  "  Not  if  it  makes  me  specially  welcome, 
Mrs.  Somers."  Discovering  Campbell :  "  Oh,  Mr. 
Campbell !" 

Campbell,  striving  for  his  self-possession  as  they 
shake  hands  :  "  Yes,  another  hero,  Mr.  Bemis.  Mrs. 
Somers  is  going  to  brevet  everybody  who  comes 
to-day. — She  didn't  say  heroes  to  me,  but — " 

Mrs.  Somers:  "You  shall  have  your  tea  at  once, 
Mr.  Bemis."  She  rings.  "  I  was  making  Mr.  Camp- 
bell wait  for  his.  You  don't  order  up  the  teapot 
for  one  hero." 

Bemis :  "  Ha,  ha,  ha  !  No,  indeed  !  But  I'm 
very  glad  you  do  for  two.  The  fact  is  " — rubbing 
his  hands — "  I'm  half  frozen." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Is  it  so  very  cold  ?"  To  Camp- 
bell, who  presents  her  fan  with  a  bow  :  "  Oh,  thank 
you."  To  Mr.  Bemis  :  "  Mr.  Campbell  has  just 
been  objecting  to  my  fan.  He  doesn't  like  its  be- 
ing hand-painted,  as  he  calls  it." 

Bemis :  "  That  reminds  me  of  a  California  gen- 
tleman whom  I  found  looking  at  an  Andrea  del 
Sarto  in  the  Pitti  Palace  at  Florence  one  day — by- 


68  FIVE  O'CLOCK  TEA. 

the- way,  you've  been  a  Californian  too,  Mr.  Camp- 
bell ;  but  you  won't  mind.  He  seemed  to  be  puz- 
zled over  it,  and  then  he  said  to  me — I  was  standing 
near  him — *  Hand-painted,  I  presume  ?' " 

Mrs.  Somers :  "Ah !  ha,  ha,  ha !  How  very  good !" 
To  the  maid,  who  appears  :  "  The  tea,  Lizzie." 

Campbell:  "You  don't  think  he  was  joking?" 

Bemis,  with  misgiving  :  "  Why,  no,  it  never  oc- 
curred to  me  that  he  was." 

Campbell:  "You  can't  always  tell  when  a  Cali- 
fornian's  joking." 

Mrs.  /Somers,  with  insinuation :  "  Carft  you  ?  Not 
even  adoptive  ones?" 

Campbell:  "  Adoptive  ones  never  joke." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Not  even  about  hand  -  painted 
fans  ?  What  an  interesting  fact !"  She  sits  down 
on  the  sofa  behind  the  little  table  on  which  the 
maid  arranges  the  tea,  and  pours  out  a  cup.  Then, 
with  her  eyes  on  Mr.  Bemis  :  "  Cream  and  sugar 
both  ?  Yes  ?"  Holding  a  cube  of  sugar  in  the 
tongs  :  "  How  many  ?" 

Bemis :  "  One,  please." 

Mrs.  Somers,  handing  it  to  him:  "  I'm  so  glad  you 
take  your  tea  au  naturel,  as  I  call  it." 

Campbell:  "  What  do  you  call  it  when  they  don't 
take  it  with  cream  and  sugar  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "Au  unnaturel.  There's  only  one 
thing  worse  ;  taking  it  with  a  slice  of  lemon  in  it. 
You  might  as  well  draw  it  from  a  bothersome  samo- 
var at  once,  and  be  done  with  it." 

Campbell:  "The  samovar  is  picturesque." 


FIVE  O'CLOCK  TEA.  69 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  It  is  insincere.  Like  Calif  ornians. 
Natives." 

Campbell :  "  Well,  I  can  think  of  something  much 
worse  than  tea  with  lemon  in  it." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  What  ?" 

Campbell :  "No  tea  at  all." 

Mrs.  Somers,  recollecting  herself  :  "  Oh,  poor 
Mr.  Campbell !  Two  lumps  ?" 

Campbell :  "  One,  thank  you.  Your  pity  is  so 
sweet !" 

Mrs.  /Somers :  "  You  ought  to  have  thought  of 
the  milk  of  human  kindness,  and  spared  my  cream- 
jug  too." 

Campbell:  "  You  didn't  pour  out  your  compassion 
soon  enough." 

Bemis,  who  has  been  sipping  his  tea  in  silent 
admiration :  "  Are  you  often  able  to  keep  it  up  in 
that  way  ?  I  was  fancying  myself  at  the  theatre." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Oh,  don't  encore  us  !  Mr.  Camp- 
bell would  keep  saying  his  things  over  indefinitely." 

Campbell,  presenting  his  cup  :  "  Another  lump. 
It's  turned  bitter.  Two  I" 

Bemis :  "  Ha,  ha,  ha !  Very  good — very  good  in- 
deed !" 

Campbell:  "  Thank  you  kindly,  Mr.  Bemis." 

Mrs.  Somers,  greeting  the  new  arrivals,  and  lean- 
ing forward  to  shake  hands  with  them  as  they  come 
up,  without  rising  :  "  Mrs.  Roberts!  How  very  good 
of  you  !  And  Mr.  Roberts  !" 


III. 

MR.  AND  MRS.  ROBERTS  AND  THE  OTHERS. 

Roberts :  "  Not  at  all." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Of  course  we  were  coming." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Will  you  have  some  tea  ?  You 
see  I'm  installed  already.  Mr.  Campbell  was  so 
greedy  he  wouldn't  wait." 

Campbell :  "  Mr.  Bemis  and  I  are  here  in  the  char- 
acter of  heroes,  and  we  had  to  have  our  tea  at  once. 
You're  a  hero  too,  Roberts,  though  you  don't  look 
it.  Any  one  who  comes  to  tea  in  such  weather  is 
a  hero,  or  a — " 

Mrs.  Somers,  interrupting  him  with  a  little  shriek: 
"  Ugh  !  How  hot  that  handle's  getting  !" 

Campbell:  "Ah,  I  dare  say.  Let  me  turn  out  my 
sister's  cup."  Pouring  out  the  tea  and  handing  it 
to  Mrs.  Roberts.  "  I  don't  see  how  you  could  rec- 
oncile it  to  your  No.  Eleven  conscience  to  leave 
your  children  in  such  a  snow-storm  as  this,  Agnes." 

Mrs.  Roberts,  in  vague  alarm :  "  Why,  what  in 
the  world  could  happen  to  them,  Willis  ?" 

Campbell:  "  Oh,  nothing  to  them.  But  suppose 
Roberts  got  snowed  under.  Have  some  tea,  Rob- 
erts ?"  He  offers  to  pour  out  a  cup. 


FIVE  O'CLOCK  TEA.  71 

Mrs.  Somers,  dispossessing  him  of  the  teapot  with 
dignity :  "  Thank  you,  Mr.  Campbell ;  I  will  pour 
out  the  tea." 

Campbell:  "  Oh,  very  well.  I  thought  the  handle 
was  hot." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "It's  cooler  now." 

Campbell:  "And  you  won't  let  me  help  you?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  When  there  are  more  people  you 
may  hand  the  tea." 

Campbell:  "I  wish  I  knew  just  how  much  that 
meant." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Very  little.  As  little  as  an  adopt- 
ive Californian  in  his  most  earnest  mood."  While 
they  talk — Campbell  bending  over  the  teapot,  on 
which  Mrs.  Somers  keeps  her  hand — the  others  form 
a  little  group  apart. 

Bemis,  to  Mrs.  Roberts :  "  I  hope  Mr.  Roberts's 
distinguished  friend  won't  give  us  the  slip  on  ac- 
count of  the  storm." 

Roberts :  "  Oh  no  ;  he'll  be  sure  to  come.  He 
may  be  late.  But  he's  the  most  amiable  of  English- 
men, and  I  know  he  won't  disappoint  Mrs.  Somers." 

Bemis:  "The  most  unamiable  of  Englishmen 
couldn't  do  that." 

Roberts :  "  Ah,  I  don't  know.  Did  you  meet  Mr. 
Pogis  ?" 

Bemis:  "No  ;  what  did  he  do?" 

Roberts :  "  Why,  he  came — to  the  Hibbens's  din- 
ner— in  a  sack  coat." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "I  thought  it  was  a  Cardigan 
jacket." 


72 

Semis:  "I heard  a  Norfolk  jacket  and  knicker- 
bockers." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Ah,  there  is  Mrs.  Curwen  !"  To 
Campbell,  aside  :  "  And  without  her  husband  !" 

Campbell:  "Or  any  one  else's  husband." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  For  shame  !" 

Campbell:  "You  began  it." 

Mrs.  Somers,  to  Mrs.  Curwen,  who  approaches 
her  sofa :  "  You  are  kindness  itself,  Mrs.  Curwen, 
to  come  on  such  a  day."  The  ladies  press  each 
other's  hands. 


IV. 
MRS.  CURWEN  AND  THE  OTHERS. 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "You  are  goodness  in  person,  Mrs. 
Somers,  to  say  so." 

Campbell :  "  And  I  am  magnanimity  embodied. 
Let  me  introduce  myself,  Mrs.  Curwen  !"  He  bows, 
and  Mrs.  Curwen  deeply  courtesies. 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  I  should  never  have  known  you." 

Campbell,  melodramatically,  to  Mrs.  Somers  : 
"  Tea,  ho  !  for  Mrs.  Curwen  —  impenetrably  dis- 
guised as  kindness." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  What  shall  I  say  to  him  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers,  pouring  the  tea:  "Anything  you 
like,  Mrs.  Curwen.  Aren't  we  to  see  Mr.  Curwen 
to-day  ?" 

Mrs.  Curwen,  taking  her  tea :  "  No,  I'm  his  in- 
sufficient apology.  He's  detained  at  his  office — 
business." 

Campbell:  "Then  you  see  they  don't  all  come, 
Mrs.  Somers." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  All  what  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Oh,  all  the— heroes." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  Is  that  what  he  was  going  to 
say,  Mrs.  Somers  ?" 


74  FIVE  O'CLOCK  TEA. 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  You  never  can  tell  what  he's  go- 
ing to  say." 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "I  should  think  you  would  be 
afraid  of  him." 

Mrs.  Somers,  with  a  little  shrug  :  "  Oh  no  ;  he's 
quite  harmless.  It's  just  a  little  way  he  has."  To 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  Miller,  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Alfred  Bemis, 
and  Dr.  Lawton,  who  all  appear  together :  "  Ah, 
how  do  you  do  ?  So  glad  to  see  you  !  So  very 
kind  of  you  !  I  didn't  suppose  you  would  venture 
out.  And  you  too,  Doctor  ?"  She  begins  to  pour 
out  tea  for  them,  one  after  another,  with  great 
zeal. 


V. 

DR.  LAWTON,  MR.  AND  MRS.  MILLER,  YOUNG  MR.  AND 
MRS.  BEMIS,  AND  THE  OTHERS. 

Dr.  Lawton :  "  Yes,  I  too.  It  sounded  very  much 
as  if  I  were  Brutus  also."  He  stirs  his  tea  and 
stares  round  at  the  company.  "  It  seems  to  me  that 
I  have  met  these  conspirators  before.  That's  what 
makes  Boston  insupportable.  You're  always  meet- 
ing the  same  people !" 

Campbell:  "We  all  feel  it  as  keenly  as  you  do, 
Doctor." 

Lawton,  looking  sharply  at  him :  "Oh  !  you  here  ? 
I  might  have  expected  it.  Where  is  your  aunt  ?" 


VI. 

MRS.  CRASHAW  AND  THE  OTHERS. 

Mrs.  Crashaw^  appearing :  "  If  you  mean  me,  Dr. 
Lawton — " 

Lawton :  "  I  do,  my  dear  friend.  What  company 
is  complete  without  you  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers,  reaching  forward  to  take  her  hand, 
while  with  her  disengaged  hand  she  begins  to  pour 
her  a  cup  of  tea  :  "None  in  my  house." 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  Very  pretty."  Taking  her  tea. 
"  I  hope  it  isn't  complete,  either,  without  the  Eng- 
lish painter  you  promised  us." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "No,  indeed  !  And  a  great  many 
other  people  besides.  But  haven't  you  met  him 
yet  ?  I  supposed  Mrs.  Roberts — " 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  Oh,  I  don't  go  to  all  of  Agnes's 
fandangoes.  I  was  to  have  seen  him  at  Mrs.  "Wheel- 
er's— he  is  being  asked  everywhere,  of  course — but 
he  didn't  come.  He  sent  his  father  and  mother  in- 
stead. They  were  very  nice  old  people,  but  they 
hadn't  painted  his  pictures." 

Lawton :  "  They  might  say  his  pictures  would 
never  have  been  painted  without  them." 

Bemis :  "  It  was  like  Heine's  going  to  visit  Rachel 


77 

by  appointment.  She  wasn't  in,  but  her  father  and 
mother  were;  and  when  he  met  her  afterwards  he 
told  her  that  he  had  just  come  from, a  show  where 
he  had  seen  a  curious  monster  advertised  for  exhi- 
bition— the  offspring  of  a  hare  and  a  salmon.  The 
monster  was  not  to  be  seen  at  the  moment,  but  the 
showman  said  here  was  monsieur  the  hare  and  ma- 
dame  the  salmon." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  What  in  the  world  did  Rachel 
say?" 

Lawton:  "Ah,  that's  what  these  brilliant  anec- 
dotes never  tell.  And  I  think  it  would  be  very  in- 
teresting to  know  what  the  victim  of  a  witticism 
has  to  say." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  I  should  think  you  would  know 
very  often,  Doctor." 

Lawton :  "  Ah,  now  I  should  like  to  know  what 
the  victim  of  a  compliment  says  !" 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  He  bows  his  thanks."  Dr.  Law- 
ton  makes  a  profound  obeisance,  to  which  Mrs.  Cur- 
wen responds  in  burlesque. 

Miller :  "  We  all  envy  you,  Doctor." 

Mrs.  Miller:  "  Oh  yes.  Mrs.  Curwen  never  makes 
a  compliment  without  meaning  it." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  I  can't  say  that  quite,  my  dear. 
I  should  be  very  sorry  to  mean  all  the  civil  things 
I  say.  But  I  never  flatter  gentlemen  of  a  certain 
age." 

Mrs.  Miller,  tittering  ineffectively :  "  I  shall  know 
what  to  say  to  Mr.  Miller  after  this." 

Mrs.  Crashaw :  "  Well,  if  you  haven't  got  the 


78 

man,  Mrs.  Somers,  you  have  got  his  picture,  haven't 
you?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Yes;  it's  on  my  writing-desk  in 
the  library.  Let  me — " 

Lawton:  "No, no;  don't  disturb  yourself  !  We 
wish  to  tear  it  to  pieces  without  your  embarrassing 
presence.  Will  you  take  my  arm,  Mrs.  Crashaw  ?" 

Mrs.  JBemis :  "  Oh,  let  us  all  go  and  see  it !" 

Roberts :  "  Aren't  you  coming,  Willis  ?" 

Campbell,  without  looking  round :  "  Thank  you, 
I've  seen  it." 

Mrs.  Somers,  whom  the  withdrawal  of  her  other 
guests  has  left  alone  with  him :  "  How  could  you 
tell  such  a  fib  ?" 

Campbell:  "I  could  tell  much  worse  fibs  than 
that  in  such  a  cause." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  What  cause  ?" 

Campbell:  "A  lost  one,  I'm  afraid.  Will  you 
answer  my  question,  Amy  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Did  you  ask  me  any  ?" 

Campbell :  "  You  know  I  did — before  those  peo- 
ple came  in." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Oh,  that !  Yes.  I  should  like  to 
ask  you  a  question  first." 

Campbell :  "  Twenty,  if  you  like." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Why  do  you  feel  authorized  to 
call  me  by  my  first  name  ?" 

Campbell:  "  Because  I  love  you.  Now  will  you 
answer  me  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers,  dreamily:  "I  didn't  say  I  would, 
did  I  ?" 


FIVE  O'CLOCK  TEA.  81 

Campbell,  rising,  sadly:  "No." 

Mrs.  Somers,  mechanically  taking  the  hand  he 
offers  her :  "  Oh  !  What—" 

Campbell:  "I'm  going;  that's  all." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  So  soon  ?" 

Campbell:  "Yes;  but  I'll  try  to  make  amends  by 
not  coming  back  soon — or  at  all." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  You  mustn't." 

Campbell:  " Mustn't  what  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  You  mustn't  keep  my  hand.  Here 
come  some  more  people.  Ah,  Mrs.  Canfield!  Miss 
Bayly  !  So  very  nice  of  you,  Mrs.  Wharton  !  Will 
you  have  some  tea  ?" 


VII. 

MRS.  CAMPBELL,  MISS  BAYLY,  MRS.  WHARTON,  AND 
THE  OTHERS. 

Mrs.  Wharton:  "  No,  thank  you.  The  only  ob- 
jection to  afternoon  tea  is  the  tea." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  I'm  so  glad  you  don't  mind  the 
weather."  With  her  hand  on  the  teapot,  glancing 
up  at  Miss  Bayly:  "And  do  you  refuse  too  ?" 

Miss  Bayly :  "  I  can  answer  for  Mrs.  Canfield 
that  she  doesn't,  and  I  never  do.  We  object  to  the 
weather." 

Mrs.  Somers,  pouring  a  cup  of  tea  :  "  That  makes 
it  a  little  more  difficult.  I  can  keep  from  offer- 
ing Mrs.  Wharton  some  tea,  but  I  can't  stop  its 
snowing." 

Miss  Bayly,  taking  her  cup  :  "  But  you're  so 
amiable ;  we  know  you  would  if  you  could,  and 
that's  quite  enough.  We're  not  the  first  and  only, 
are  we  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "Dear,  no  !  There  are  multitudes 
of  flattering  spirits  in  the  library,  stopping  the 
mouth  of  my  portrait  with  pretty  speeches." 

Miss  Bayly )  vividly :  "  Not  your  Bramford  por- 
trait?" 


FIVE  O'CLOCK  TEA.  85 


Mrs.  Somers:  "My  Bramford portrait." 
Miss  Bayly ,  to  the  other  ladies  :  "  Oh,  let  us  go 
and  see  it  too  !"     They  flutter  out  of  .the  drawing- 
room,  where   Mrs.  Somers  and   Campbell    remain 
alone   together   as   before.     He  continues  silent, 
while  she  waits  for  him  to  speak. 
6 


VIII. 

MRS.  SOMERS;   MR.  CAMPBELL. 

Mrs.  Somers,  finally:  "Well?" 
Campbell:  "Well,  what?" 

Mrs.  /Somers :  "  Nothing.  Only  I  thought  you 
were — you  were  going  to — " 

Campbell:  "  No  ;  I've  got  nothing  to  say." 
Mrs.  /Somers:   "I  didn't  mean  that.     I  thought 
you  were  going  to — go."     She  puts  up  her  hand 
and  hides  a  triumphant  little  smile  with  it. 

Campbell :  "  Very  well,  then,  I'll  go,  since  you 
wish  it."  He  holds  out  his  hand. 

Mrs.  Somers,  putting  hers  behind  her :  "  You've 
shaken  hands  once.  Besides,  who  said  I  wished 
you  to  go  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Do  you  wish  me  to  stay  ?" 
Mrs.  /Somers :  "  I  wish  you  to — hand  tea  to  peo- 
ple." 

Campbell:  "And  you  won't  say  anything  more  ?" 
Mrs.  Somers :  "  It  seems  to  me  that's  enough." 
Campbell:  "  It  isn't  enough  for  me.     But  I  sup- 
pose beggars  mustn't  be  choosers.     I  can't  stay 
merely  to  hand  tea  to  people,  however.     You  can 
say  yes  or  no  now,  Amy,  as  well  as  any  other  time." 


FIVE  O'CLOCK  TEA.  87 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Well,  no,  then — if  you  wish  it  so 
much." 

Campbell:  "You  know  I  don't  wish  it." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "You  gave  me  my  choice.  I 
thought  you  were  indifferent  about  the  word." 

Campbell:  "You  know  better  than  that,  Amy." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Amy  again  !  Aren't  you  a  little 
previous,  Mr.  Campbell  ?" 

Campbell,  with  a  sigh :  "  Ah,  that's  for  you  to 
say." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Wouldn't  it  be  impolite  ?" 

Campbell:  "  Oh,  not  for  you." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "If  you're  so  sarcastic,  I  shall  be 
afraid  of  you." 

Campbell :  "  Under  what  circumstances  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers,  dropping  her  eyes:  "  I  don't  know." 
He  makes  a  rush  upon  her.  "  Oh  !  here  comes  Mrs. 
Curwen  !  Shake  hands,  as  if  you  were  going." 


IX. 

MRS.  CURWEN;   MRS.  SOMERS;   MR.  CAMPBELL. 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  What !  is  Mr.  Campbell  going 
too?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Too  ?  You're  not  going,  Mrs. 
Curwen  ?" 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  Yes,  I'm  going.  The  likeness  is 
perfect,  Mrs.  Somers.  It's  a  speaking  likeness,  if 
there  ever  was  one." 

Campbell:  "  Did  it  do  all  the  talking  ?" 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "It  would — if  Mrs.  Roberts  and 
Dr.  Lawton  hadn't  been  there.  Well,  I  must  go." 

Campbell:  "So  must  I." 

Mrs.  Somers,  in  surprise  :  "  Must  you  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Yes  ;  these  drifts  will  be  over  my 
ears  directly." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  You  poor  man  !  You  don't  mean 
to  say  you're  walking  ?" 

Campbell :  "  I  shall  be,  in  about  half  a  minute." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  Indeed  you  shall  not  !  You 
shall  be  driving — with  me.  I've  a  vacancy  in  the 
coupe,  and  I'll  set  you  down  wherever  you  like." 

Campbell :  "  Won't  it  crowd  you  ?" 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  Not  at  all." 


89 

Campbell:  "  Or  incommode  you  in  any  way?" 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "It  will  oblige  me  in  every 
way." 

Campbell:  "Then  I  will  go,  and  a  thousand 
thanks.  Good-by  again,  Mrs.  Somers." 

Mrs.  Curwen  :  "  Good  -  by,  Mrs.  Somers.  Poor 
Mrs.  Somers  !  It  seems  too  bad  to  leave  you  here 
alone,  bowed  in  an  elegiac  attitude  over  your  tea- 
urn." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Oh,  not  at  all !  Remember  me 
to  Mr.  Curwen." 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "  I  will.    Well,  Mr.  Campbell-—" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Mr.  Campbell—" 

Campbell:  "Well?" 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  To  which  ?" 

Campbell:  "Both." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Neither  !" 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  Ah  !  ha,  ha,  ha !  Mr.  Campbell, 
do  you  know  much  about  women  ?" 

Campbell:  "  I  had  a  mother." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  Oh,  a  mother  won't  do." 

Campbell :  "  Well,  I  have  an  only  sister  who  is  a 
woman." 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "A  sister  won't  do,  either  —  not 
your  own.  You  can't  learn  a  woman's  meaning  in 
that  way." 

Campbell :  "  I  will  sit  at  your  feet,  Mrs.  Curwen, 
if  you'll  instruct  me." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  I  shall  be  delighted.  I'll  begin 
now.  Oh,  you  needn't  really  prostrate  yourself  !" 
She  stops  him  in  a  burlesque  attempt  to  do  so. 


90  FIVE  O'CLOCK  TEA. 

"And  I'll  concentrate  the  wisdom  of  the  whole 
first  lesson  in  a  single  word." 

Campbell,  with  clasped  hands  of  entreaty:  "  Speak, 
blessed  ghost!" 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "Stay  !  Ah  !  ha,  ha,  ha  !"  She 
flies  at  Mrs.  Somers  and  kisses  her.  "  You  can't  say 
I'm  ill-natured,  my  dear,  whatever  I  am  !" 

Mrs.  Somers,  pursuing  her  exit  with  the  word : 
"No,  merely  atrocious."  A  pause  ensues,  in  which 
Campbell  stands  irresolute. 


X. 

MRS.  SOMERS;  MR.  CAMPBELL. 

Campbell,  finally  :  "  Did  you  wish  me  to  stay, 
Amy?" 

Mrs.  Somers,  airily  :  "  I  ?  Oh  no  !  It  was  Mrs. 
Curwen." 

Campbell:  "  Then  I  think  I'll  accept  her  kind  of- 
fer of  a  seat  in  her  coup6." 

Mrs.  Comers :  "  Oh  !  I  thought,  of  course,  you'd 
stay — at  her  request." 

Campbell:  "No;  I  shall  only  stay  at  yours." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  And  I  shall  not  ask  you.  In  fact, 
I  warn  you  not  to." 

Campbell:  "Why?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Because,  if  you  urge  me  to  speak 
now,  I  shall  say — " 

Campbell:  "I  wasn't  going  to  urge  you." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  No  matter  !  I  shall  say  it  now 
without  being  urged.  Yes,  I've  made  up  my  mind. 
I  can't  marry  a  flirt." 

Campbell:  "I  can,  Amy." 

Mrs.. Somers:  "Sir!" 

Campbell:  "You  know  very  well  you  sent  those 
people  into  the  other  room  to  keep  me  here  and  tor- 
ment me — " 


92  FIVE  O'CLOCK  TEA. 

Mrs.  Somers :  "Now  you've  insulted  me,  and  all 
is  over." 

Campbell:  — "To  tantalize  me  with  your  love- 
liness, your  beauty,  your  grace,  Amy  !" 

Mrs.  Somers,  softening  :  "  Oh,  that's  all  very 
well—" 

Campbell:  "I'm  glad  you  like  it.  I  could  go  on 
at  much  greater  length.  But  you  know  I  love  you 
dearly,  Amy,  and  why  should  you  delight  in  my 
agonies  ?  But  only  marry  me,  and  you  shall  delight 
in  them  as  long  as  you  live,  and — " 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  You  must  hold  me  very  cheap  to 
think  I  would  take  you  from  that  creature." 

Campbell:  "  Confound  her!  I  wasn't  hers  to  give. 
I  offered  myself  first." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "She  offered  you  last,  and — no, 
thank  you,  please." 

Campbell:  "Do  you  really  mean  it?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "I  shall  not  say.  Or,  yes,  I  will 
say.  If  that  woman,  who  seems  to  have  you  at  her 
beck  and  call,  had  not  intermeddled,  I  might  have 
made  you  a  very  different  answer.  But  now  my 
eyes  are  opened,  and  I  see  what  I  should  have  to 
expect,  and — no,  thank  you,  please." 

Campbell:  "And  if  she  hadn't  offered  me — " 

Mrs.  Somers,  drawing  out  her  handkerchief  and 
putting  it  to  her  eyes  :  "  I  was  feeling  kindly  tow- 
ards you — I  was  such  a  little  fool — " 

Campbell:  "Amy!" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  And  you  knew  how  much  I  dis- 
liked her." 


93 

Campbell:  "Yes,  I  saw  by  the  way  you  kissed 
each  other." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Nonsense !  You  knew  that  meant 
nothing.  But  if  it  had  been  anybody  else  in  the 
world  but  her,  I  shouldn't  have  minded  it.  And 
now — " 

Campbell:  "Now— " 

Mrs.  Somers:  — "Now  all  those  geese  are  com- 
ing back  from  the  other  room,  and  they'll  see  that 
I've  been  crying,  and  everybody  will  know  every- 
thing. Willis—" 

Campbell:  "Willis?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Let  me  go  !  I  must  bathe  my  eyes! 
You  stay  here  and  receive  them  !  I'll  be  back  at 
once  !"  She  escapes  from  the  arms  stretched  tow- 
ards her,  and  out  of  the  door,  just  before  her  guests 
enter  from  the  library,  and  Campbell  remains  to 
receive  them.  The  ladies,  in  returning,  call  over 
one  another's  heads  and  shoulders. 


XL 

MR.  CAMPBELL  AND  THE  OTHERS. 

Mrs.  -Roberts:  "Amy,  it's  lovely!  But  it  doesn't 
half  do  you  justice." 

Young  Mrs.  JZemis :  "  It's  too  sweet  for  any- 
thing, Mrs.  Somers." 

Mrs.  Crashaio :  "  Why  did  you  let  the  man  put 
you  into  that  ridiculous  seventeenth-century  dress  ? 
Can't  he  paint  a  modern  frock  ?" 

Mrs.  Wharton :  "  But  what  exquisite  coloring, 
Mrs.  Somers!" 

Mrs.  Miller:  "He's  got  just  your  lovely  turn  of 
the  head." 

Miss  Bayly :  "  And  the  way  you  hold  your  fan — 
what  character  he's  thrown  into  it !" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "And  that  fall  of  the  skirt,  Amy; 
that  skirt  is  full  of  character !"  She  discovers  Mr. 
Campbell  behind  the  tea-urn.  He  has  Mrs.  Som- 
ers's  light  wrap  on  his  shoulders,  and  her  fan  in  his 
hand,  and  he  alternately  hides  his  blushes  with  it, 
and  coquettishly  folds  and  pats  his  mouth  in  a  gross 
caricature  of  Mrs.  Somers's  manner.  In  rising  he 
twitches  his  coat  forward  in  a  similar  burlesque  of 
a  lady's  management  of  her  skirt.  "  Why,  where 
is  Amy,  Willis?" 


FIVE  O'CLOCK  TEA.  95 

Campbell:  "  Gone  a  moment.  Some  trouble  about 
— the  hot  water." 

Lawton :  "  Hot  water  that  you've'  been  getting 
into  ?  Ah,  young  man,  look  me  in  the  eye!" 

Campbell:  "Your  glass  one,  Doctor?" 

Young  Mr.  Semis :  "  Why,  my  dear,  has  your 
father  got  a  glass  eye  ?" 

Mrs.  Bemis :  "  Of  course  he  hasn't !  What  an 
idea  !  I  don't  know  what  Mr.  Campbell  means." 

Lawton :  "  I've  no  doubt  he  wishes  I  had  a  glass 
eye — two  of  them,  for  that  matter.  But  that  isn't 
answering  my  question.  Where  is  Mrs.  Somers  ?" 

Campbell:  "  That  was  my  sister's  question,  and  I 
did  answer  it.  Have  some  tea,  ladies  ?  I'm  glad 
you  like  my  portrait,  and  that  you  think  he's  got 
my  lovely  turn  of  the  head,  and  the  way  I  hold  my 
fan,  and  the  character  of  my  skirt;  but  I  agree  with 
you  that  it  isn't  half  as  pretty  as  I  am." 

The  Ladies :  "  Oh,  what  shall  we  do  to  him  ? 
Prescribe  for  us,  Doctor." 

Campbell:  "  No,  no  !  I  want  the  Doctor's  serv- 
ices myself.  I  don't  want  him  to  give  me  his  medi- 
cines. I  want  him  to  give  me  away." 

Lawton :  "  You're  tired  of  giving  yourself  away, 
then  ?" 

Campbell:  "It's  of  no  use.  They  won't  have 
me." 

Lawton:  "Who  won't?" 

Campbell :  "  Oh,  I'll  leave  Mrs.  Somers  to  say." 


XII. 

MRS.  SOMERS  AND  THE  OTHERS. 

Mrs.  Somers,  radiantly  reappearing :  "  Say  what?" 
She  has  hidden  the  traces  of  her  tears  from  every 
one  but  the  ladies  by  a  light  application  of  powder, 
and  she  knows  that  they  all  know  she  has  been  cry- 
ing, and  this  makes  her  a  little  more  smiling.  "  Say 
what  ?"  She  addresses  the  company  in  general 
rather  than  Campbell. 

Campbell,  with  caricatured  tenderness  :  "  Say 
yes." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  What  does  he  mean,  Doctor  ?" 

Lawton  :  "  Oh,  I'm  afraid  he's  past  all  surgery. 
I  give  him  over  to  you,  Mrs.  Somers." 

Campbell :  "  There,  now.  She  wasn't  the  last  to 
do  it  !" 

Mrs.  Somers,  with  the  resolution  of  a  widow : 
"  Well,  I  suppose  there's  nothing  else  for  it,  then. 
I'll  see  what  can  be  done  for  your  patient,  Doctor." 
She  passes  her  hand  through  Campbell's  arm,  where 
he  continues  to  stand  behind  the  tea-table. 

Mrs.  Roberts,  falling  upon  her  and  kissing  her  : 
"Amy,  you  don't  mean  it  !" 

Mrs.  Bemis,  embracing  her  in  turn  :  "  I  never 
can  believe  it." 


FIVE  O'CLOCK  TEA.  97 

Mrs.  Crashaw  :  "  It  is  ridiculous  !  "What,  "Wil- 
lis ?" 

Mrs.  Miller :  "  It  does  seem  too  nice  to  be  true." 

Bemis :  "  You  astonish  us  !" 

Roberts :  "We  never  should  have  dreamed  of  it." 

Young  Mr.  Bemis :  "  You  must  give  us  time  to 
realize  it." 

Mrs.  Wharton  :  "  Is  it  possible  ?" 

Miss  Bayly :  "Is  it  possible?"  They  all  shake 
hands  with  Mrs.  Somers  in  turn. 

^Roberts :  "  Isn't  this  rather  sudden,  Willis  ?" 

Campbell:  "Well,  it  is — for  Mrs.  Somers,  per- 
haps. But  I've  found  it  awfully  gradual." 

Mrs.  Somers :  ft  Nonsense  !  It's  an  old  story  for 
both  of  us." 

Campbell:  "Well, what  I  like  about  it  is,  it's  true. 
Founded  on  fact !" 

Mrs.  JRoberts :  "  I  can't  believe  it  !" 

Campbell :  "  Well,  I  don't  know  whom  all  this 
charming  incredulity's  intended  to  flatter,  but  if 
it's  I,  I  say  no,  not  really,  at  all !  It's  merely  a 
little  coup  de  theatre  we've  been  arranging." 

Lawton,  patting  him  on  the  shoulder :  "  One 
ahead,  as  usual." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Oh,  thank  you,  Doctor  !  There 
are  two  of  us  ahead  now." 

Lawton :  " I  believe  you,  at  any  rate.  Bravo  !" 
He  initiates  an  applause  in  which  all  the  rest  join, 
while  Campbell  catches  up  Mrs.  Somers's  fan  and 
unfurls  it  before  both  their  faces. 


THE    MOUSE-TRAP, 


THE  MOUSE-TRAP. 


i. 

MRS.  SOMERS ;  MR.  CAMPBELL. 

IN  her  drawing-room,  Mrs.  Amy  Somers,  young, 
pretty,  stylish,  in  the  last  evanescent  traces  of  wid- 
owhood, stands  confronting  Mr.  Willis  Campbell. 
She  has  a  newspaper  in  her  hand,  folded  to  the 
width  of  a  single  column,  which  she  extends  tow- 
ards him  with  an  effect  of  indignant  menace. 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Then  you  acknowledge  that  it  is 
yours  ?" 

Campbell:  "  I  acknowledge  that  I  made  a  speech 
before  the  legislative  committee  on  behalf  of  the 
anti-suffragists.  You  knew  I  was  going  to  do  that. 
I  don't  know  how  they've  reported  it." 

Mrs.  Somers,  with  severity :  "  Very  well,  then  ; 
I  will  read  it.  *  Willis  Campbell,  Esq.,  was  next 
heard  on  behalf  of  the  petitioners.  He  touched 
briefly  upon  the  fact  that  the  suffrage  was  evi- 
dently not  desired  by  the  vast  majority  of  edu- 
cated women.' " 
7 


102  THE    MOUSE-TRAP. 

Campbell:  "  You've  always  said  they  didn't  want 
it." 

Mrs.  Soniers  :  "  That  is  not  the  point."  Read- 
ing :  "'And  many  of  them  would  feel  it  an  oner, 
ous  burden,  and  not  a  privilege.'  " 

Campbell:  "  Well,  didn't  you— " 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Don't  interrupt !"  Reading  : 
" '  Which  would  compel  them,  at  the  cost  of  seri- 
ous sacrifices,  to  contend  at  the  polls  with  the  ig- 
norant classes  who  would  be  sure  to  exercise  the 
right  if  conferred.' " 

Campbell :  "  That  was  your  own  argument,  Amy. 
They're  almost  your  own  words." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "That  isn't  what  I  object  to." 
Reading  :  "  t  Mr.  Campbell  then  referred  in  a  more 
humorous  strain  to  the  argument,  frequently  used 
by  the  suffragists,  that  every  tax-payer  should  have 
the  right  to  vote.  He  said  that  he  objected  to  this, 
because  it  implied  that  non-tax-payers  should  not 
have  the  right  to  vote,  which  would  deprive  of  the 
suffrage  a  large  body  of  adoptive  citizens,  who 
voted  at  all  the  elections  with  great  promptness 
and  assiduity.  He  thought  the  exemption  of  wom- 
en from  some  duties  required  of  men  by  the  State 
fairly  offset  the  loss  of  the  ballot  in  their  case,  and 
that  until  we  were  prepared  to  send  ladies  to  battle 
we  ought  not  to  oblige  them  to  go  to  the  polls. 
Some  skirmishing  ensued  between  Mr.  Campbell 
and  Mr.  Willington,  on  the  part  of  the  suffragists, 
the  latter  gentleman  affirming  that  in  great  crises 
of  the  world's  history  women  had  shown  as  much 


THE   MOUSE-TRAP.  103 

courage  as  men,  and  the  former  contending  that 
this  did  not  at  all  affect  his  position,  since  the 
courage  of  women  was  in  high  degree  a  moral 
courage,  which  was  not  evoked  by  the  ordinary 
conditions  of  peace  or  war,  but  required  the  im- 
minence of  some  extraordinary,  some  vital  emer- 
gency.' " 

Campbell:  "Well,  what  do  you  object  to  in  all 
that  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers,  tossing  the  paper  on  the  table,  and 
confronting  him  with  her  head  lifted  and  her  hands 
clasped  upon  her  left  side  :  "Everything  !  It  is  an 
insult  to  women." 

Campbell:  "Woman,  you  mean.  I  don't  think 
women  would  mind  it.  Who's  been  talking  to  you, 
Amy  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Nobody.  It  doesn't  matter  who's 
been  talking  to  me.  That  is  not  the  question." 

Campbell:  "It's  the  question  I  asked." 

Mrs.  /Somers :  "  It  isn't  the  question  I  asked.  I 
wish  simply  to  know  what  you  mean  by  that 
speech." 

Campbell:  "I  wish  you  knew  how  pretty  you 
look  in  that  dress."  Mrs.  Somers  involuntarily 
glances  down  at  the  skirt  of  it  on  either  side,  and 
rearranges  it  a  little,  folding  her  hands  again  as 
before.  "  But  perhaps  you  do." 

Mrs.  Somers,  with  dignity :  "  Will  you  answer 
my  question  ?" 

Campbell:  "Certainly.     I  meant  what  I  said." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Oh,  you  did  !    Very  well,  then  ! 


104  THE    MOUSE-TRAP. 

When  a  woman  stands  by  the  bedside  of  her  sick 
child,  and  risks  her  life  from  contagion,  what  kind 
of  courage  do  you  call  that  ?" 

Campbell:  "Moral." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "And  when  she  remains  in  a  burn- 
ing building  or  a  sinking  ship — as  they  often  do — 
and  perishes,  while  her  child  is  saved,  what  kind  of 
courage  is  it  ?" 

Campbell:  "Moral." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  When  she  seizes  an  axe  and  de- 
fends her  little  ones  against  a  bear  or  a  wolf  that's 
just  bursting  in  the  cabin  door,  what  kind  of  cour- 
age does  she  show  ?" 

Campbell:  "Moral." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Or  when  her  babe  crawls  up  the 
track,  and  she  snatches  it  from  the  very  jaws  of  the 
cow-catcher — " 

Campbell:  "  Oh,  hold  on,  now,  Amy  !  Be  fair  ! 
It's  the  engineer  who  does  that :  he  runs  along  the 
side  of  the  locomotive,  and  catches  the  smiling  in- 
fant up,  and  lays  it  in  the  mother's  arms  as  the 
train  thunders  by.  His  name  is  usually  Hank  Rol- 
lins. The  mother  is  always  paralyzed  with  terror." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Of  course  she  is.  But  in  those 
other  cases  how  does  her  courage  differ  from  a 
man's  ?  If  hers  is  always  moral,  what  kind  of  cour- 
age does  a  man  show  when  he  faces  the  cannon  ?" 

Campbell:  "Immoral.  Come,  Amy,  are  you  try- 
ing to  prove  that  women  are  braver  than  men  ? 
Well,  they  are.  I  never  was  in  any  danger  yet  that 
I  didn't  wish  I  was  a  woman,  for  then  I  should 


THE    MOUSE-TRAP.  105 

have  the  courage  to  face  it,  or  else  I  could  turn 
and  run  without  disgrace.  All  that  I  said  in  that 
speech  was  that  women  haven't  so  "much  nerve  as 
men." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  They  have  more." 

Campbell :  "  Nerves — yes." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  No,  nerve.  Take  Dr.  Cissy  Gay, 
that  little,  slender,  delicate,  sensitive  thing  :  what 
do  you  suppose  she  went  through  when  she  was 
studying  medicine,  and  walking  the  hospitals,  and 
all  those  disgusting  things  ?  And  Mrs.  J.  Plunkett 
Harmon  :  do  you  mean  to  say  that  she  has  no  nerve, 
facing  all  sorts  of  audiences,  on  the  platform,  every- 
where ?  Or  Rev.  Lily  Barber,  living  down  all  that 
ridicule,  and  going  quietly  on  in  her  work — " 

Campbell:  "  Oh,  they^ve  been  talking  to  you." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "They  have  not!  And  if  they 
have,  Dr.  Gay  is  as  much  opposed  to  suffrage  as 
you  are." 

Campbell:  "As  If  Aren't  you  opposed  to  it 
too?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Of  course  I  am.  Or  I  was  till 
you  made  that  speech." 

Campbell :  "  It  wasn't  exactly  intended  to  convert 
you." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  It  has  placed  me  in  a  false  posi- 
tion. Everybody  knows,  or  the  same  as  knows, 
that  we're  engaged — " 

Campbell :  "  Well,  Pm  not  ashamed  of  it,  Amy." 

Mrs.  Somers,  severely :  "  No  matter  !  And  now 
it  will  look  as  if  I  had  no  ideas  of  my  own,  and  was 


106  THE    MOUSE-TKAP. 

just  swayed  about  any  way  by  you.  A  woman  is 
despicable  that  joins  with  men  in  ridiculing  women." 

Campbell:  "Who's  been  saying  that?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  No  one.  It  doesn't  matter  who's 
been  saying  it.  Mrs.  Mervane  has  been  saying  it." 

Campbell :  "  Mrs.  Mervane  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Yes,  Mrs.  Mervane,  that  you're 
always  praising  and  admiring  so  for  her  good  sense 
and  her  right  ideas.  Didn't  you  say  she  wrote  as 
logically  and  forcibly  as  a  man  ?" 

Campbell:  "Yes,  I  did." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Very  well,  then,  she  says  that  if 
anything  could  turn  her  in  favor  of  suffrage,  it  is 
that  speech  of  yours.  She  says  it's  a  subtle  attack 
upon  the  whole  sex." 

Campbell:  "  Well,  I  give  it  up  !  You  are  all  alike. 
You  take  everything  personally,  in  the  first  place, 
and  then  you  say  it's  an  attack  on  all  women. 
Couldn't  I  make  this  right  by  publishing  a  card  to 
acknowledge  your  physical  courage  before  the 
whole  community,  Amy  ?  Then  your  friends  would 
have  to  say  that  I  had  recognized  the  pluck  of  uni- 
versal womanhood." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  ISTo,  sir  ;  you  can't  make  it  right 
now.  And  I'm  sorry,  sorry,  sorry  I  signed  the  anti- 
suffrage  petition.  Nothing  will  ever  teach  men  to 
appreciate  women  till  women  practically  assert 
themselves." 

Campbell:  "That  sounds  very  much  like  another 
quotation,  Amy." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  And  they  must  expect  to  be  treat- 


THE    MOUSE-TRAP.  107 

ed  as  cowards  till  they  show  themselves  heroes. 
And  they  must  first  of  all  have  the  ballot." 

Campbell:  "Oh!" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "Yes.  Then,  and  not  till  then, 
men  will  acknowledge  their  equality  in  all  that  is 
admirable  in  both.  Then  there  will  be  no  more 
puling  insolence  about  moral  courage  and  vital 
emergencies  to  evoke  it." 

Campbell :  "  I  don't  see  the  steps  to  this  conclu- 
sion, but  the  master-mind  of  Mrs.  J.  Plunkett  Har- 
mon reaches  conclusions  at  a  bound." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  It  wasn't  Mrs.  Harmon." 

Campbell:  "Oh,  well,  Rev.  Lily  Barber,  then. 
You  needn't  tell  me  you  originated  that  stuff,  Amy. 
But  I  submit  for  the  present.  Think  it  over,  my 
dear,  and  when  I  come  back  to-morrow — " 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Perhaps  you  had  better  riot  come 
back  to-morrow." 

Campbell:  "Why?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Because — because  I'm  afraid  we 
are  not  in  sympathy.  Because  if  you  thought  that 
I  needed  some  vital  emergency  to  make  me  show 
that  I  was  ready  to  die  for  you  any  moment — " 

Campbell:  "Die  for  me  ?  I  want  you  to  live  for 
me,  Amy." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  — and  the  emergency  never  came, 
you  would  despise  me." 

Campbell:  "Never!" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  If  you  have  such  a  low  opinion 
of  women  generally — " 

Campbell:  "la,  low  opinion  of  women  !" 


108  THE    MOUSE-TRAP. 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  You  said  they  were  cowards." 

Campbell:  "  I  didn't  say  they  were  cowards.  And 
if  I  seemed  to  say  so,  it  was  my  misfortune.  I  hon- 
estly and  truly  think,  Amy,  that  when  a  woman  is 
roused,  she  isn't  afraid  of  anything  in  heaven  or 
on — "  He  stops  abruptly,  and  looks  towards  the 
corner  of  the  room. 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  What  is  it  ?" 

Campbell:  "Oh,  nothing.  I  thought  I  saw  a 
mouse." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "A  mouse!"  She  flings  herself 
upon  him,  and  clutches  him  with  convulsive  ener- 
gy. Then  suddenly  freeing  him,  she  leaps  upon  a 
chair,  and  stoops  over  to  hold  her  train  from  the 
floor.  "  Oh,  drive  it  out,  drive  it  out!  Don't  kill 
it.  Oh — e-e-e-e  !  Drive  it  out !  Oh,  what  shall  I 
do  ?  Oh,  Willis,  love,  jump  on  a  chair  !  Oh,  hor- 
rid little  dreadful  reptile  !  Oh,  drive  it  out !"  In 
uttering  these  appeals  Mrs.  Somers  alternately 
looses  her  hold  upon  her  train  in  order  to  clasp 
her  face  in  her  hands,  and  then  uncovers  her  face 
to  seize  her  train.  "  Oh,  is  it  gone  f  Come  here, 
Willis,  and  let  me  hold  your  hand !  Or  no  !  Drive 
it,  drive  it,  drive  it  out !" 

Campbell,  going  about  the  room  in  deliberate  ex- 
amination: "I can't  find  it.  I  guess  it's  gone  into 
its  hole  again." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  No,  it  hasn't !  It  hasn't  got  any 
hole  here.  It  must  have  come  in  from  somewhere 
else.  Oh,  I  hope  I  shall  have  a  little  wisdom  some 
time,  and  never,  never,  never  have  cake  and  wine 


THE    MOUSE-TBAP.  109 

brought  into  the  drawing-room  again,  no  matter 
how  faint  with  walking  any  one  is.  Of  course  it 
was  the  smell  of  the  fruit  and  crumbs  attracted  it ; 
and  they  might  just  as  well  take  the  horse -cars, 
but  they  said  they  had  walked  all  the  way  to  get 
me  to  sign  the  suffrage  petition,  and  when  I  said 
I'd  signed  the  anti-suffrage,  of  course  I  had  to  offer 
them  something  ;  I  couldn't  do  less.  Have  you 
driven  it  out  ?" 

Campbell:  "I've  done  my  best.  But  I  can't  find 
it,  and  I  can't  drive  it  out  till  I  do  find  it." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  It's  run  into  the  fireplace.  Rat- 
tle the  tongs  !"  Campbell  goes  to  the  fireplace  and 
rattles  the  tongs  against  the  shovel,  Mrs.  Somers 
meanwhile  covering  her  face.  "  Ow — ugh — e-e-e-e  ! 
Is  it  gone  ?"  She  uncovers  her  eyes. 

Campbell:  "  It  never  was  there." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Yes,  it  was,  Willis.  Don't  tell 
me  it  wasn't !  Where  else  was  it  if  it  wasn't 
there  ?  Look  under  that  book-table  !" 

Campbell:  "Which  one?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  That  one  with  the  shelf  coming 
down  almost  to  the  carpet.  Poke  under  it  with 
the  poker  !"  As  Campbell  obeys,  she  again  hides 
her  face.  "  U-u-u-gh  !  Is  it  gone  now  ?" 

Campbell:  "It  wasn't  there." 

Mrs.  /Somers :  "  Poke  hard  !  Bang  against  the 
mop-board  !  Bang  !" 

Campbell,  poking  and  banging :  "  There  !  I  tell 
you  it  never  was  there." 

Mrs.  Somers,  uncovering  her  face :  "  Oh,  what 


110  THE    MOUSE-TRAP. 

shall  I  do?  It  must  be  somewhere  in  the  room, 
and  I  never  can  breathe  till  you've  found  it.  Bang 
again  !" 

Campbell:  "Nonsense!  It's  gone  long  ago.  Do 
you  suppose  a  mouse  of  any  presence  of  mind  or 
self-respect  would  stay  here  after  all  this  uproar  ?" 
He  restores  the  tongs  to  their  stand  with  a  clash. 

Mrs.  Somers,  responsive  to  the  clash  :  "  Ow !" 

Campbell,  advancing  towards  her  and  extending 
his  hand  :  "  Come,  Amy  ;  get  down  now.  I  must 
be  going." 

Mrs.  Somers,  in  horror :  "  Get  down  ?    Going  ?" 

Campbell:  "  Certainly.  I  can't  stay  here  all  day. 
I've  got  to  follow  that  mouse  out  into  the  street 
and  have  him  arrested.  It's  a  public  duty." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Don't  throw  ridicule  on  it !"  Af- 
ter a  moment :  "  You  know  I  can't  let  you  go  till 
I've  seen  that  mouse  leave  this  room.  Go  all  round, 
and  stamp  in  the  corners."  She  covers  her  face 
again.  "  Ugh  I" 

Campbell:  "  How  are  you  going  to  see  him  leave 
the  room  if  you  won't  look  ?  He's  left  long  ago. 
I  wouldn't  stay  if  I  was  a  mouse.  And  I've  got  to 
go,  anyway." 

Mrs.  Somers,  uncovering  her  face :  "  No  !  I  beg, 
I  command  you  to  stay,  or  I  shall  never  get  out  of 
this  room  alive.  You  know  I  sha'n't."  A  ring  at 
the  street  door  is  heard.  "  Oh  dear,  what  shall  I 
do?  I've  told  Jane  I  would  see  anybody  that 
called,  and  now  I  daren't  step  my  foot  to  the  floor  ! 
What  shall  I  do  ?" 


THE   MOUSE-TRAP.  Ill 

Campbell,  with  authority:  "You  must  get  down. 
There's  no  mouse  here,  I  tell  you  ;  and  if  people 
come  and  find  you  standing  on  a  chair  in  your 
drawing-room,  what  will  they  think  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  I  can  kneel  on  it."  She  drops  to 
her  knees  on  the  chair.  "  There  !" 

Campbell:  "  That's  no  better.     It's  worse." 

Mrs.  /Somers,  listening  to  the  party  at  the  door 
below,  which  the  maid  has  opened :  "  'Sh  !  I  want 
to  make  out  who  it  is.  'Sh  !  Yes — it  is  !"  After 
listening  :  "  Yes  ;  it's  Mrs.  Miller  and  Lou  Bemia 
and  Mrs.  Curwen  !  I  don't  see  how  they  happen 
to  come  together,  for  Mrs.  Miller  and  Mrs.  Cur- 
wen  perfectly  hate  each  other.  Oh  yes  !  I  know  ! 
They're  all  on  the  way  to  Mrs.  Ransom's  recep 
tion  ;  he's  showing  his  pictures  and  some  of  her 
things  —  horrid  daubs  ;  I  don't  see  how  she  can 
have  the  face — and  they've  met  here  by  accident. 
'Sh  !  She's  showing  them  into  the  reception-room. 
Yes,  that's  quite  right."  Mrs.  Somers  delivers  these 
sentences  in  a  piercing  whisper  of  extreme  volubil- 
ity. "  Now,  as  soon  as  she  brings  up  their  cards, 
I'll  say  I'm  not  at  all  well — that  I'm  engaged — 
just  going  out.  No,  that  won't  do.  I  must  be 
sick.  Anything  else  would  be  perfectly  insulting 
after  saying  that  I  was  at  home  ;  and  Jane  has  got 
to  go  back  and  tell  them  she  forgot  that  I  had  gone 
to  bed  with  a  severe  headache."  As  Jane  appears 
at  the  drawing-room  door,  and  falters  at  sight  of 
Mrs.  Somers  kneeling  on  her  chair,  that  lady  beck- 
ons her  to  her,  frowning,  shaking  her  head,  and 


112  THE    MOUSE-TKAP. 

pressing  her  finger  on  her  lip  to  enforce  silence, 
and  takes  the  cards  from  her,  while  she  continues 
in  whisper  :  "  Yes.  All  right,  Jane  !  Go  straight 
back  and  tell  them  you  forgot  I  had  gone  to  bed 
with  a  perfectly  blinding  headache  ;  and  don't  let 
another  soul  into  the  house.  Mr.  Campbell  saw  a 
mouse,  and  I  can't  get  down  till  he's  caught  it. 
Go!" 


II. 

JANE ;  MRS.  SOMERS ;   MR.  CAMPBELL ;  THEN  MRS.  MIL- 
LER;   MRS.  CURWEJs7 ;   MRS.  BEMIS. 

Jane,  after  a  moment  of  petrifaction:  "A  mouse ! 
In  the  room,  here  ?  Oh,  my  goodness  gracious 
me  !"  She  leaps  upon  the  chair  next  to  Mrs.  Som- 
ers,  who  again  springs  to  her  feet. 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Did  you  see  it  ?     Oh,  e-e-e-e  !" 

Jane :  "  W-o-o-o-o  !  I  don't  know  !  Where  was 
it  ?  Oh  yes,  I  thought — "  They  clutch  each  other 
convulsively,  and  blend  their  cries,  at  the  sound  of 
which  the  ladies  in  the  reception-room  below  come 
flocking  up-stairs  into  the  drawing-room. 

The  Ladies,  at  sight  of  Mrs.  Somers  and  her 
servant :  "  What  is  it  ?  what  is  it  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Oh,  there's  a  mouse  in  the  room. 
Oh,  jump  on  chairs  !" 

Mrs.  Miller,  vaulting  into  the  middle  of  the 
sofa  :  "A  mouse!" 

Mrs.  Lou  Jfemis,  alighting  upon  a  slight  recep- 
tion-chair :  "  Oh,  not  in  this  room,  Mrs.  Somers  ! 
Don't  say  it !" 

Mrs.  Curwen,  with  a  laugh  of  mingled  terror  and 
enjoyment,  from  the  top  of  the  table  where  she 
finds  herself  :  "  Where  is  it  ?" 


114  THE    MOUSE-TKAP. 

Mrs.  Somers:  "I  don't  know.  I  didn't  see  it. 
But,  oh  !  it's  here  somewhere.  Mr.  Campbell  saw 
it,  and  Jane  did  when  she  came  up  with  your  cards, 
and  he's  been  trying  to  drive  it  out,  but  he  can't 
even  budge  it ;  and — " 

Campbell,  desperately :  "  Ladies,  there  isn't  any 
mouse  here  !  I've  been  racketing  round  here  with 
the  shovel  and  tongs  all  over  the  room,  and  the 
mouse  is  gone.  You  can  depend  upon  that.  You're 
as  safe  here  as  you  would  be  in  your  own  rooms." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  How  can  you  say  such  a  thing  ? 
No,  I  won't  be  responsible  if  anything  happens. 
The  mouse  is  in  this  room.  No  one  has  seen  it  go 
out,  and  it's  here  still." 

Mrs.  JBemis,  balancing  herself  with  difficulty  on 
her  chair  :  "  Oh  dear  !  how  tippy  it  is  !  I'm  sure 
it's  going  to  break." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  Get  up  here  with  me,  Mrs.  Bemis. 
We  can  protect  each  other." 

Mrs.  Miller :  "  You  would  both  fall  off.  Better 
come  here  on  the  sofa,  Mrs.  Bemis." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  The  mouse  could  run  up  that  ot- 
toman sofa  as  easily  as  the  ground." 

Mrs.  Miller,  covering  her  face  :  "  Oh,  how  can 
you  say  such  a  thing  ?" 

Mrs.  Bemis :  "  Oh,  I  know  I'm  going  to  fall !" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Willis,  for  shame  !     Help  her  !" 

Campbell:  "  But  how — how  can  I  help — " 

Mrs.  Somers:  "  Get  her  another  chair." 

Campbell:  "Oh  !"  He  pushes  a  large  arm-chair 
towards  Mrs.  Bemis,  who  leaps  into  it  with  a  wild 


"WHAT  is  IT?     WHAT  is  IT? 


THE    MOUSE-TRAP.  117 

t 

cry,  spurning  the  reception  -  chair  half  across  the 
room  in  her  flight. 

Mrs.  Bemis :  "  Oh,  thank  you,  thank  you,  Mr. 
Campbell  !  Oh,  I  shall  always  bless  you  !" 

Mrs.  Curwen  :  "  Yes,  you  have  saved  all  our  lives. 
Where  there's  a  man,  I  don't  care  for  a  thousand 
mice." 

Mrs.  Miller  :  "  Oh,  how  very  frank  !" 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  Yes,  I'm  nothing  if  not  open- 
minded." 

Campbell,  surveying  her  with  amusement  and 
interest:  "  I  don't  believe  you're  very  much  scared." 

Mrs.  Eemis :  "  Oh  yes,  she  is,  Mr.  Campbell.  She 
keeps  up  that  way,  and  then  the  first  thing  she 
faints." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  Not  on  centre-tables,  my  dear  ; 
there  isn't  room." 

Campbell,  with  increasing  fascination  :  "  Why 
don't  you  get  down,  and  set  the  rest  an  example 
of  courage." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  I  prefer  to  set  the  example  here : 
it's  safer." 

Campbell:  "You  look  like  the  statue  of  some 
goddess  on  her  altar — or  saint — " 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  Thank  you.  If  you  will  say  vic- 
tim, I  will  agree  with  you.  Say  Iphigenia.  But 
the  others  are  too  much.  I  draw  the  line  at  god- 
desses and  saints." 

Campbell :  "And  you're  afraid  of  mice,  too  ?" 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  To  be  sure  I  am." 

Campbell:  "  Well,  there  is  no  mouse  down  here 


118  THE   MOUSE-TRAP. 

— nothing  but  a  miserable  man.  Now,  will  you 
get  down?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Mrs.  Curwen,  don't  think  of  it  ! 
He's  just  saying  it.  The  mouse  is  there."  To 
Campbell :  "  You  are  placing  us  all  in  a  very  ri- 
diculous position." 

Campbell:  "I  am  sorry  for  that ;  I  am,  indeed. 
I  give  you  my  word  of  honor  that  I  don't  believe 
there's  any  mouse  in  the  room." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Jane  just  saw  it." 

Campbell :  "  She  thought  she  saw  it,  but  I 
don't  think  she  did.  A  lion  would  have  been 
scared  out  by  this  time."  A  ring  at  the  door  is 
heard. 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  There,  Jane,  there's  some  one 
ringing  !  You  must  go  to  the  door." 

Jane,  throwing  her  apron  over  her  head:  "Oh, 
please,  Mrs.  Somers,  I  can't  go !  I'm  so  afraid  of 
mice  !" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Nonsense  !  you  must  go.  It's 
perfectly  ridiculous  your  pretending  not." 

Jane  :  "  Oh,  I  couldn't,  Mrs.  Somers  !  I  was  al- 
ways so  from  a  child.  I  can't  bear  'em." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "This  is  disgraceful.  Do  you 
mean  to  say  that  you  won't  do  what  I  ask  you? 
Very  well,  then  ;  you  can  go  !  You  needn't  stay 
the  week  out ;  I  will  pay  you,  and  you  can  go  at 
once.  Do  you  understand  ?" 

Jane :  "  Yes,  I  do,  and  I'd  be  glad  to  go  this  very 
minute,  but  I  don't  dare  to  get  down." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  But  why  shouldn't  you  get  down  ? 


THE    MOUSE-TRAP.  119 

There  isn't  the  least  danger.  Is  there  any  danger 
now,  Mr.  Campbell  ?" 

Campbell:  "Not  the  least  in  the -world.  Mouse 
gone  long  ago." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "There!" 

Jane :  "  I  can't  help  it.  There  are  so  many  in 
the  dining-room — " 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "In  my  dining  -  room  ?  Oh,  my 
goodness  !  why  didn't  you  tell  me  before  ?" 

Jane:  "And  one  ran  right  over  my  foot." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Your  foot  ?  Oh,  I  wonder  that 
you  live  to  tell  it !  Why  haven't  you  put  traps  ? 
Where's  the  cat  ?" 

Jane :  "  The  cook's  spoiled  the  cat,  feeding  it  so 
much." 

Mrs.  Miller :  "  Yes,  that's  the  worst  of  cooks  : 
they  always  spoil  cats." 

Mrs.  J3emis :  "  They  overfeed  them." 

Mrs.  Miller  :  "  And  then,  of  course,  the  cats  are 
worth  nothing  as  mousers.  I  had  a  cat — "  The 
bell  sounds  again. 

Mrs.  /Somers  :  "  There  !     Some  one  must  go." 

Campbell:  "Why,  Pll  go  to  the  door." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  And  leave  us  here  ?  Never  ! 
How  can  you  propose  such  a  thing  ?  If  you  dare 
to  go,  I  shall  die.  Don't  think  of  such  a  thing." 

Jane :  "  The  cook  will  go,  if  they  keep  ringing. 
Oh  !  ugh  !  hu,  hu  !  When  ever  shall  I  get  out  of 
this  ?" 

Mrs.  /Somers :  "  Stop  crying,  Jane  !  Be  calm  ! 
You're  perfectly  safe.  You  may  be  glad  it's  no 


120  THE    MOUSE-TRAP. 

worse.     'Sh  !     There's  the  cook  going  to  the  door 
at  last.     Who  can  it  be  ?    Listen  !" 

Jane,  clutching  Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Oh  !  ugh ! 
Wo-o-o-o  !" 

All  the  Ladies :  "  E-e-e-e  !" 

Mrs.  /Somers :  "  What's  the  matter,  Jane  ?  Let 
me  go  !  What's  the  matter  ?" 

Jane :  "  Oh,  I  thought  I  was  falling — right  down 
in  among  it !" 

Mrs.  Agnes  JRoberts,  calling  up  from  below : 
"  What  in  the  world  is  it,  Amy  ?" 

Campbell:  "Oh,  my  prophetic  soul,  my  sister  !" 

Mrs.  Somers,  shouting  :  "  Is  that  you,  Agnes  ? 
Don't  come  up  !  Don't  come  up,  for  your  life ! 
Don't  come  up,  unless  you  wish  to  perish  instantly. 
Oh,  it's  dreadful,  your  coming  now.  Keep  away ! 
Go  right  straight  out  of  the  house,  unless  you  wish 
to  fling  your  life  away." 

The  other  Ladies :  "  Don't  come  !  Don't  come  ! 
Keep  away  !  It  will  do  no  good." 


III. 

MRS.  ROBERTS  AND  THE  OTHERS. 

Mrs.  Roberts,  mounting  the  stairs,  as  if  lured  to 
her  doom  by  an  irresistible  fascination :  "  Not 
come  ?  Keep  away  ?  Who's  talking  ?  What  is 
it  ?  Oh,  Amy,  what  is  it  ?"  As  she  reaches  the 
stair-landing  space  before  the  drawing-room  and 
looks  in,  where  Campbell  stands  in  the  middle  of 
the  floor  with  his  hands  in  his  pockets  and  despair 
in  his  face  :  "  You  here,  Willis  ?  What  are  you 
doing?  What  is  it?"  Her  eye  wanders  to  the 
ladies  trembling  in  their  several  refuges,  and  a 
dawning  apprehension  makes  itself  seen  in  her  face. 
"  What  is —  Oh,  it  is — it  isn't — it  isn't  a — mouse  ! 
Oh,  Amy  !  Amy  !  Amy  !  Oh,  how  could  you  let 
me  come  right  into  the  room  with  it  ?  Oh,  I  never 
can  forgive  you  !  I  thought  it  was  somebody  get- 
ting killed.  Oh,  why  didn't  you  tell  me  it  was  a 
mouse  ?"  She  alights  on  the  piano-stool,  and  keeps 
it  from  rocking  by  staying  herself  with  one  hand 
on  the  piano-top. 

Campbell:  "Now  look  here,  Agnes — " 
Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Hush  !    Don't  speak  to  me,  Wil- 
lis !     You  unnatural,  cruel,  heartless —    Why  did 


122  THE    MOUSE-TKAP. 

you  let  me  come  in  ?  I  wonder  at  you,  Willis  ! 
If  you  had  been  half  the  brother  you  ought  to 
be —  Oh  dear,  dear !  I  know  how  you  will  go 
away  and  laugh  now,  and  tell  everybody.  I  sup- 
pose you  think  it  corroborates  that  silly  speech 
of  yours  before  the  legislative  committee  that's 
wounded  all  your  best  friends  so,  and  that  I've 
been  talking  myself  perfectly  dumb  defending 
you  about."  Mrs.  Roberts  unconsciously  gives  a 
little  push  for  emphasis,  and  the  stool  revolves  with 
her.  "  E-e-e-e  !  Oh,  Amy,  how  can  you  have  one 
of  these  old-fashioned,  horrid,  whirling  things,  fit 
for  nothing  but  boarding-house  parlors  !" 

Mrs.  Somers,  with  just  pique  :  "  I'm  very  sorry 
you  don't  like  my  piano-stool,  Agnes.  I  keep  it  be- 
cause it  was  my  poor  mother's  ;  but  if  you'll  give 
me  due  notice  another  time,  I'll  try  to  have  a  dif- 
ferent—" 

Mrs.  Roberts,  bursting  into  tears  :  "  Oh,  don't  say 
another  word,  Amy  dear  !  I'm  so  ashamed  of  my- 
self that  I  can  hardly  breathe  now  !" 

Campbell:  "And  I'm  ashamed  of  you  too,  Agnes  ! 
Get  down  off  that  stool,  and  behave  yourself  like  a 
sensible  woman."  He  goes  towards  her  as  if  to  lift 
her  down.  "  The  mouse  is  gone  long  ago.  And  if 
it  was  here,  it  wouldn't  bite  you." 

Mrs.  Roberts,  repelling  him  with  one  hand  while 
she  clings  insecurely  to  the  piano  with  the  other : 
"  Bite  ?  Do  you  suppose  I  care  for  a  mouse's  biting, 
Willis  ?  I  wouldn't  care  for  the  bite  of  an  elephant. 
It's  the  idea.  Can't  you  understand  ?" 


THE   MOUSE-TRAP.  123 

The  other  Ladies :  "  Oh  yes,  it's  the  idea." 

Mrs.  Corners :  "  Yes,  I  told  him  in  the  first  place, 
Agnes,  that  it  was  the  idea  of  a  mouse." 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  It's  the  innate  repugnance." 

Campbell:  "It's  the  enmity  put  between  the 
mouse  that  tempted  Eve  and  the  woman — " 

Mrs.  JRoberts :  "  Don't  be — sacrilegious,  Willis  ! 
Don't,  for  your  own  sake  !" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Yes,  it's  very  easy  to  make  fun 
of  the  Bible." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Or  woman.  And  the  wit  is  equal- 
ly contemptible  in  either  case." 

Mrs.  Miller :  "  Other  animals  feel  about  mice  just 
as  we  do.  I  was  reading  only  the  other  day  of  an 
elephant — your  mentioning  an  elephant  reminded 
me  of  it,  Mrs. — " 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Oh  !" 

The  other  Ladies :  "  E-e-e-e  !" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  What  is  it  ?" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Nothing.  I  thought  I  was  go- 
ing to  fall.  Go  on,  Mrs.  Miller." 

Mrs.  Miller :  "  Oh,  it's  merely  that  the  elephant 
was  asleep,  and  a  mouse  ran  up  its  trunk — " 

All  the  Ladies :  "  Horrors  !" 

Mrs.  Miller :  "  And  the  poor  creature  sprang  up 
in  the  greatest  alarm,  and  bellowed  till  it  woke  the 
whole  menagerie.  It  simply  shows  that  it  isn't  be- 
cause women  are  nervously  constituted  that  they're 
afraid  of  mice,  for  the  nervous  organism  of  an  ele- 
phant— " 

Mrs.  /Somers :  "  The  first  time  I  went  to  Europe 


124  THE    MOUSE-TRAP. 

I  found  a  mouse  in  one  of  my  trunks.  It  was  a 
steamer  trunk,  that  you  push  under  the  berth,  and 
I've  perfectly  loathed  them  ever  since." 

Mrs.  Bemis:  "Once  in  a  farm-house  where  we 
were  staying  the  summer,  a  mouse  ran  right  across 
the  table." 

All  the  Ladies :  "  Oh  !" 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  One  morning  I  found  one  in  the 
bath-tub." 

All  the  Ladies :  "  Oh,  Mrs.  Curwen  !" 

Mrs.  Curwen :  "  We'd  heard  it  scrambling  round 
all  night.  It  was  stone-dead." 

All  the  Ladies :  "  Hideous  !" 

Campbell:  "  Why,  bless  my  soul  !  if  the  mouse 
was  dead — " 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Then  it  was  ten  times  as  bad  as 
if  it  was  alive.  Can't  you  understand?  It's  the 
idea.  But,  oh,  don't  let's  talk  of  it  any  more,  la- 
dies !  Let's  talk  of  something  else.  Agnes,  are 
you  going  to  Mrs.  Ransom's  ?" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "I've  been.  Nearly  everybody's 
coming  away." 

Mrs.  Miller:  "Why,  what  time  is  it, Mrs.  Somers?" 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  I  don't  know." 

Campbell,  looking  at  his  watch:  "  It's  ten  minutes 
of  six,  and  I've  missed  my  appointment." 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "And  if  we  don't  go  now  we  shall 
miss  the  reception." 

Mrs.  Bemis :  "  Papa  was  very  particular  I  should 
go,  because  he  couldn't." 

Mrs.  Miller:  "We  must  go  at  once." 


THE    MOUSE-TRAP.  125 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Oh,  I'm  so  sorry  !  Jane,  go  down 
with  the  ladies." 

Jane:  "  Ob, please,  Mrs.  Somers  V9 

Mrs.  Miller :  "  But  how  are  we  to  go  ?  We  are 
imprisoned  here.  We  cannot  get  away.  You  must 
do  something." 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "It  is  your  house,  Mrs.  Somers. 
You  are  responsible." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  But  what  can  I  do  ?  I  can't  get 
down  myself.  And  if  I  did,  what  good  would  it 
do?" 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  For  shame,  Willis,  to  laugh  !" 

Campbell:  "I  wasn't  laughing.  I  was  merely 
smiling  aloud." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  It's  the  same  thing.  You  ought 
to  think  of  something." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Oh  yes,  do,  Willis.  Think  of 
something  for  my — for  goodness'  sake,  and  I  will 
always  thank  you.  You're  so  ingenious." 

Campbell:  "Well,  in  the  first  place,  I  don't  be- 
lieve there's  any  mouse  in  the  room." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  That  is  nonsense  ;  Jane  saw  it. 
Is  that  all  your  ingenuity  amounts  to  ?" 

Mrs.  Roberts,  electrically  :  "  Amy,  I  have  an 
idea  !" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Oh,  Agnes  !     How  like  you  !" 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Not  at  all.  It's  the  simplest  thing 
in  the  world.  It's  the  only  way.  And  no  thanks 
to  Willis,  either." 

All  the  Ladies :  "  Well  ?    Well  ?    Well  ?" 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  It's  just  this  :  all  make  a  rush, 


126  THE    MOUSE-TKAP. 

one  after  another,  and  the  rest  scream.     And  Wil- 
lis must  keep  beating  the  floor." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  How  perfectly  magnificent !  Well, 
Agnes,  you  have  got  your  wits  about  you  !  It  is 
the  very  thing  !  Now,  Mrs.  Curwen,  if  you  will 
jump  down  and  make  a  rush — " 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "It's  for  you  to  make  the  rush 
first,  Mrs.  Somers.  You  are  the  hostess." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Yes,  but  I'm  not  going,  don't  you 
see  ?  I've  sent  my  card  to  Mrs.  Ransom." 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "Then,  Mrs.  Miller,  will  you, 
please — " 

Mrs.  Miller :  "  Mrs.  Bemis  is  nearest  the  door.  I 
think  she  will  wish  to  start  first." 

Mrs.  Semis :  "  No  ;  I  will  wait  for  the  rest." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  That  is  a  good  idea.  They  ought 
to  all  rush  together,  not  one  after  another.  Don't 
you  think  so,  Agnes  ?" 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Yes,  that  was  what  I  meant.  And 
we  ought  to  all  scream  just  before  they  start,  so  as 
to  scare  it." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Oh,  how  capital !  You  have  got 
a  brain,  Agnes !  Now  I  begin  to  believe  we  shall 
live  through  it.  And  Mr.  Campbell  ought  to  beat 
the  floor  first,  oughtn't  he  ?" 

Campbell:  "I  haven't  got  anything  to  beat  it 
with."  He  looks  about  the  room.  "  But  I  can  go 
down  and  get  my  cane." 

All:  "No!" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Jane  will  go  down  and  get  it  for 
you." 


THE    MOUSE-TRAP.  127 

Jane :  "  Oh,  I  couldn't,  Mrs.  Somers  !" 

Campbell:  "  Perhaps  the  poker — but  it  would  spoil 
your  carpet."  » 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  No  matter  for  the  carpet ;  you 
can  beat  it  into — pulp."  Campbell  gets  the  poker 
and  beats  the  carpet  in  different  places.  "  Harder  ! 
Beat  harder  !" 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  You're  not  beating  at  all,  Wil- 
lis. You're  just — temporizing."  Campbell  wildly 
thrashes  the  carpet. 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  There  !  that  is  something  like. 
Now  scream,  Agnes  !  Scream,  Mrs.  Curwen  !  Mrs. 
Miller,  Lou,  scream,  please  !" 

All:  "E-e-e-e!" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  But  nobody  started  !" 

Mrs.  Curwen:  "I  didn't  believe  the  rest  would 
start,  and  so  /didn't." 

Mrs.  Miller:  "  I  was  sure  no  one  else  would  start." 

Mrs.  Bemis :  "  So  was  I." 

Mrs.  JRoberts  :  "  We  must  have  faith  in  each  oth- 
er, or  else  the  plan's  a  failure.  Now  all  scream  !" 
They  scream. 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  E-e-e-e  !  Keep  beating  the  car- 
pet, Willis  !  Hard,  hard,  hard  1"  The  other  ladies 
all  leap  down  from  their  perches,  and  rush  scream- 
ing out  of  the  drawing-room,  followed  by  Jane, 
with  a  whoop  that  prolongs  itself  into  the  depths 
of  the  basement,  after  the  retreating  wails  and  hys- 
terical laughter  of  the  ladies  have  died  out  of  the 
street  door.  "  Oh,  wasn't  it  splendid  ?  It  was  a 
perfect  success." 


IV. 

MRS.  SOMERS;   MR.  CAMPBELL. 

Campbell,  leaning  on  his  poker,  and  panting  with 
exhaustion  :  "  They  got  out  alive." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  And  it  was  all  Agnes's  idea. 
Why,  Agnes  is  gone  too  !" 

Campbell:  "  Yes,  Agnes  is  gone.  I  think  it  was 
a  ruse  of  hers  to  save  her  own  life.  She's  quite  ca- 
pable of  it." 

Mrs.  Somers,  with  justice  :  "  No,  I  don't  think 
that.  She  was  just  carried  away  by  the  excite- 
ment of  the  moment." 

Campbell:  "At  any  rate,  she's  gone.  And  now, 
Amy,  don't  you  think  you'd  better  get  down  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers,  in  astonishment:  "Get  down? 
Why,  you  must  be  crazy.  How  can  I  get  down  if 
it's  still  there  ?" 

Campbell:  "What?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "The  mouse." 

Campbell:  "But  it  isn't  there,  my  dear.  You 
saw  for  yourself  that  it  wasn't  there." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Did  you  see  it  run  out  ?" 

Campbell:  "No;  but—" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Very  well,  then,  it's  there  still. 
Of  course  it  is.  I  wouldn't  get  down  for  worlds." 


THE    MOUSE-TKAP.  129 

Campbell :  "  Oh,  good  heavens  !  Do  you  expect 
to  spend  the  rest  of  your  life  up  there  in  that 
chair  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  I  don't  know.  I  shall  not  get 
down  till  I  see  that  mouse  leave  this  room." 

Campbell,  desperately  :  "  Well,  then,  I  must 
make  a  clean  breast  of  it.  There  never  was  any 
mouse  here." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  What  do  you  mean  ?" 

Campbell:  "  I  mean  that  when  we  were  talking — 
arguing — about  the  physical  courage  of  women,  I 
thought  I  would  try  a  mouse.  It's  succeeded  only 
too  well.  I'll  never  try  another." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "And  could  you  really  be  guilty 
of  such  a  cruel — " 

Campbell:  "Yes." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Shameless — " 

Campbell:  "I  was." 

Mrs.  Somers:  " Despicable  deception  ?" 

Campbell:  "It  was  vile,  I  know,  but  I  did  it." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "I  don't  believe  it.  No,  rather 
than  believe  that  of  you,  Willis,  I  would  believe 
there  were  a  million  mice  in  the  room." 

Campbell:  "Amy,  indeed — " 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  No  ;  if  you  could  deceive  me 
then,  you  can  deceive  me  now.  If  you  could  say 
there  was  a  mouse  in  the  room  when  there  wasn't, 
you  are  quite  capable  of  saying  there  isn't  when 
there  is.  You  are  just  saying  it  now  to  get  me 
to  get  down." 

Campbell:  "Upon  my  honor,  I'm  not." 


130  THE   MOUSE-TRAP. 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Oh,  don't  talk  to  me  of  honor ! 
The  honor  of  a  man  who  could  revel — yes,  revel — 
in  the  terrors  of  helpless  women — " 

Campbell:  "No,  no  ;  I'd  no  idea  of  it,  Amy." 

Mrs.  /Somers :  "  You  will  please  not  address  me 
in  that  way,  Mr.  Campbell.  You  have  forfeited  all 
right  to  do  so." 

Campbell:  "I  know  it.  What  I  did  was  very 
foolish  and  thoughtless." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "It  was  very  low  and  ungentle- 
manly.  I  suppose  you  will  go  away  and  laugh 
over  it  with  your — associates." 

Campbell:  "Why  not  say  my  ruffianly  accom- 
plices at  once,  Amy  ?  No,  I  assure  you  that  unless 
you  tell  of  the  affair,  nobody  shall  ever  hear  of 
it  from  me.  It's  too  disastrous  a  victory.  I'm 
hoist  by  my  own  petard,  caught  in  my  own  mouse- 
trap. There  is  such  a  thing  as  succeeding  too 
well." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "I  should  think  you  would  be 
ashamed  of  it.  Suppose  you  have  shown  that  wom- 
en are  nervous  and  excitable,  does  that  prove  any- 
thing?" 

Campbell:  "Nothing  in  the  world." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Very  likely  some  of  us  will  be 
sick  from  it.  I  dare  say  you  think  that  would  be 
another  triumphant  argument." 

Campbell:  "I  shouldn't  exult  in  it." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "I  don't  know  when  I  shall  ever 
get  over  it  myself.  I  have  had  a  dreadful  shock." 

Campbell :  "  I'm  sorry  with  all  my  heart — I  am, 


THE    MOUSE-TRAP.  131 

indeed.  I  had  no  conception  that  you  cared  so 
much  for  mice — despised  them  so  much." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Oh  yes,  laugh,  de  !  It's  quite  in 
character.  But  if  you  have  such  a  contempt  for 
women,  of  course  you  wouldn't  want  to  marry  one." 

Campbell:  "Yes,  I  should,  my  dear.  But  only 
one." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Very  well,  then  !  You  can  find 
some  other  one.  All  is  over  between  us.  Yes  !  I 
will  send  you  back  the  precious  gifts  you  have  lav- 
ished upon  me,  and  I  will  thank  you  for  mine.  A 
man  who  can  turn  the  sex  that  his  mother  and  sis- 
ter belong  to  into  ridicule  can  have  no  real  love  for 
his  wife.  I  am  glad  that  I  found  you  out  in  time." 

Campbell :  "  Do  you  really  mean  it,  Amy  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Yes,  I  mean  it.  And  I  hope  it 
will  be  a  lesson  to  you.  If  you  find  any  other  poor, 
silly,  trusting  creature  that  you  can  impose  your- 
self upon  for  a  gentleman  as  you  have  upon  me,  I 
advise  you  to  reserve  your  low,  vulgar,  boyish 
tricks  till  after  she  is  helplessly  yours,  or  she  may 
tear  your  hateful  ring  from  her  finger  and  fling 
it — "  She  attempts  to  pull  a  ring  from  her  finger, 
but  it  will  not  come  off.  "  Never  mind  !  I  will 
get  it  off  with  a  little  soapsuds  ;  and  then — " 

Campbell:  "Oh  no,  my  dear  !  Come,  I  can  al- 
low for  your  excitement,  but  I  can't  stand  every- 
thing, though  I  admit  everything.  When  a  man 
has  said  he's  played  a  silly  part  he  doesn't  like  to 
be  told  so,  and  as  for  imposing  myself  upon  you  for 
a  gentleman — you  must  take  that  back,  Amy." 


132  THE   MOUSE-TRAP. 

Mrs.  Somers:  "I  do.  I  take  it  back.  There 
hasn't  been  any  imposture.  I  knew  you  were  not 
a  gentleman." 

Campbell :  "  Very  good  !  Then  I'm  not  fit  for  a 
lady's  company,  and  I  don't  deny,  though  you're  so 
hard  upon  me,  that  you're  a  lady,  Amy.  Good- 
by."  He  bows  and  walks  out  of  the  room. 

Mrs.  Somers,  sending  her  voice  after  him  in  a 
wail  of  despair  :  "  Willis  !" 

Campbell,  coming  back  :  "  Well  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  I  can't  let  you  go."  He  runs  tow- 
ards her,  but  she  shrinks  back  on  her  chair  against 
the  wall.  "No,  no!" 

Campbell,  hesitating  :  "  Why  did  you  call  me 
back,  then  ?" 

Mrs.  /Somers :  "  I — I  didn't  call  you  back  ;  I  just 
said— Willis." 

Campbell:  "This  is  unworthy — even  of  you." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Oh !" 

Campbell:  "Do  you  admit  that  you  have  been 
too  severe  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "I  don't  know.  What  did  I 
say?" 

Campbell:  "A  number  of  pleasant  things  ;  that 
I  was  a  fraud,  and  no  gentleman." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Did  I  say  that  ?" 

Campbell:  "Yes,  you  did." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  I  must  have  been  very  much  in- 
censed against  you.  I  beg  your  pardon  for — being 
so  angry." 

Campbell :  "  That  won't  do.     I  don't  care  how 


THE   MOUSE-TEAP.  133 

angry  you  are  if  you  don't  call  me  names.  You 
must  take  them  back." 

Mrs.  /Somers :  "  Do  you  see  my  handkerchief  any- 
where about  on  the  carpet  ?" 

Campbell,  looking  about,  and  then  finding  it : 
"Yes;  here  it  is."  He  hands  it  to  her,  and  she 
bends  forward  and  takes  it  from  him  at  arm's- 
length,  whipping  it  nervously  out  of  his  hand. 
"What's  the  matter?" 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Oh,  nothing  —  nothing  !  Will 
you  please  give  me  my  fan  from  the  table  there  ?" 
He  obeys,  and  she  catches  it  from  him  as  she  has 
caught  the  handkerchief.  "Thank  you  !  Keep 
away,  please  !" 

Campbell,  angrily  :  "  Really  this  is  too  much. 
If  you  are  afraid  of  touching  me — " 

Mrs.  Somers:  "No,  I  don't  mind  touching  you  ; 
that  isn't  it.  But  if  you  stood  so  near,  don't  you 
see,  it  might  run  up  you,  and  jump  on  to  me." 

Campbell:  "What  might?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  You  know.     The  mouse." 

Campbell:  "The  mouse  !     There  is  no  mouse." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "That's  what  you  said  before." 

Campbell :  "  Well,  it's  true.  There  isn't  any 
mouse,  and  there  never  was." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  There's  the  idea.  And  that's  all 
I  ever  cared  for." 

Campbell :  "  Well,  what  are  you  going  to  do  ?  I 
can't  kill  the  idea  of  a  mouse,  and  I  can't  drive  it 
out  of  the  room." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  I  don't  know  what  I'm  going  to 


134  THE    MOUSE-TRAP. 

do.  I  suppose  I  shall  die  here."  She  presses  her 
handkerchief  to  her  eyes.  "  I  shall  never  get  out 
of  the  room  alive.  Then  I  hope  you  will  be  satisfied." 

Campbell :  "  Amy,  how  can  you  say  such  things 
to  me  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Oh,  I  suppose  you're  fond  of  me, 
in  your  contemptuous  way.  I  never  denied  that. 
And  I'm  sorry,  I'm  sure,  if  I  wounded  your  feel- 
ings by  anything  I  said." 

Campbell:  "Then  you  admit  that  I  am  a  gen- 
tleman ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "I  didn't  say  that." 

Campbell:  "And  I  can't  be  satisfied  with  less. 
I'll  own  that  I've  been  stupid,  but  I  haven't  been 
ungentlemanly.  I  can't  remain  unless  you  do." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "And  do  you  think  threatening 
me  is  gentlemanly  ?" 

Campbell:  "That  isn't  the  question.  Do  you 
think  I'm  a  gentleman  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "You're  what  the  world  calls  a 
gentleman — yes." 

Campbell :  "  Do  you  think  I'm  one  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  How  can  I  tell  ?  I  can't  think 
at  all,  perched  up  here." 

Campbell :  "  Why  don't  you  get  down,  then  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "You  know  very  well  why." 

Campbell:  "But  you'll  have  to  get  down  some 
time.  You  can't  stay  there  always." 

Mrs.  Somers  :  "  Why  should  you  care  ?" 

Campbell:  "You  know  I  do  care.  You  know 
that  I  love  you  dearly,  and  that  I  can't  bear  to  see 


THE    MOUSE-TRAP.  135 

you  in  distress.     Shall  I  beat  the  carpet,  and  you 
scream  and  make  a  rush  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers:  "No  ;  I  haven't  the  "strength  for 
that.  I  should  drop  in  a  faint  as  soon  as  I  touched 
the  floor." 

Campbell:  "  Oh,  good  heavens  !  What  am  I  go- 
ing to  do,  then  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  I  don't  know.  You  got  me  into 
the  trouble.  I  should  think  you  could  get  me  out 
of  it." 

Campbell,  after  walking  distractedly  up  and  down 
the  room  :  "  There's  only  one  way  that  I  can  think 
of,  and  if  we're  not  engaged  any  longer,  it  wouldn't 
do." 

Mrs.  Somers,  yielding  to  her  curiosity,  after  a 
moment's  hesitation  :  "  What  is  it  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Oh,  unless  we're  still  engaged,  it's 
no  use  proposing  it." 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Can't  you  tell  me  without  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Impossible." 

Mrs.  Somers,  looking  down  at  her  fan  :  "  Well, 
suppose  we  are  still  engaged,  then  ?"  Looking  up  : 
"  Yes,  say  we  are  engaged." 

Campbell:  "  It's  to  carry  you  out." 

Mrs.  Somers,  recoiling  a  little  :  "  Oh !  do  you 
think  that  would  be  very  nice  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Yes,  I  think  it  would.  We  can  both 
scream,  you  know." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Yes?" 

Campbell:  "And  then  you  fling  yourself  into  my 
arms." 
9 


136  THE    MOUSE-TRAP. 

Mrs.  Somers:  "Yes?" 

Campbell:  "And  I  rush  out  of  the  room  with 
you." 

Mrs.  Somers,  with  a  deep  breath :  "  I  would  nev- 
er do  it  in  the  world." 

Campbell:  "Well,  then,  you  must  stay  where 
you  are." 

Mrs.  /Somers,  closing  her  fan  :  "  You're  not  strong 
enough."  She  puts  her  handkerchief  into  her  pock- 
et. "  You  would  be  sure  to  fall."  She  gathers  her 
train  in  one  hand.  "  Well,  then,  look  the  other 
way  !"  Campbell  turns  his  face  aside  and  waits. 
"No,  I  can't  do  it." 

Campbell,  retiring  wrathfully  to  the  other  side 
of  the  room  :  "  What  shall  we  do,  then  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers,  after  reflection  :  "I  don't  know 
what  we  shall  do.  But  if  I  were  a  man — " 

Campbell:  "  Well,  if  you  were  a  man — " 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Don't  you  think  Mrs.  Curwen  is 
fascinating  ?" 

Campbell:  "Redoes." 

Mrs.  Somers:  "You  must  admit  she's  clever? 
And  awfully  stylish  ?" 

Campbell :  "  I  don't  admit  anything  of  the  kind. 
She's  always  posing.  I  think  she  made  herself  ridic- 
ulous standing  there  on  the  table." 

Mrs.  Somers,  fondly  :  "  Oh,  do  you  think  so  ? 
You  are  very  severe." 

Campbell:  "Come,  now,  Amy,  what  has  all  this 
got  to  do  with  it  ?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Nothing.    But  if  I  were  a  man — " 


THE   MOUSE-TRAP.  137 

Campbell:  "Well?" 

Mrs.  Somers :  "  Well,  in  the  first  place,  I  wouldn't 
have  got  you  wrought  up  so." 

Campbell:  "Well,  but  if  you  had!  Suppose  you 
had  done  all  that  I've  done,  and  that  I  was  up  there 
in  your  place  standing  on  a  chair,  and  wouldn't  let 
you  leave  the  room,  and  wouldn't  get  down  and 
walk  out,  and  wouldn't  allow  myself  to  be  carried, 
what  should  you  do  ?" 

Mrs.  Sowers,  who  has  been  regarding  him  atten- 
tively over  the  top  of  her  fan,  which  she  holds 
pressed  against  her  face  :  "  Why,  I  suppose  if  you 
wouldn't  let  me  help  you  willingly — I  should  use 
violence." 

Campbell:  "You  witch  !"  As  he  makes  a  wild 
rush  upon  her,  the  curtain,  which  in  the  plays  of 
this  author  has  a  strict  regard  for  the  convenances, 
abruptly  descends. 


A  LIKELY  STORY. 


A  LIKELY  STORY. 


i. 

MR.  AND  MRS.  WILLIS  CAMPBELL. 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Now  this,  I  think,  is  the  most 
exciting  part  of  the  whole  affair,  and  the  pleasant- 
est."  She  is  seated  at  breakfast  in  her  cottage  at 
Summering-by-the-Sea.  A  heap  of  letters  of  va- 
rious stylish  shapes,  colors,  and  superscriptions  lies 
beside  her  plate,  and  irregularly  straggles  about 
among  the  coffee-service.  Vis-a-vis  with  her  sits 
Mr.  Campbell  behind  a  newspaper.  "  How  prompt 
they  are  !  Why,  I  didn't  expect  to  get  half  so 
many  answers  yet.  But  that  shows  that  where 
people  have  nothing  to  do  but  attend  to  their  so- 
cial duties  they  are  always  prompt — even  the  men; 
women,  of  course,  reply  early  anyway,  and  you 
don't  really  care  for  them  ;  but  in  town  the  men 
seem  to  put  it  off  till  the  very  last  moment,  and 
then  some  of  them  call  when  it's  over  to  excuse 
themselves  for  not  having  come  after  accepting.  It 
really  makes  you  wish  for  a  leisure  class.  It's  only 
the  drive  and  hurry  of  American  life  that  make  our 
9 


142  A   LIKELY    STORY. 

men  seem  wanting  in  the  convenances;  and  if  they 
had  the  time,  with  their  instinctive  delicacy,  they 
would  be  perfect :  it  would  come  from  the  heart : 
they're  more  truly  polite  now.  Willis,  just  look  at 
this  !" 

Campbell,  behind  his  paper:  "  Look  at  what  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "  These  replies.  Why,  I  do  be- 
lieve that  more  than  half  the  people  have  answered 
already,  and  the  invitations  only  went  out  yester- 
day. That  comes  from  putting  on  R.  S.  V.  P.  I 
knew  I  was  right,  and  I  shall  always  do  it,  I  don't 
care  what  you  say." 

Campbell:  "You  didn't  put  on  R.  S.  V.  P.  after 
all  I  said?"  He  looks  round  the  edge  of  his  paper 
at  her. 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Yes,  I  did.  The  idea  of  your 
setting  up  for  an  authority  in  such  a  thing  as 
that !" 

Campbell :  "  Then  I'm  sorry  I  didn't  ask  you  to 
do  it.  It's  a  shame  to  make  people  say  whether 
they'll  come  to  a  garden-party  from  four  till  seven 
or  not." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  A  shame  ?  How  can  you  pro- 
vide if  you  don't  know  how  many  are  coming?  I 
should  like  to  know  that.  But  of  course  I  couldn't 
expect  you  to  give  in  gracefully." 

Campbell :  "  I  should  give  in  gracefully  if  I  gave 
in  at  all,  but  I  don't."  He  throws  his  paper  down 
beside  his  chair.  "  Here,  hand  over  the  letters,  and 
I'll  be  opening  them  for  you  while  you  pour  out  the 
coffee." 


A   LIKELY    STORY.  145 

Mrs.  Campbell,  covering  the  letters  with  her 
hands :  "  Indeed  you  won't !" 

Campbell:  "  Well,  pour  out  the  coffee,  then,  any- 
way." 

Mrs.  Campbell,  after  a  moment's  reflection:  "No, 
I  shall  not  do  it.  I'm  going  to  open  them  every 
one  before  you  get  a  drop  of  coffee — just  to  punish 
you." 

Campbell :  "  To  punish  me  ?  For  what  ?"  Mrs. 
Campbell  hesitates,  as  if  at  a  loss  what  to  say. 
"  There  !  you  don't  know." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Yes  I  do :  for  saying  I  oughtn't 
to  have  put  on  R.  S.  V.  P.  Do  you  take  it  back  ?" 

Campbell:  "How  can  I  till  I've  had  some  cof- 
fee ?  My  mind  won't  work  on  an  empty  stomach. 
Well — "  He  rises  and  goes  round  the  table  towards 
her. 

Mrs.  Campbell,  spreading  both  arms  over  the  let- 
ters :  "  Willis,  if  you  dare  to  touch  them,  I'll  ring 
for  Jane,  and  then  she'll  see  you  cutting  up." 

Campbell:  "Touch  what?  I'm  coming  to  get 
some  coffee." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Well,  I'll  give  you  some  cof- 
fee ;  but  don't  you  touch  a  single  one  of  those  let- 
ters— after  what  you've  said." 

Campbell:  "All  right  !"  He  extends  one  hand 
for  the  coffee,  and  with  the  other  sweeps  all  the  let- 
ters together,  and  starts  back  to  his  place.  As  she 
flies  upon  him,  "  Look  out,  Amy  ;  you'll  make  me 
spill  this  coffee  all  over  the  table-cloth." 

Mrs.  Campbell,  sinking  into  her  seat :  "  Oh,  Wil- 


146  A   LIKELY    STORY. 

lis,  how  can  you  be  so  base  ?     Give  me  my  letters. 

Dor 

Campbell,  sorting  them  over  :  "  You  may  have 
half." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "No;  I  shall  have  all.  I  insist 
upon  it." 

Campbell:  "Well,  then,  you  may  have  all  the 
ladies'  letters.  There  are  twice  as  many  of  them." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "  No;  I  shall  have  the  men's  too. 
Give  me  the  men's  first." 

Campbell:  "How  can  I  tell  which  are  the  men's 
without  opening  them  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  How  could  you  tell  which  were 
the  ladies'  ?  Come,  now,  Willis,  don't  tease  me  any 
longer.  You  know  I  hate  it." 

Campbell,  studying  the  superscriptions,  one  after 
another  :  "I  want  to  see  if  I  can  guess  who  wrote 
them.  Don't  you  like  to  guess  who  wrote  your 
letters  before  you  open  them  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell,  with  dignity  :  "  I  don't  like  to 
guess  who  wrote  other  people's  letters."  She  looks 
down  at  the  table-cloth  with  a  menace  of  tears,  and 
Campbell  instantly  returns  all  the  notes. 

Campbell:  "There,  Amy  ;  you  may  have  them. 
I  don't  care  who  wrote  them,  nor  what's  in  them. 
And  I  don't  want  you  to  interrupt  me  with  any  ex- 
clamations over  them,  if  you  please."  He  reaches 
to  the  floor  for  his  newspaper,  and  while  he  sips  his 
coffee,  Mrs.  Campbell  loses  no  time  in  opening  her 
letters. 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "I  shall  do  nothing #w£  exclaim. 


A  LIKELY    STOEY.  147 

The  Curwens  accept,  of  course — the  very  first  let- 
ter. That  means  Mrs.  Curwen ;  that  is  one,  at  any 
rate.  The  New  York  Addingses  do,  -and  the  Phil- 
adelphia Addingses  don't ;  I  hardly  expected  they 
would,  so  soon  after  their  aunt's  death,  but  I  thought 
I  ought  to  ask  them.  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Roberts,  nat- 
urally; it  was  more  a  joke  than  anything,  sending 
their  invitation.  Mrs.  and  the  Misses  Carver  regret 
very  much  ;  well,  /  don't.  Professor  and  Mrs. 
Traine  are  very  happy,  and  so  am  I;  he  doesn't  go 
everywhere,  and  he's  awfully  nice.  Mr.  and  Mrs. 
Lou  Bemis  are  very  happy  too,  and  Dr.  Lawton  is 
very  happy.  Mrs.  Bridges  Dear  Mrs.  Campbells 
me,  and  is  very  sorry  in  the  first  person ;  she's  al- 
ways nice.  Mr.  Phillips,  Mr.  Rangeley,  Mr.  Small, 
Mr.  Peters,  Mr.  Staples,  Mr.  Thornton,  all  accept, 
and  they're  all  charming  young  fellows." 

Campbell,  around  his  paper :  "  Well,  what  of 
that?" 

Mrs.  Campbell,  with  an  air  of  busy  preoccupation : 
"  Don't  eavesdrop,  please  ;  I  wasn't  talking  to  you. 
The  Merrills  have  the  pleasure,  and  the  Morgans 
are  sorrow-stricken  ;  the — " 

Campbell :  "  Yes,  but  why  should  you  care  wheth- 
er those  fellows  are  charming  or  not  ?  Who's  go- 
ing to  marry  them  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "Tarn.  Mrs.  Stevenson  is  bowed 
to  the  earth  ;  Colonel  Murphree  is  overjoyed  ;  the 
Misses  Ja — " 

Campbell,  putting  his  paper  down :  "  Look  here, 
Amy.  Do  you  know  that  you  have  one  little  in- 


148  A   LIKELY    STORY. 

finitesimal  ewe-lamb  of  a  foible  ?  You  think  too 
much  of  young  men." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "  Younger  men,  you  mean.  And 
you  have  a  multitude  of  perfectly  mammoth  pecca- 
dilloes. You  interrupt."  She  goes  on  opening  and 
reading  her  letters.  "  Well,  I  didn't  expect  the 
Macklines  could ;  but  everybody  seems  to  be  com- 
ing." 

Campbell:  "You  pay  them  too  much  attention 
altogether.  It  spoils  them  ;  and  one  of  these  days 
you'll  be  getting  some  of  them  in  love  with  you, 
and  then  what  will  you  do  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell,  with  affected  distraction :  "  What 
are  you  talking  about  ?  I'd  refer  them  to  you,  and 
you  could  kill  them.  I  suppose  you  killed  lots  of 
people  in  California.  That's  what  you  always  gave 
me  to  understand."  She  goes  on  with  her  letters. 

Campbell:  "I  never  killed  a  single  human  being 
that  I  can  remember  ;  but  there's  no  telling  what  I 
might  do  if  I  were  provoked.  Now,  there's  that 
young  Welling.  He's  about  here  under  my  feet 
all  the  time  ;  and  he's  got  a  way  lately  of  coming 
in  through  the  window  from  the  piazza  that's  very 
intimate.  He's  a  nice  fellow  enough,  and  sweet,  as 
you  say.  I  suppose  he  has  talent  too,  but  I  never 
heard  that  he  had  set  any  of  the  adjacent  water- 
courses on  fire  ;  and  I  don't  know  that  he  could 
give  the  Apollo  Belvedere  many  points  in  beauty 
and  beat  him." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "Zdo.  Mrs.  and  Miss  Rice  ac- 
cept, and  her  friend  Miss  Greenway,  who's  staying 


A  LIKELY   STORY.  149 

with  her,  and — yes  !  here's  one  from  Mr.  Welling  ! 
Oh,  how  glad  I  am  !  Willis,  dearest,  if  I  could 
be  the  means  of  bringing  those  two  iovely  young 
creatures  together,  I  should  be  so  happy  !  Don't 
you  think,  now,  he  is  the  most  delicate -minded, 
truly  refined,  exquisitely  modest  young  fellow  that 
ever  was  ?"  She  presses  the  unopened  note  to  her 
corsage,  and  leans  eagerly  forward  entreating  a 
sympathetic  acquiescence. 

Campbell:  "Well,  as  far  as  I  can  remember  my 
own  youth,  no.  But  what  does  he  say  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell,  regarding  the  letter:  "I  haven't 
looked  yet.  He  writes  the  most  characteristic  hand, 
for  a  man,  that  I  ever  saw.  And  he  has  the  divinest 
taste  in  perfumes !  Oh,  I  wonder  what  that  is  ? 
Like  a  memory — a  regret."  She  presses  it  repeat- 
edly to  her  pretty  nose,  in  the  endeavor  to  ascertain. 

Campbell:  "Oh,  hello!" 

Mrs.  Campbell,  laughing :  "  Willis,  you  are  de- 
lightful. I  should  like  to  see  you  really  jealous 
once." 

Campbell:  "You  won't,  as  long  as  I  know  my 
own  incomparable  charm.  But  give  me  that  letter, 
Amy,  if  you're  not  going  to  open  it.  I  want  to  see 
whether  Welling  is  going  to  come." 

Mrs.  Campbell,  fondly  :  "  Would  you  really  like 
to  open  it  ?  I've  half  a  mind  to  let  you,  just  for  a 
reward." 

Campbell :  "  Reward  !     What  for  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "Oh,  I  don't  know.     Being  so 


150  A   LIKELY   STOEY. 

Campbell:  " That's  something  I  can't  help.  It's 
no  merit.  Well,  hand  over  the  letter." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "I  should  have  thought  you'd 
insist  on  my  opening  it,  after  that." 

Campbell:  "Why?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "To  show  your  confidence." 

Campbell:  "  When  I  haven't  got  any  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell,  tearing  the  note  open  :  "  Well, 
it's  no  use  trying  any  sentiment  with  you,  or  any 
generosity  either.  You're  always  just  the  same  ;  a 
teasing  joke  is  your  ideal.  You  can't  imagine  a 
woman's  wanting  to  keep  up  a  little  romance  all 
through  ;  and  a  character  like  Mr.  Welling's,  who's 
all  chivalry  and  delicacy  and  deference,  is  quite 
beyond  you.  That's  the  reason  you're  always  sneer- 
ing at  him." 

Campbell:  "I'm  not  sneering  at  him,  my  dear. 
I'm  only  afraid  Miss  Rice  isn't  good  enough  for 
him." 

Mrs.  Campbell,  instantly  placated  :  "  Well,  she's 
the  only  girl  who's  anywhere  near  it.  I  don't  say 
she's  faultless,  but  she  has  a  great  deal  of  charac- 
ter, and  she's  very  practical ;  just  the  counterpart 
of  his  dreaminess;  and  she  is  very,  very  good-look- 
ing, don't  you  think  ?" 

Campbell:  "Her  bang  isn't  so  nice  as  his." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  No  ;  and  aren't  his  eyes  beau- 
tiful ?  And  that  high,  serious  look  !  And  his  nose 
and  chin  are  perfectly  divine.  He  looks  like  a 
young  god  !" 

Campbell :  "I  dare  say  ;  though  I  never  saw  an 


A    LIKELY    STOEY.  151 

old  one.  Well,  is  he  coming  ?  I'm  not  jealous,  but 
I'm  impatient.  Read  it  out  loud." 

Mrs.  Campbell,  sinking  back  in  her  chair  for  the 
more  luxurious  perusal  of  the  note  :  "  Indeed  I  shall 
not."  She  opens  it  and  runs  it  hastily  through,  with 
various  little  starts,  stares,  frowns,  smiles  of  arrest- 
ed development,  laughs,  and  cries  :  "  Why — why  ! 
What  does  it  mean?  Is  he  crazy?  Why,  there's 
some  mistake.  No !  It's  his  hand — and  here's  his 
name.  I  can't  make  it  out."  She  reads  it  again 
and  again.  "  Why,  it's  perfectly  bewildering  ! 
Why,  there  must  be  some  mistake.  He  couldn't 
have  meant  it.  Could  he  have  imagined  ?  Could 
he  have  dared  ?  There  never  has  been  the  slightest 
thing  that  could  be  tortured  into —  But  of  course 
not.  And  Mr.  Welling,  of  all  men  !  Oh,  I  can't 
understand  it !  Oh,  Willis,  Willis,  Willis  !  What 
does  it  mean  ?"  She  flings  the  note  wildly  across 
the  table,  and  catching  her  handkerchief  to  her 
face,  falls  back  into  her  chair,  tumultuously  sob- 
bing. 

Campbell,  with  the  calm  of  a  man  accustomed  to 
emotional  superabundance,  lifting  the  note  from 
the  toast-rack  before  him  :  "  Well,  let's  see."  He 
reads  aloud  :  "  *  Oh,  my  darling !  How  can  I  live 
till  I  see  you?  I  will  be  there  long  before  the  hour  ! 
To  think  of  your,  asking  me  !  You  should  have 
said,  "  I  permit  you  to  come,"  and  I  would  have 
flown  from  the  ends  of  the  earth.  The  presence  of 
others  will  be  nothing.  It  will  be  sweet  to  ignore 
them  in  my  heart,  and  while  I  see  you  moving 


152  A   LIKELY    STORY. 

among  them,  and  looking  after  their  pleasure  with 
that  beautiful  thoughtfulness  of  yours,  to  think, 
"  She  is  mine,  mine,  mine  !" 

"  Oh,  young  lord  lover,  what  sighs  are  those 
For  one  that  can  never  be  thine  ?" 

I  thank  you,  and  thank  you  a  thousand  times  over, 
for  this  proof  of  your  trust  in  me,  and  of  your  love 
— our  love.  You  shall  be  the  sole  keeper  of  our 
secret — it  is  so  sweet  to  think  that  no  one  even 
suspects  it  ! — and  it  shall  live  with  you,  and  if  you 
will,  it  shall  die  with  me.  Forever  yours,  Arthur 
Welling.' "  Campbell  turns  the  note  over,  and 
picking  up  the  envelope,  examines  the  address. 
"  Well,  upon  my  word!  It's  to  you,  Amy  —  on 
the  outside,  anyway.  What  do  you  suppose  he 
means?" 

Mrs.  Campbell,  in  her  handkerchief :  "  Oh,  I 
don't  know;  I  don't  know  why  he  should  address 
such  language  to  me !" 

Campbell,  recurring  to  the  letter:  "I  never  did. 
'  Oh,  my  darling — live  till  I  see  you — ends  of  the 
earth — others  will  be  nothing — beautiful  thoughtful- 
ness — mine,  mine,  mine — our  love — sweet  to  think 
no  one  suspects  it— forever  yours.''  Amy,  these  are 
pretty  strong  expressions  to  use  towards  the  wife  of 
another,  and  she  a  married  lady !  I  think  I  had 
better  go  and  solve  that  little  problem  of  how  he 
can  live  till  he  sees  you  by  relieving  him  of  the 
necessity.  It  would  be  disagreeable  to  him,  but 
perhaps  there's  a  social  duty  involved." 


A  LIKELY    STOEY.  153 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "Oh,  Willis,  don't  torment  me  ! 
What  do  you  suppose  it  means  ?  Is  it  some — mis- 
take ?  It's  for  somebody  else  !" 

Campbell:  "I  don't  see  why  he  should  have  ad- 
dressed it  to  you,  then." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  But  don't  you  see  ?  He's  been 
writing  to  some  other  person  at  the  same  time,  and 
he's  got  the  answers  mixed — put  them  in  the  wrong 
envelopes.  Oh  dear  !  I  wonder  who  she  is  !" 

Campbell,  studying  her  with  an  air  of  affected 
abstraction :  "  Her  curiosity  gets  the  better  of  her 
anguish.  Look  here,  Amy  !  I  believe  you're  afraid 
it's  to  some  one  else." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "Willis!" 

Campbell:  "Yes.  And  before  we  proceed  any 
further  I  must  know  just  what  you  wrote  to  this — 
this  Mr.  Welling  of  yours.  Did  you  put  on  R.  S. 
V.  P.  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Yes ;  and  just  a  printed  card 
like  all  the  rest.  I  did  want  to  write  him  a  note 
in  the  first  person,  and  urge  him  to  come,  because 
I  expected  Miss  Rice  and  Miss  Greenway  to  help 
me  receive  ;  but  when  I  found  Margaret  had 
promised  Mrs.  Curwen  for  the  next  day,  I  knew 
she  wouldn't  like  to  take  the  bloom  off  that  by 
helping  me  first ;  so  I  didn't." 

Campbell:  " Didn't  what  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "Write  to  him.  I  just  sent  a 
card." 

Campbell:  "Then  these  passionate  expressions 
are  unprovoked,  and  my  duty  is  clear.  I  must  lose 
10 


154  A  LIKELY    STOKY. 

no  time  in  destroying  Mr.  Welling.  Do  you  hap- 
pen to  know  where  I  laid  my  revolver  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Oh,  Willis,  what  are  you  going 
to  do  ?  You  see  it's  a  mistake." 

Campbell :  "  Mr.  Welling  has  got  to  prove  that. 
I'm  not  going  to  have  young  men  addressing  my 
wife  as  Oh  their  darling,  without  knowing  the  rea- 
son why.  It's  a  liberty." 

Mrs.  Campbel^  inclined  to  laugh:  "Ah, Willis, 
how  funny  you  are  !" 

Campbell :  "  Funny  ?    I'm  furious." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "You  know  you're  not.  Give 
me  the  letter,  dearest.  I  know  it's  for  Margaret 
Rice,  and  I  shall  see  her,  and  just  feel  round  and 
find  out  if  it  isn't  so,  and — " 

Campbell:  "What  an  idea!  You  haven't  the 
Blightest  evidence  that  it's  for  Miss  Rice,  or  that  it 
isn't  intended  for  you,  and  it's  my  duty  to  find  out. 
And  nobody  is  authority  but  Mr.  Welling.  And 
I'm  going  to  him  with  the  corpus  delicti" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "But  how  can  you?  Remem- 
ber how  sensitive,  how  shrinking  he  is.  Don't, 
Willis;  you  mustn't.  It  will  kill  him  !" 

Campbell:  "Well,  that  may  save  me  consider- 
able bother.  If  he  will  simply  die  of  himself,  I 
can't  ask  anything  better."  He  goes  on  eating  his 
breakfast. 

Mrs.  Campbell,  admiring  him  across  the  table: 
"  Oh,  Willis,  how  perfectly  delightful  you  are  !" 

Campbell:  "I  know  ;  but  why?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:    "Why,  taking  it  in  the  nice, 


A   LIKELY    STORY.  155 

sensible  way  you  do.  Now,  some  husbands  would 
be  so  stupid  !  Of  course  you  couldn't  think — you 
couldn't  dream — that  the  letter  was  really  for  me  ; 
and  yet  you  might  behave  very  disagreeably,  and 
make  me  very  unhappy,  if  you  were  not  just  the 
lovely,  kind-hearted,  magnanimous — " 

Campbell,  looking  up  from  his  coffee :  "  Oh, 
hello  !" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "Yes;  that  is  what  took  my 
fancy  in  you,  Willis  :  that  generosity,  that  real 
gentleness,  in  spite  of  the  brusque  way  you  have. 
Refinement  of  the  heart,  _Z~call  it." 

Campbell:  "Amy,  what  are  you  after?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "We've  been  married  a  whole 
year  now — " 

Campbell:  "Longer,  isn't  it?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  " — And  I  haven't  known  you 
do  an  unkind  thing,  a  brutal  thing." 

Campbell:  "  W^ell,  I  understand  the  banging 
around  hardly  ever  begins  much  under  two  years." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "How  sweet  you  are!  And 
you're  so  funny  always  !" 

Campbell:  "Come,  come,  Amy;  get  down  to 
business.  What  is  it  you  do  want  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "You  won't  go  and  tease  that 
poor  boy  about  his  letter,  will  you  ?  Just  hand  it  to 
him,  and  say  you  suppose  here  is  something  that  has 
come  into  your  possession  by  mistake,  and  that  you 
wish  to  restore  it  to  him,  and  then — just  run  off." 

Campbell:  "With  my  parasol  in  one  hand,  and 
my  skirts  caught  up  in  the  other?" 


156  A   LIKELY    STORY. 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Oh,  how  good  !  Of  course  I 
was  imagining  how /should  do  it." 

Campbell:  "Well,  a  man  can't  do  it  that  way. 
He  would  look  silly."  He  rises  from  the  table,  and 
comes  and  puts  his  arm  round  her  shoulders.  "  But 
you  needn't  be  afraid  of  my  being  rough  with  him. 
Of  course  it's  a  mistake  ;  but  he's  a  fellow  who  will 
enter  into  the  joke  too  ;  he'll  enjoy  it ;  he'll — "  He 
merges  his  sentence  in  a  kiss  on  her  upturned  lips, 
and  she  clings  to  his  hand  with  her  right,  pressing 
it  fondly  to  her  cheek.  "  I  shall  do  it  in  a  man's 
way ;  but  I  guess  you'll  approve  of  it  quite  as 
much." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "I  know  I  shall.  That's  what  I 
like  about  you,  Willis  :  your  being  so  helplessly  a 
man  always." 

Campbell :  "  Well,  that's  what  attracted  me  to 
you,  Amy  :  your  manliness." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "And  I  liked  jour  finesse.  You 
are  awfully  inventive,  Willis.  Why,  Willis,  I've 
just  thought  of  something.  Oh,  it  would  be  so 
good  if  you  only  would  !" 

Campbell:  "Would  what?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "  Invent  something  now  to  get 
us  out  of  the  scrape." 

Campbell:  "What  a  brilliant  idea  !  Pm  not  in 
any  scrape.  And  as  for  Mr.  Welling,  I  don't  see 
how  you  could  help  him  out  unless  vou  sent  this 
letter  to  Miss  Rice,  and  asked  her  to  send  yours 
back—" 

Mrs.  Campbell)  springing  to  her  feet :  "  Willis, 


A   LIKELY   STORY.  157 

you  are  inspired  !  Oh,  how  perfectly  delightful ! 
And  it's  so  delicate  of  you  to  think  of  that !  I  will 
just  enclose  his  note — give  it  here,  Willis — and  he 
need  never  know  that  it  ever  went  to  the  wrong 
address.  Oh,  I  always  felt  that  you  were  truly  re- 
fined, any  way."  He  passively  yields  the  letter,  and 
she  whirls  away  to  a  writing-desk  in  the  corner  of 
the  room.  "Now,  I'll  just  keep  a  copy  of  the  let- 
ter— for  a  joke;  I  think  I've  a  perfect  right  to" — 
scribbling  furiously  away — "and  then  I'll  match 
the  paper  with  an  envelope — I  can  do  that  perfect- 
ly— and  then  I'll  just  imitate  his  hand — such  fun  ! — 
and  send  it  flying  over  to  Margaret  Rice.  Oh,  how 
good !  Touch  the  bell,  Willis  ;"  and  then — as  the 
serving  -  maid  appears — "  Yes,  Jane  !  Run  right 
across  the  lawn  to  Mrs.  Rice's,  and  give  this  letter 
for  Miss  Margaret,  and  say  it  was  left  here  by  mis- 
take. Well,  it  was,  Willis.  Fly,  Jane  !  Oh,  Wil- 
lis, love  !  Isn't  it  perfect !  Of  course  she'll  have 
got  his  formal  reply  to  my  invitation,  and  be  all 
mixed  up  by  it,  and  now  when  this  note  comes, 
she'll  see  through  it  all  in  an  instant,  and  it  will  be 
such  a  relief  to  her ;  and  oh,  she'll  think  that  he's 
directed  both  the  letters  to  her  because  he  couldn't 
think  of  any  one  else !  Isn't  it  lovely  ?  Just  like 
anything  that's  nice,  it's  ten  times  as  nice  as  you 
expected  it  to  be  ;  and — " 

Campbell:  "  But  hold  on,  Amy !  He  lifts  a  note 
from  the  desk.  You've  sent  your  copy.  Here's 
the  original  now.  She'll  think  you've  been  playing 
some  joke  on  her." 


158  A  LIKELY   STORY. 

Mrs.  Campbell,  clutching  the  letter  from  him, 
and  scanning  it  in  a  daze  :  "  What !  Oh,  my  good- 
ness !  It  is  !  I  have !  Oh,  I  shall  die  !  Run  ! 
Call  her  back  !  Shriek,  Willis  !"  They  rush  to 
the  window  together.  "No,  no!  It's  too  late! 
She's  given  it  to  their  man,  and  now  nothing  can 
save  me  !  Oh,  Willis  !  Willis  !  Willis  !  This  is 
all  your  fault,  with  that  fatal  suggestion  of  yours. 
Oh,  if  you  had  only  left  it  to  me  I  never  should 
have  got  into  such  a  scrape !  She  will  think  now 
that  I've  been  trying  to  hoax  her,  and  she's  per- 
fectly implacable  at  the  least  hint  of  a  liberty,  and 
she'll  be  ready  to  kill  me.  I  don't  know  what  she 
won't  do.  Oh,  Willis,  how  could  you  get  me  into 
this !" 

Campbell,  irately :  "  Get  you  into  this  !  Now, 
Amy,  this  is  a  little  too  much.  You  got  yourself 
into  it.  You  urged  me  to  think  of  something — " 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "Well,  do,  Willis,  do  think  of 
something,  or  I  shall  go  mad  !  Help  me,  Willis  ! 
Don't  be  so  heartless — so  unfeeling." 

Campbell:  "There's  only  one  thing  now,  and 
that  is  to  make  a  clean  breast  of  it  to  Welling,  and 
get  him  to  help  us  out.  A  word  from  him  can 
make  everything  right,  and  we  can't  take  a  step 
without  him  ;  we  can't  move  !" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "I  can't  let  you.  Oh,  isn't  it 
horrible  !" 

Campbell :  "  Yes  ;  a  nice  thing  is  always  ten 
times  nicer  than  you  expected  it  to  be  !" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Oh,  how  can  you  stand  there 


A   LIKELY   STOKY.  159 

mocking  me  ?  Why  don't  you  go  to  him  at  once, 
and  tell  him  the  whole  thing,  and  beg  him,  implore 
him,  to  help  us  ?" 

Campbell:  "Why,  you  just  told  me  I  mustn't !" 
Mrs.  Campbell:  "You  didn't  expect  me  to  say 
you  might,  did  you  ?  Oh,  how  cruel  !"  She  whirls 
out  of  the  room,  and  Campbell  stands  in  a  daze,  in 
which  he  is  finally  aware  of  Mr.  Arthur  Welling, 
seen  through  the  open  window,  on  the  veranda 
without.  Mr.  Welling,  with  a  terrified  and  furtive 
air,  seems  to  be  fixed  to  the  spot  where  he  stands. 


II. 

MR.  WELLING;  MR.  CAMPBELL. 

Campbell:  "Why,  Welling,  what  the  devil  are 
you  doing  there  ?" 

Welling :  "  Trying  to  get  away." 

Campbell:  "To  get  away?  But  you  sha'n't, 
man !  I  won't  let  you.  I  was  just  going  to  see 
you.  How  long  have  you  been  there  ?" 

Welling :  "  I've  just  come." 

Campbell :  "  What  have  you  heard  ?" 
Welling :  "Nothing — nothing.     I  was  knocking 
on  the  window-casing  to  make  you  hear,  but  you 
seemed  preoccupied." 

Campbell :  "  Preoccupied  !  convulsed !  cata- 
clysmed  !  Look  here  :  we're  in  a  box,  Welling. 
And  you've  got  us  into  it."  He  pulls  Welling's  note 
out  of  his  pocket,  where  he  has  been  keeping  his 
hand  on  it,  and  pokes  it  at  him.  "  Is  that  yours  ?" 

Welling,  examining  it  with  bewilderment  mount- 
ing into  anger  :  "  It's  mine  ;  yes.  May  I  ask,  Mr. 
Campbell,  how  you  came  to  have  this  letter  ?" 

Campbell:  "May  I  ask,  Mr.  Welling,  how  you 
came  to  write  such  a  letter  to  my  wife  ?" 

Welling :  "  To  your  wife  ?  To  Mrs.  Campbell  ? 
I  never  wrote  any  such  letter  to  her." 


A   LIKELY   STORY.  161 

Campbell:  "Then  you  addressed  it  to  her." 

Welling  :  "  Impossible  !" 

Campbell :  "  Impossible  ?  I  think  I  can  convince 
you,  much  as  I  regret  to  do  so."  He  makes  search 
about  Mrs.  Campbell's  letters  on  the  table  first,  and 
then  on  the  writing-desk.  "We  have  the  envelope. 
It  came  amongst  a  lot  of  letters,  and  there's  no  mis- 
take about  it."  He  continues  to  toss  the  letters 
about,  and  then  desists.  "  But  no  matter  ;  I  can't 
find  it ;  Amy's  probably  carried  it  off  with  her. 
There's  no  mistake  about  it.  I  was  going  to  have 
some  fun  with  you  about  it,  but  now  you  can  have 
some  fun  with  me.  Whom  did  you  send  Mrs. 
Campbell's  letter  to  ?" 

Welling :  "  Mrs.  Campbell's  letter  ?" 

Campbell:  "Oh,  pshaw!  your  acceptance  or  re- 
fusal, or  whatever  it  was,  of  her  garden  fandango. 
You  got  an  invitation  ?" 

Welling :  "  Of  course." 

Campbell:  "And  you  wrote  to  accept  it  or  de- 
cline it  at  the  same  time  that  you  wrote  this  letter 
here  to  some  one  else.  And  you  addressed  two  en- 
velopes before  you  put  the  notes  in  either.  And 
then  you  put  them  into  the  wrong  envelopes.  And 
you  sent  this  note  to  my  wife  and  the  other  note  to 
the  other  person — " 

Welling  :  "  No,  I  didn't  do  anything  of  the  kind !" 
He  regards  Campbell  with  amazement,  and  some 
apparent  doubt  of  his  sanity. 

Campbell:  "Well,  then,  Mr. Welling,  will  you 
allow  me  to  ask  what  the  deuce  you  did  do  ?" 


162  A  LIKELY   STOBT. 

Welling :  "  I  never  wrote  to  Mrs.  Campbell  at  all. 
I  thought  I  would  just  drop  in  and  tell  her  why  I 
couldn't  come.  It  seemed  so  formal  to  write." 

Campbell:  "Then  will  you  be  kind  enough  to 
tell  me  whom  you  did  write  to  ?" 

Welling:  "No,  Mr.  Campbell,  I  can't  do  that." 

Campbell:  "You  write  such  a  letter  as  that  to 
my  wife,  and  then  won't  tell  me  whom  it's  to  ?" 

Welling :  "  No  !  And  you've  no  right  to  ask 
me." 

Campbell:  "I've  no  right  to  ask  you  ?" 

Welling  :  "  No.  When  I  tell  you  that  the  note 
wasn't  meant  for  Mrs.  Campbell,  that's  enough." 

Campbell:  "I'll  be  judge  of  that,  Mr.  Welling. 
You  say  that  you  were  not  writing  two  notes  at 
the  time,  and  that  you  didn't  get  the  envelopes 
mixed.  Then,  if  the  note  wasn't  meant  for  my 
wife,  why  did  you  address  it  to  her  ?" 

Welling:  "That's  what  I  can't  tell;  that's  what 
I  don't  know.  It's  as  great  a  mystery  to  me  as  it 
is  to  you.  I  can  only  conjecture  that  when  I  was 
writing  that  address  I  was  thinking  of  coming  to 
explain  to  Mrs.  Campbell  that  I  was  going  away 
to-day,  and  shouldn't  be  back  till  after  her  party. 
It  was  too  complicated  to  put  in  a  note  without 
seeming  to  give  my  regrets  too  much  importance. 
And  I  suppose  that  when  I  was  addressing  the  note 
that  I  did  write  I  put  Mrs.  Campbell's  name  on 
because  I  had  her  so  much  in  mind." 

Campbell,  with  irony :  "  Oh !" 


III. 

MRS.  CAMPBELL;  MR.  WELLIXG;  MR.  CAMPBELL. 

Mrs.  Campbell,  appearing  through  the  portiere 
that  separates  the  breakfast-room  from  the  parlor 
beyond  :  "  Yes  !"  She  goes  up  and  gives  her  hand 
to  Mr.  Welling  with  friendly  frankness.  "  And  it 
was  very  nice  of  you  to  think  of  me  at  such  a  time, 
when  you  ought  to  have  been  thinking  of  some  one 
else." 

Welling,  with  great  relief  and  effusion  :  "  Oh, 
thank  you,  Mrs.  Campbell  !  I  was  sure  you  would 
understand.  You  couldn't  have  imagined  me  capa- 
ble of  addressing  such  language  to  you  ;  of  pre- 
suming— of — " 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Of  course  not !  And  Willis 
has  quite  lost  his  head.  I  saw  in  an  instant  just 
how  it  was.  I'm  so  sorry  you  can't  come  to  my 
party — " 

Campbell:  "Amy,  have  you  been  eavesdrop- 
ping ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "There  was  no  need  of  eaves- 
dropping. I  could  have  heard  you  out  at  Loon 
Rock  Light,  you  yelled  so.  But  as  soon  as  I  rec- 
ognized Mr.  Welling's  voice  I  came  to  the  top  of 


164  A   LIKELY    STORY. 

the  stairs  and  listened.  I  was  sure  you  would  do 
something  foolish.  But  now  I  think  we  had  better 
make  a  clean  breast  of  it,  and  tell  Mr.  Welling 
just  what  we've  done.  We  knew,  of  course,  the 
letter  wasn't  for  me,  and  we  thought  we  wouldn't 
vex  you  about  it,  but  just  send  it  to  the  one  it  was 
meant  for.  We've  surprised  your  secret,  Mr.  Wel- 
ling, though  we  didn't  intend  to  ;  but  if  you'll  ac- 
cept our  congratulations — under  the  rose,  of  course 
— we  won't  let  it  go  any  further.  It  does  seem  so 
perfectly  ideal,  and  I  feel  like  saying,  Bless  you, 
my  children  !  You've  been  in  and  out  here  so 
much  this  summer,  and  I  feel  just  like  an  elder  sis- 
ter to  Margaret." 

Welling:  " Margaret?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "Well,  Miss  Rice,  then—" 

Welling:  "Miss  Rice?" 

Mrs.  Campbell,  with  dignity  :  "  Oh,  I'm  sorry  if 
we  seem  to  presume  upon  our  acquaintance  with 
the  matter.  We  couldn't  very  well  help  knowing 
it  under  the  circumstances." 

Welling:  "Certainly,  certainly  —  of  course:  I 
don't  mind  that  at  all :  I  was  going  to  tell  you 
anyway  :  that  was  partly  the  reason  why  I  came 
instead  of  writing — " 

Campbell,  in  an  audible  soliloquy  :  "  I  supposed 
he  had  written." 

Mrs.  Campbell, intensely:  "Don't  interrupt,  Wil- 
lis !  Well  ?" 

Welling :  "But  I  don't  see  what  Miss  Rice  has 
to  do  with  it." 


A   LIKELY   STOKY.  165 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "You  don't  see!  Why,  isn't 
Margaret  Rice  the  one — " 

Welling:  "  What  one  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "The  one  that  you're  engaged — 
the  one  that  the  note  was  really  for  ?" 

Willing :  "  No  !  What  an  idea  !  Miss  Rice  ? 
Not  for  an  instant !  It's — it's  her  friend — Miss 
Greenway — who's  staying  with  her — " 

Mrs.  Campbell,  in  a  very  awful  voice  :  "  Willis  ! 
Get  me  some  water — some  wine  !  Help  me  !  Ah  ! 
Don't  touch  me  !  It  was  you,  you  who  did  it  all ! 
Oh,  now  what  shall  I  do  ?"  She  drops  her  head 
upon  Campbell's  shoulder,  while  Welling  watches 
them  in  stupefaction. 

Campbell :  "  It's  about  a  million  times  nicer  than 
we  could  have  expected.  That's  the  way  with  a 
nice  thing  when  you  get  it  started.  Well,  young 
man,  you're  done  f or  ;  and  so  are  we,  for  that  mat- 
ter. We  supposed  that  note  which  you  addressed 
to  Mrs.  Campbell  was  intended  for  Miss  Rice — " 

Welling :  "  Ho,  ho,  ho  !  Ah,  ha,  ha  !  Miss  Rice  ? 
Ha—" 

Campbell :  "  I'm  glad  you  like  it.  You'll  enjoy 
the  rest  of  it  still  better.  We  thought  it  was  for 
Miss  Rice,  and  my  wife  neatly  imitated  your  hand 
on  an  envelope  and  sent  it  over  to  her  just  before 
you  came  in.  Funny,  isn't  it  ?  Laugh  on  !  Don't 
mind  us  /" 

Welling,  aghast  :  "  Thought  my  note  was  for 
Miss  Rice  ?  Sent  it  to  her  ?  Gracious  powers  !" 
They  all  stand  for  a  moment  in  silence,  and  then 


166  A   LIKELY    STORY. 

Welling  glances  at  the  paper  in  his  hand.  "But 
there's  some  mistake.  You  haven't  sent  my  note 
to  Miss  Rice  :  here  it  is  now  !" 

Campbell:  "  Oh,  that's  the  best  of  the  joke.  Mrs. 
Campbell  took  a  copy" — Mrs.  Campbell  moans — 
"she  meant  to  have  some  fun  with  you  about  it, 
and  it's  ten  times  as  much  fun  as  I  expected  ;  and 
in  her  hurry  she  sent  off  her  copy  and  kept  the 
original.  Perhaps  that  makes  it  better." 

Mrs.  Campbell,  detaching  herself  from  him  and 
confronting  Mr.  Welling  :  "  No  ;  worse  !  She'll 
think  we've  been  trying  to  hoax  her,  and  she'll  be 
in  a  towering  rage  ;  and  she'll  show  the  note  to 
Miss  Greenway,  and  you'll  be  ruined.  Oh,  poor 
Mr.  Welling !  Oh,  what  a  fatal,  fatal— mix !"  She 
abandons  herself  in  an  attitude  of  extreme  despera- 
tion upon  a  chair,  while  the  men  stare  at  her,  till 
Campbell  breaks  the  spell  by  starting  forward  and 
ringing  the  bell  on  the  table. 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "What  are  you  doing,  Willis  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Ringing  for  Jane."  As  Jane  ap- 
pears :  "  Did  you  give  Miss  Rice  the  note  ?" 


IV. 

JANE ;  MRS.  CAMPBELL ;  WELLING ;  CAMPBELL. 

Jane  :  "  No,  sir  ;  I  gave  it  to  the  man.  He  said 
he  would  give  it  to  Miss  Rice." 

Campbell:  "Then  it's  all  up.  If  by  any  chance 
she  hadn't  got  it,  Amy,  you  might  have  sent  over 
for  it,  and  said  there  was  a  mistake." 

Jane :  "  He  said  Miss  Rice  was  out  driving  with 
Miss  Greenway  in  her  phaeton,  but  they  expected 
her  back  every  minute." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "Oh,  my  goodness!  And  you 
didn't  come  to  tell  me?  Oh,  if  we  had  only  known  ! 
We've  lost  our  only  chance,  Willis." 

Jane:  "I  did  come  and  knock  on  your  door, 
ma'am,  but  I  couldn't  make  you  hear." 

Campbell :  "  There's  still  a  chance.  Perhaps  she 
hasn't  got  back  yet." 

Jane :  "  I  know  she  ain't,  sir.  I've  been  watch- 
ing for  her  ever  since.  I  can  always  see  them 
come,  from  the  pantry  window." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "Well,  then,  don't  stand  there 
talking,  but  run  at  once  !  Oh,  Willis  !  Never  tell 
me  again  that  there's  no  such  thing  as  an  overruling 
providence.  Oh,  what  an  interposition  !  Oh,  I  can 


168  A  LIKELY   STOKY. 

never  be  grateful  and  humble  enough —  Goodness 
me,  Jane  !  why  don't  you  go  ?" 

Jane :  "  But  where,  ma'am  ?  I  don't  know  what 
you  want  me  to  do.  I'm  willing  enough  to  do  any- 
thing if  I  know  what  it  is,  but  it's  pretty  hard  to 
do  things  if  you  don't." 

Campbell:  "You're  perfectly  right,  Jane.  Mrs. 
Campbell  wants  you  to  telegraph  yourself  over  to 
Mrs.  Rice's,  and  say  to  her  that  the  letter  you  left 
for  Miss  Rice  is  not  for  her,  but  another  lady,  and 
Mrs.  Campbell  sent  it  by  mistake.  Get  it  and  bring 
it  back  here,  dead  or  alive,  even  if  Mrs.  Rice  has  to 
pass  over  your  mangled  body  in  the  attempt." 

Jane,  tasting  the  joke,  while  Mrs.  Campbell  gaspa 
in  ineffective  efforts  to  reinforce  her  husband's  in- 
structions :  "  I  will  that,  sir." 


V. 

MRS.  CAMPBELL;  WELLING;  CAMPBELL. 

Campbell:  "  And  now,  while  we're  waiting,  let's 
all  join  hands  and  dance  round  the  table.  You're 
saved,  Welling.  So  are  you,  Amy.  And  so  am  I 
— which  is  more  to  the  point." 

Mrs.  Campbell,  gayly  :  "  Dan  sons  !"  She  ex- 
tends her  hands  to  the  gentlemen,  and  as  they  cir- 
cle round  the  breakfast-table  she  sings, 

"  Sur  le  pont  d1  Avignon, 
Tout  le  monde  y  danse  en  rond." 

She  frees  her  hands  and  courtesies  to  one  gentleman 
and  the  other. 

"  Lea  belles  dames  font  comme  ca  ; 
Les  beaux  messieurs  font  comme  ca." 

Then  she  catches  hands  with  them  again,  and  they 
circle  round  the  table  as  before,  singing, 

"  Sur  le  pont  d1  Avignon, 
Tout  le  monde  y  danse  en  rond. 

Oh  dear  !     Stop  !     I'm  dizzy— I  shall  fall."     She 
spins  into  a  chair,  while  the  men  continue  solemnly 
circling  by  themselves. 
11 


170  A   LIKELY   STORY. 

Campbell :  "  It  is  a  sacred  dance  : 

"  Sur  le  pont  tf  Avignon — " 
Welling :  "  It's  an  expiation  : 

"  Tout  le  monde  y  danse  en  rond" 

Mrs.  Campbell,  springing  from  her  chair  and  run- 
ning to  the  window  :  "  Stop,  you  crazy  things  ! 
Here  comes  Jane  !  Come  right  in  here,  Jane  !  Did 
you  get  it  ?  Give  it  to  me,  Jane  !" 

Welling :  "I  think  it  belongs  to  me,  Mrs.  Camp- 
bell." 

Campbell:  "Jane,  I  am  master  of  the  house — 
nominally.  Give  me  the  letter." 


VI. 

JANE ;  MRS.  CAMPBELL ;  WELLING ;  CAMPBELL. 

Jane,  entering,  blown  and  panting,  through  the 
open  window  :  "Oh,  how  I  did  run — " 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "  Yes,  yes  !     But  the  letter — " 

Welling :  "  Did  you  get  it  ?" 

Campbell:  "Where  is  it?" 

Jane,  fanning  herself  with  her  apron  :  *'  I  can't 
hardly  get  my  breath — " 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "Had  she  got  back?" 

Jane :  "  No,  ma'am." 

Campbell:  "Did  Mrs.  Rice  object  to  giving  it 
up?" 

Jane:  "No,  sir." 

Welling:  "Then  it's  all  right?" 

Jane:  "No,  sir.     All  wrong." 

Wetting  :  «  All  wrong  ?" 

Campbell :  "  How  all  wrong  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "What's  all  wrong,  Jane?" 

Jane:  "Please,  ma'am,  may  I  have  a  drink  of 
water  ?  I'm  so  dry  I  can't  speak." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Yes,  certainly." 

Campbell:  "  Of  course." 


172  A   LIKELY    STOKY. 

Welling :  "  Here."  They  all  pour  glasses  of  wa- 
ter and  press  them  to  her  lips. 

Jane,  pushing  the  glasses  away,  and  escaping 
from  the  room  :  "  They  thought  Mrs.  Campbell 
was  in  a  great  hurry  for  Miss  Rice  to  have  the 
letter,  and  they  sent  o  a  the  man  with  it  to  meet 
her." 


VII. 

MRS.  CAMPBELL;  WELLING;  CAMPBELL. 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "Oh,  merciful  goodness!" 

Welling  :  "  Gracious  powers  !" 

Campbell:  "Another  overruling  providence. 
Now  you  are  in  for  it,  my  boy  !  So  is  Amy.  And 
so  am  I — which  is  still  more  to  the  point." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "  Well,  now,  what  shall  we  do  ?" 

Campbell :  "  All  that  we  can  do  now  is  to  await 
developments:  they'll  come  fast  enough.  Miss  Rice 
will  open  her  letter  as  soon  as  she  gets  it,  and  she 
won't  understand  it  in  the  least;  how  could  she  un- 
derstand a  letter  in  your  handwriting,  with  Wei- 
ling's  name  signed  to  it?  She'll  show  it  to  Miss 
Greenway — " 

Wetting :  "  Oh,  don't  say  that !" 

Campbell :  "  — Greenway  ;  and  Miss  Greenway 
won't  know  what  to  make  of  it  either.  But  she's 
the  kind  of  girl  who'll  form  some  lively  conjectures 
when  she  reads  that  letter.  In  the  first  place,  she'll 
wonder  how  Mr.  Welling  happens  to  be  writing  to 
Mies  Rice  in  that  affectionate  strain — " 

Mrs.  Campbel^  in  an  appealing  shriek :  "Willis !" 

Campbell:  " — And  she  naturally  won't  believe 


174  A  LIKELY   STOKY. 

he's  done  it.  But  then,  when  Miss  Rice  tells  her 
it's  your  handwriting,  Amy,  she'll  think  that  you 
and  Miss  Rice  have  been  having  your  jokes  about 
Mr.  Welling  ;  and  she'll  wonder  what  kind  of  per- 
son you  are,  anyway,  to  make  free  with  a  young 
man's  name  that  way." 

Welling:  "Oh,  I  assure  you  that  she  admires 
Mrs.  Campbell  more  than  anybody." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "Don't  try  to  stop  him;  he's 
fiendish  when  he  begins  teasing." 

Campbell:  "Oh,  well!  If  she  admires  Mrs. 
Campbell  and  confides  in  you,  then  the  whole  af- 
fair is  very  simple.  All  you've  got  to  do  is  to  tell 
her  that  after  you'd  written  her  the  original  of  that 
note,  your  mind  was  so  full  of  Mrs.  Campbell  and 
her  garden-party  that  you  naturally  addressed  it  to 
her.  And  then  Mrs.  Campbell  can  cut  in  and  say 
that  when  she  got  the  note  she  knew  it  wasn't  for 
her,  but  she  never  dreamed  of  your  caring  for  Miss 
Greenway,  and  was  so  sure  it  was  for  Miss  Rice 
that  she  sent  her  a  copy  of  it.  That  will  make  it 
all  right  and  perfectly  agreeable  to  every  one  con- 
cerned." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "And  I  can  say  that  I  sent  it  at 
your  suggestion,  and  then,  instead  of  trying  to  help 
me  out  of  the  awful,  awful — box,  you  took  a  cruel 
pleasure  in  teasing  me  about  it !  But  I  shall  not 
say  anything,  for  I  shall  not  see  them.  I  will  leave 
you  to  receive  them  and  make  the  best  of  it.  Don't 
try  to  stop  me,  Willis."  She  threatens  him  with 
her  fan  as  he  steps  forward  to  intercept  her  escape. 


A   LIKELY   STORY.  175 

Campbell:  "No,  no  !  Listen,  Amy!  You  must 
stay  and  see  those  ladies.  It's  all  well  enough  to 
leave  it  to  me,  but  what  about  poor  "Welling  ?  He 
hasn't  done  anything  —  except  cause  the  whole 
trouble." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "I  am  very  sorry,  but  I  can't 
help  it.  I  must  go."  Campbell  continues  to  pre- 
vent her  flight,  and  she  suddenly  whirls  about  and 
makes  a  dash  at  the  open  window.  "  Oh,  very  well, 
then  !  I  can  get  out  this  way."  At  the  same  mo- 
ment Miss  Rice  and  Miss  Green  way  appear  before 
the  window  on  the  piazza.  "  Ugh !  E — e — e !  How 
you  frightened  me  !  But — but  come  in.  So  gl — 
glad  to  see  you !  And  you — you  too,  Miss  Green- 
way.  Here's  Mr.  Welling.  He's  been  desolating 
us  with  a  story  about  having  to  be  away  over  my 
party,  and  just  getting  back  for  Mrs.  Curwen's. 
Isn't  it  too  bad  ?  Can't  some  of  you  young  ladies 
— or  all  of  you — make  him  stay  ?"  As  Mrs.  Camp- 
bell talks  on,  she  readjusts  her  spirit  more  and  more 
to  the  exigency,  and  subdues  her  agitation  to  a  sur- 
face of  the  sweetest  politeness. 


VIII. 

MISS  RICE,  MISS  GREENWAY,  AND  THE   OTHERS. 

Miss  Hice,  entering  with  an  unopened  letter  in 
her  hand,  which  she  extends  to  Mrs.  Campbell: 
"  What  in  the  world  does  it  all  mean,  Mrs.  Camp- 
bell, your  sending  your  letters  flying  after  me  at 
this  rate  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell,  with  a  gasp :  "  My  letters  ?"  She 
mechanically  receives  the  extended  note,  and  glances 
at  the  superscription  :  "  Mrs.  Willis  Campbell. 
Ah  !"  She  hands  it  quickly  to  her  husband,  who 
reads  the  address  with  a  similar  cry. 

Campbell:  "  Well,  well,  Amy  !  This  is  a  pretty 
good  joke  on  you.  You've  sealed  up  one  of  your 
own  notes,  and  sent  it  to  Miss  Rice.  Capital ! 
Ah,  ha,  ha !" 

Mrs.  Campbell,  with  hysterical  rapture  :  "  Oh, 
how  delicious  !  What  a  ridiculous  blunder !  I 
don't  wonder  you  were  puzzled,  Margaret." 

Welling :  "  What !  Sent  her  your  own  letter, 
addressed  to  yourself  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "Yes.     Isn't  it  amusing?" 

Welling :  "  The  best  thing  I  ever  heard  of." 

Miss  .Rice :  "  Yes.     And  if  you  only  knew  what 


A    LIKELY    STORY.  177 

agonies  of  curiosity  Miss  Greenway  and  I  had  suf- 
fered, wanting  to  open  it  and  read  it  anyway,  in 
spite  of  all  the  decencies,  I  think  you-ought  to  read 
it  to  us." 

Campbell:  "  Or  at  least  give  Miss  Rice  her  own 
letter.  What  in  the  world  did  you  do  with  that  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "Put  it  in  my  desk,  where  I 
thought  I  put  mine.  But  never  mind  it  now.  I 
can  tell  you  what  was  in  it  just  as  well.  Come  in 
here  a  moment,  Margaret."  She  leads  the  way  to 
the  parlor,  whither  Miss  Rice  follows. 

Miss  Greenway,  poutingly  :  "  Oh,  mayn't  I  know 
too  ?  I  think  that's  hardly  fair,  Mrs.  Campbell." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  No  ;  or  —  Margaret  may  tell 
you  afterwards  ;  or  Mr.  Welling  may,  now  /" 

Miss  Greenway :  "  How  very  formidable  !" 

Mrs.  Campbell,  over  her  shoulder,  on  going  out : 
"Willis,  bring  me  the  refusals  and  acceptances, 
won't  you?  They're  up-stairs." 

Campbell:  "Delighted  to  be  of  any  service." 
Behind  Miss  Greenway's  back  he  dramatizes  over 
her  head  to  Welling  his  sense  of  his  own  escape 
and  his  compassion  for  the  fellow-man  whom  he 
leaves  in  the  toils  of  fate. 


IX. 

MISS  GREENWAY;    MR.  WELLIXG. 

Welling:  "Nelly  !"  He  approaches,  and  timidly 
takes  her  hand. 

Miss  G-reenway:  "Arthur!  That  letter  was  ad- 
dressed in  your  handwriting.  Will  you  please  ex- 
plain ?" 

Welling:  "Why,  it's  very  simple  —  that  is,  it's 
the  most  difficult  thing  in  the  world.  Nelly,  can 
you  believe  anything  I  say  to  you  ?" 

Miss  Greenway  :  "  What  nonsense  !  Of  course 
I  can — if  you're  not  too  long  about  it." 

Welling  :  "  Well,  then,  the  letter  in  that  enve- 
lope was  one  I  wrote  to  Mrs.  Campbell  —  or  the 
copy  of  one." 

Miss  Greenway  :  "  The  copy  ?" 

Welling:  "But  let  me  explain.  You  see,  when  I 
got  your  note  asking  me  to  be  sure  and  come  to 
Mrs.  Cur  wen's — " 

Miss  Greenway:  "Yes?" 

Welling:  " — I  had  just  received  an  invitation 
from  Mrs.  Campbell  for  her  garden  -  party,  and  I 
sat  down  and  wrote  to  you,  and  concluded  I'd  step 
over  and  tell  her  why  I  couldn't  come,  and  with 


MR.  WELLING   EXPLAINS. 


A   LIKELY    STORY.  181 

that  in  my  mind,  I  addressed  your  letter — the  one 
I'd  written  you — to  her." 

Miss  G-reenway  :  "  With  my  name'inside  ?" 

Welling  :  "  No  ;  I  merely  called  you  '  darling  ;' 
and  when  Mrs.  Campbell  opened  it  she  saw  it 
couldn't  be  for  her,  and  she  took  it  into  her  head 
it  must  be  for  Miss  Rice." 

Miss  Greenway:  "For  Margaret?  What  an 
idea  !  But  why  did  she  put  your  envelope  on  it?" 

Welling  :  "  She  made  a  copy,  for  the  joke  of  it ; 
and  then,  in  her  hurry,  she  enclosed  that  in  my  en- 
velope, and  kept  the  original  and  the  envelope  she'd 
addressed  to  Miss  Rice,  and — and  that's  all." 

Miss  Greenway:  "What  a  perfectly  delightful 
muddle  !  And  how  shall  we  get  out  of  it  with 
Margaret  ?" 

Welling  :  "  With  Margaret  ?  I  don't  care  for  her. 
It's  you  that  I  want  to  get  out  of  it  with.  And 
you  do  believe  me — you  do  forgive  me,  Nelly  ?" 

Miss  Greenway:  "For  what?" 

Welling  :  "  For — for —  I  don't  know  what  for. 
But  I  thought  you'd  be  so  vexed." 

Miss  Greenway :  "  I  shouldn't  have  liked  you  to 
send  a  letter  addressed  darling  to  Mrs.  Curwen ; 
but  Mrs.  Campbell  is  different." 

Welling :  "  Oh,  how  archangelically  sensible  ! 
How  divine  of  you  to  take  it  in  just  the  right 
way !" 

Miss  Greenway :  "  Why,  of  course  !  How  stu- 
pid I  should  be  to  take  such  a  thing  in  the  wrong 
way !" 


182  A  LIKELY   STOKY. 

Welling :  "And  I'm  so  glad  now  I  didn't  try  to 
lie  to  you  about  it." 

Miss  Greenway :  "  It  wouldn't  have  been  of  any 
use.  You  couldn't  have  carried  off  anything  of 
that  sort.  The  truth  is  bad  enough  for  you  to 
carry  off.  Promise  me  that  you  will  always  leave 
the  other  thing  to  me." 

Welling :  "  I  will,  darling  ;  I  will,  indeed." 

Miss  Greenway:  "And  now  we  must  tell  Mar- 
garet, of  course." 


X. 

MISS  RICE ;  THEN  MR.  AND  MRS.  CAMPBELL,  AND  THE 
OTHERS. 

Miss  JRice,  rushing  in  upon  them,  and  clasping 
Miss  Greenway  in  a  fond  embrace  :  "  You  needn't. 
Mrs.  Campbell  has  told  me ;  and  oh,  Nelly,  I'm  so 
happy  for  you  !  And  isn't  it  all  the  greatest  mix  ?" 

Campbell,  rushing  in,  and  wringing  Welling's 
hand :  "  You  needn't  tell  me,  either ;  I've  been 
listening,  and  I've  heard  every  word.  I  congratu- 
late you,  my  dear  boy  !  I'd  no  idea  she'd  let  you 
up  so  easily.  You'll  allow  yourself  it  isn't  a  very 
likely  story." 

Welling :  "  I  know  it.     But—" 

Miss  Rice :  "  That's  the  very  reason  no  one  could 
have  made  it  up." 

Miss  Greenway:  "He  couldn't  have  made  up 
even  a  likely  story." 

Campbell :  "  Congratulate  you  again,  Welling. 
Do  you  suppose  she  can  keep  so  always  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell,  rushing  in  with  extended  hands  : 
"  Don't  answer  the  wretch,  Mr.  Welling.  Of  course 
she  can,  with  you.  Dansons  !"  She  gives  a  hand 


184  A   LIKELY    STORY. 

to  Miss  Greenway  and  Welling  each ;  the  others 
join  them,  and  as  they  circle  round  the  table  she 
sings, 

"  Sur  le  pont  d' Avignon, 
Tout  le  monde  y  danse  en  rond" 


THE   END, 


BY  WILLIAM  DEAN  HO  WELLS 


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